2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
I go to the hardware store to get nails, and to the bakery for the rolls. This is consistent with reality.
Now imagine that I am going to the household store for rolls. Every day I come and demand fresh cinnamon rolls. No rolls, only nails. I still come and insist on demand. So I already go to the shop with borscht and leopard thongs under a raincoat (on a raincoat, on a borscht). In the hope that this will help melt the callous heart, sorry, the tasks of the household store, and cinnamon rolls will appear there exclusively for me. I'm trying so hard. They give out nails to others in the utility store, and I’ll get the buns.
Or imagine something else. I come to the utility store, ask for a roll, they give me nails. I eat and praise them, I say "what wonderful rolls, especially for me, at a special price." To your surprise, I answer something like “well, this is a household store, it’s hard for him, but he was able to give me at least something, so what if nails, but rolls”. When I bleed from nails, you tell me to stop eating nails. And I answer that these are not nails, but rolls, and in general from this household store I even agree to eat nails, but these are rolls, and you do not understand anything.
The problem of codependency is not that a person wants fresh cinnamon rolls, but that he goes to the bakery for them not to the bakery. And rolls are not always distinguished from nails. A person is ready to turn inside out, just to get buns from this particular household store. Or at least fresh nails.
As a rule, a potential partner does not hide the fact that he does not have rolls, only nails - he is not ready for a warm intimate relationship.
He may be very passionate about his work. Or alcohol. Or women / men. Or video games. Or something else (numerous and laborious hobbies, endless friends, omnipresent mother, continuous help to everyone around, etc.).
Perhaps he is emotionally unstable and prone to uncontrollable displays of aggression. Perhaps, even at the stage of courtship, he calls once a week or does not call at all, does not show interest on his part. Usually all this can be noticed at once. But a person with a tendency to codependency does not seem to notice this. Or he notices, but hopes that this is an accident, and then it will get better. Or hopes that he will be able to come to terms with it, will endure.
When, already deeply in a relationship, a person notices that his partner is not included in the relationship, codependent dynamics do not allow to peacefully clarify what is happening and either by joint efforts to correct the situation (to establish contact in the relationship), or to disperse. A codependent person takes on excessive responsibility in two poles: either "this partner is so bad, but I will make him change", or "I am not good enough, but I will become better, and he will finally love me." A lot of effort is invested in attempts to change the situation, but this investment is one-sided and does not bring results.
In another version, a person with codependent dynamics does not notice what is happening, at times, to tragic outcomes. "He beat, beat and, in the end, killed." Abuse is perceived as love.
If it comes to the end of the relationship, then the codependent dynamics turns on again and jumps on an elastic band are organized: people then disperse, then converge back. The codependent does not leave the hope that something will change after all. Doubts are plaguing, suddenly this is a mistake and in fact it is this person who is appointed by fate. You just need a little more … a little something: wait, forgive, accept, become better, etc.
When a person comes out of the codependent dynamics, he:
- Already at the stage of getting to know a potential partner, she notices alarm bells and does not develop this relationship. He feels his right to choose. This includes choosing a good enough partner. And don't choose the wrong partner.
- Inside the relationship, one begins to distinguish between love and non-love (one's own illusions, substitutions on the part of a partner, etc.).
- Shares responsibility for the relationship between two. He does not try to fix everything alone and does not try to wait for full responsibility from a partner. He does not try at all costs to maintain a relationship with a partner who does not show mutual movement towards him.
- In case of separation, he can make his own decision to part and follow this decision, without being tormented by hopes and doubts.
- In general, it turns into a process of reciprocity: mutual choice of each other (as opposed to dynamics, where one chooses and rushes to the end of the world for someone who has not yet decided), a mutual and equal contribution to the development and maintenance of relations (as opposed to dynamics, where one is trying to conquer the other), a mutual decision to part (as opposed to the dynamics, where one leaves, and the other has not yet decided or decided to be together).
Fragment from the collection "Codependency in its own juice". You may also be interested in the book "What do we confuse love with, or Love it" - about the illusions and traps in codependency and about the model of healthy relationships. Books are available on Liters and MyBook.
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