2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Life hardships temper. At least they should - many religions and ideologies report this. It is believed that a person, experiencing certain problems, develops, receives the necessary knowledge and becomes "better".
However, there are people who are fixated on their experiences: they are constantly unhappy, unhappy and sad, everything is bad in their life, and even if it is good, then this is just some kind of misunderstanding and it will get even worse.
How to communicate with such people? Why are they behaving this way? Do I need to feel sorry for them and try to understand? Is it possible to "change" them, to show a better future?
I want to share with you the behavioral models of such individuals, noticed as a result of communication and therapy:
1. Manipulation in order to get confirmation - “everything is bad”
How often have you met people who came to a friendly meeting and it turned into a black hopeless strip? A friend (girlfriend) at first reluctantly, and then with a growing amplitude of emotions, said that "there is no way out." And this continued from meeting to meeting.
At some point, you start to think that something is wrong here. To all suggestions and solutions to the problem, the person, without trying, immediately says "no". “You don’t understand,” “Yes, I tried something like that,” “it won’t help” - phrases, like a cycle, entice, and you find yourself wanting to run away to hell.
Often this thought is “read” on the face and the interlocutor says: “Oh, how I tortured you (a), I'm sorry, I didn't want (a)” - and immediately a feeling of guilt for my “unworthy” thoughts wakes up.
Why is this happening?
This friend (girlfriend), most often unconsciously, receives attention and permission for inactivity. Since everyone has consciousness and at some point in solitude, a person begins to understand that he simply does not do anything with his life, and that solving the problem requires too much effort.
After talking with you and receiving confirmation that “it's still bad,” the “friend” can safely go home and live on according to his own scenario without remorse. Along the way, the narrator "leaked" all the accumulated negative to you, "recharged" energy and can live quite tolerably on.
2. Manipulation for the purpose of self-assertion
An acquaintance (s) meets with you and asks about life. At some point, you will talk about your success, achievement or something positive that happened in your life. And then phrases appear: “you see how lucky you are”, “you see how they help you”, “you see what kind of husband you have (wife, friend, father)”, “you are lucky, you have a place to live (work, car, house etc.).
You start to feel guilty. For what? Why? As a result of such conversations, it becomes scary to share your life and you involuntarily begin to remember what is wrong with you so as not to stand out.
Why is this happening?
Again, most often unconsciously, the person is trying to show you that your victories and achievements are undeserved. In this way, he asserts his "I", reinforces the theory of "global injustice" and relieves himself of responsibility for his personal life and position in it.
3. A manipulator named "bad"
Such a person is very intellectually gifted, she does not position herself openly as a victim, and moreover, she will be offended by such treatment in relation to her. Often, in a conversation, a person reacts to any comment or request with the phrase "I'm bad, what do you want from me?"
In a relationship, such a partner can say “nothing will work out with me, I’m spoiled”, “you see, now you are offended, I told you”, “it’s better for me to be alone (alone), no one will be able to love someone like me”,“I'm not normal”, etc.
And you immediately try to dissuade the person: “no, no, you were simply underestimated, disliked,” etc., your partner was simply “a fool (fool),” and I can understand you."
Why is this happening?
This person most often positions himself as a victim of unhappy love, circumstances, bad parental relationships. He does not openly pretend to be pity, reacts aggressively to outright sympathy, and nevertheless constantly repeats that he is "bad."
Thus, he receives confirmation of his uniqueness, features, and again, relieves himself completely of responsibility for the relationship. After all, he immediately said that he was bad! What to take from him? You yourself are to blame. We contacted ourselves. You have been warned. And in a way, he's right, he really warned.
How to deal with such people?
The latter case very well demonstrates games in the framework of the so-called Karpman Triangle - a model of interaction between people. According to this theory, communication takes place according to distributed roles: rescuer - pursuer - victim. If you communicate with the “victim”, it means that you take on the role of “rescuer”, and society, life, circumstances become a “persecutor”.
To resolve the situation, it is important to acknowledge your role and be willing to get out of this game. The Triangle Model is dangerous in that the rescuer often becomes a stalker, a victim a rescuer, a stalker a victim, etc.
This means that if the person in front of you is a victim - somewhere he is a persecutor, and somewhere a rescuer, and he has all the resources to solve the problem. Your "rescue" position often makes you a victim of the same person, because as a result of manipulation, you lose your confidence, energy or respect.
If you are ready to stop playing these games, then answer your questions:
Why do I need this person?
what do I get from this communication?
how would I like to communicate with this person?
how is it possible to implement this communication in a different way?
Am I ready to spend my energy on solving another person's problem? - why do I need to listen to his story?
The main thing in such communication is honesty with oneself. Only by admitting to yourself your desires as a "rescuer" (for example), it is possible to remove the role and get rid of the script.
Is it necessary to break off relations with this person? And if it is a close relative or partner? Then it is important to understand that you are not responsible for the life of another if it is not your child under 18. Each person has his own life task and you have no right to solve it instead of him, even if it seems to you that you know the solution better.
If you cannot refuse to communicate, then ask the interlocutor direct questions:
how can I help you - specifically?
what are you ready to do yourself?
Remember, our life is our choice, and we, and only we, are responsible for it.
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