2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-12 20:57
Psychologist, Clinical Psychologist
St. Petersburg
Each couple goes through several stages of relationship development and is faced with their characteristics. By reading this article, you can analyze your relationship now and guess at what stage you and your spouse are now. It can be interesting and at the same time useful to understand how you can make your relationship better and what changes are ahead of you.
And of course I will answer the question written in the title!
Bader and Pearson developed a model for the development of relationships based on developmental stages at an early age (by M. Mahler).
1) Symbiotic.
It is also called the "phase of love".
According to Mahler, this is the stage when the mother and child establish a relationship and the child gets the first experience of the relationship. It is important for forming emotional bonds.
With regard to couples: partners are looking for something in common, notice their similarities and try not to notice the differences and shortcomings of each other. In practice, this is the most emotional period and couples rarely need psychotherapy.
And no, this stage is not yet love …
At this stage, there may be such problems as merger - absorption by each other and avoidance of conflicts. Or a situation of "hostile addiction", when anger and irritation come to the fore. It's too scary to end a relationship, and not mature enough to end lingering conflicts. This situation is the most difficult for change, including for psychotherapy.
The task of this stage is to attract each other.
2) Differentiation.
The period when idealization disappears. It is characteristic for her that partners begin to see a "stranger" in front of them, find something that annoys, dislikes, or simply something else. Spouses begin to lack personal space, and a desire to restore their own boundaries appears. This stage is very important! It is from her that we can say that a real relationship began in a couple.
During this period, it is very productive to start learning to negotiate, to look for a common language. You can not participate in your partner's favorite activities and give him time for yourself. At this stage of development, spouses often think about divorce and turn to a psychologist.
At this stage, the relationship begins! She's good for performing in marriage.
3) Practice stage.
This stage is characterized by an even greater distance from each other, often the spouses cease to be on the same wavelength, instead each strives for autonomy and individualization. This stage often coincides with the birth of children, with career growth, when one or both partners devote more time to work and are often on the road.
At this stage, an understanding of what life changes are now in their life, how long they take and what impact they have on the family as a whole can support the couple. At this stage in the development of relationships, most often couples turn to a psychologist.
4) Reunion.
This stage is characterized by the fact that intimacy increases and alternates with independence.
At this stage, the couple has the opportunity to finally solve previously unresolved problems associated with the fear of close relationships and with the fear of parting or with the fear of absorption of their "I" by another person. Solving these difficulties allows the relationship to become mutually enriching, can bring a sense of security and an opportunity for personal development for everyone in the couple.
At this stage, couples rarely have difficulties and usually do not need to work with a counselor.
This stage can be called "mature love".
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