2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
"I saw her and understood - this is fate." Why do we fall in love with some at first sight and without looking back, while others do not reciprocate, although it would seem that we have so much in common? And how to understand that this is the love of your life?
For many centuries, mankind has been struggling to solve the formula of love, trying to understand why the presence of a specific person can turn our life around, why do we fall in love with some and do not notice others, and can someone be made to love us? There are still no answers to these questions. Still, science has advanced far in the study of the mechanisms of love. For example, I found out with whom we fall in love more often.
Thus, the biologist Klaus Wedekind found a direct connection between attraction and smell. As it turned out, we are drawn to those whose immune systems are different from ours. That is, nature gives us a signal - offspring with this partner will be strong and beautiful. Therefore, the color of the hair, the shape of the eyes and lips, the natural smell, the pitch of the voice - all these physical characteristics can become “identification marks” for the ideal partner, the most harmonious couple from the genetic point of view.
Another important nuance in the birth of love is an emotional connection. Love arises from a feeling of closeness, which can be even stronger than physical attraction. And in order to better determine compatibility, you just need to show who you really are as quickly and honestly as possible.
How do you know that your new relationship has a future?
Do opposites attract?
Are we more often attracted to “soul mates” or are we constantly faced with our own antipodes? Experts believe that warm relationships are best developed by people who are similar to each other. This feeling of closeness, a kind of similarity, fuels the relationship. "Shared views help us better understand each other," says psychologist Gian Gonzaga of the University of California. "And disagreements in the long term are only the cause of growing misunderstanding on both sides, which will have to be overcome all the time."
Antipathy can be caused by recognizing your own flaws in the rejected person.
Opposites can indeed attract thanks to the Michelangelo phenomenon. Just as we define the ideal of a future partner, we create an image of an ideal ourselves and sometimes unconsciously look for someone who would help us "mold" perfection out of ourselves. And we fall in love with a person who contains all those qualities that we lack in ourselves.
Attractive disadvantages
“As a teenager, each of us has formed for ourselves a set of those traits of the character of other people, their values, preferences and behavior towards us, which attract us, - says anthropologist Helen Fisher, - but at the same time, these traits do not have to be pleasant … Imagine a girl whose alcoholic father turned her life into chaos, and in the end she decides that she will never marry such a person. Having matured, she does not choose an impulsive alcoholic as her husband, but marries a constantly busy actor. What was she looking for in a partner? She won't say spontaneity, but she's so used to it. This is part of her ideal."
Falling in love, we may not notice the negative qualities of a partner, but with age and experience, our judgment will become more accurate and deeper. “We know how to draw conclusions from small notes and guesses, based on the experience gained, - explains Gian Gonzaga. "For example, when you break up after a long relationship or marriage, you are likely to feel insecure on a date, but you will have the experience that can help you avoid problems and mistakes in a new relationship."
Love hates fuss?
We do not always fall in love at first sight, the feeling may come later. More often than not, it takes time to develop a sincere and lasting relationship.“Katya and I got a job in the same company a month apart, and I immediately had the feeling that we could become good friends, but she worked in a different department,” Ivan recalls. - Once we met with her at one meeting, and I noticed in her purse a book by my favorite author. I asked how she was to her, and her eyes lit up. So our first conversation started."
“Acquaintance is an exciting event, because it is an instant assessment of each other. It is important not only to boldly declare your interests and tastes, but also to try to delve into others. This can be key in nascent relationships, as people tend to think that their view of the world is the only correct one, says Gian Gonzaga. “So it’s not surprising when a person who agrees with our opinion immediately pleases us even more.”
Why doesn't it work?
There can be many reasons why the relationship does not work out, and all of them, of course, are individual. But if it seemed to you that you found the perfect match, but the union did not work out, perhaps you will recognize yourself in these situations.
You have similar disadvantages
Sometimes we meet people with whom we formally have a lot in common, we pursue similar goals and are proud of similar achievements, but on an intuitive level we feel some flaw in them. Why is this happening? “We often project past experiences onto new people,” explains psychotherapist Toby Inham. "We have a tendency to interpret the behavior of others with the help of our own ideas about life, to filter events through the filter of our experience - all this is the influence of the scenario inherent in our unconscious."
Antipathy can be caused by recognizing your own flaws in the rejected person. For example, a woman who constantly refuses men because they are "too nice." In fact, it is her fear of looking weak that makes her suspect a similar quality in other people and condemn them for it.
Are you afraid to open up
We always try to please new acquaintances and make a pleasant impression. For example, we come up with interesting hobbies to attract attention at a party. This kind of manipulation is usually harmless. Such people can be called approval seekers - they immediately calculate what the interlocutor likes and adjust to his expectations and needs.
Approval hunters adapt easily in a group, immediately attracting the members of the group to themselves. But when it comes to creating deeper relationships, those who seek approval have a difficult time: close, intimate communication is difficult for them. Their ability to quickly adapt to other people hides those of their true features that they do not want to discover. In relationships, they are distrustful and suspicious, which prevents them from opening up to their loved one.
But to experience real feelings, you need to show your face. This is the only way you can understand if you really fit together.
Recommended:
Anger, Where And Why Does It Appear, What To Do With It?
In my practice, I often observe the following phenomenon. Clients refuse to feel anger, suppress it in themselves, they say, it's bad. Moreover, this happens both consciously and at an unconscious level. Another discovery I've made about anger is that some people confuse it with certainty altogether.
Workshop On Finding Yourself Real. "I Love" And "I Do Not Love" As Defining Parameters Of Our Life
Friends, I have prepared one useful, creative task for you. – Working with personal "I love" - "I do not like" . The task is carried out like this … 1 . First things first, you need to stock up on a piece of paper, a simple pencil, a red pen and a red marker.
About Love. When Does It Start And When Does It Go Away?
Psychologist, Clinical Psychologist St. Petersburg Each couple goes through several stages of relationship development and is faced with their characteristics. By reading this article, you can analyze your relationship now and guess at what stage you and your spouse are now.
Feeling Over Feeling: This Is Awful
Feeling on top of feeling or ambivalence often occurs when the feeling that is hidden is suppressed. Very often in script therapy, I work with the client's repressed or forbidden feelings. How to define the phenomenon of "feeling over feeling"
Types Of Love And Their Difference: Passion, Falling In Love, Love Addiction, Absolute, Mature Love
Love … A word familiar from childhood. Everyone understands that when you are loved is good, but when you are deprived of love, it is bad. Only everyone understands it in their own way. Often this word is used to refer to something that turns out to be not quite love or not love at all.
