Anger, Where And Why Does It Appear, What To Do With It?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

In my practice, I often observe the following phenomenon. Clients refuse to feel anger, suppress it in themselves, they say, it's bad. Moreover, this happens both consciously and at an unconscious level. Another discovery I've made about anger is that some people confuse it with certainty altogether. Still others experience this emotion, suffer, but cannot help themselves.

I would like to talk about anger now. What it is? What is its nature - destructive or constructive? Why are we experiencing it? Do I need to do something about it? First, let's figure out when, in what cases most often (according to my observations) a person starts to get angry.

Where does anger come from?

1. Other people go beyond a person's personal boundaries. And since we do not always have enough confidence and resources to respond calmly, we begin to get angry. This is a way to protect our "territory", which we use precisely at the unconscious level. In fact, a person may not know, not understand about his boundaries, but he feels discomfort, some words or actions of another person are unpleasant to him, and this serves as a reason for aggression.
2. If some of our needs (physiological, social, etc.) are not satisfied, frustration sets in. A person does not get what he wants (it does not matter because of his own fault, the fault of circumstances or the people around him), and anger always hides resentment. Only rarely does anyone realize this, but anger, it seems to us, “floats” on the surface.
3. Anger at oneself, which can be the result of other feelings and emotions experienced by a person. For example, shame or guilt about what you did, did not do, or did, but the result was not what you wanted. Such anger is inherent in individuals who are demanding of themselves, who are very self-critical. On the one hand, it destroys a person, but on the other hand, it acts as a stimulus for growth and self-development (the "whip" method that a person applies to himself).

Who is at risk for anger?

Failures in self-esteem is one of the telltale signs of people who are angry - consciously and unconsciously, with or without reason, often or periodically. And here we can distinguish several types of "angry" subjects:

A person with high self-esteem. He has built very strong boundaries of his own, he knows them perfectly and instantly senses even timid attempts to invade, therefore he is in a state of constant defense, he stands on guard. Such people are extremely suspicious of everything that others say and think about their person, and if, God forbid, criticism begins … Here anger can develop into real aggression.

A person with low self-esteem. This is the case when the subject does not have boundaries at all (he did not create them, does not feel them, they have already been "thoroughly" destroyed). Therefore, a person cannot say or do anything, he only feels resentment, pain, suffering. More often than not, these people don't show their anger for two main reasons. Firstly, they are afraid to declare themselves, so as not to create an even worse opinion of themselves, so that they will be turned away from them. They are afraid to be left alone, to become the object of a “boycott”. Secondly, a person may simply not have the strength and internal resources to show anger. He just got used to "swallow" resentment, afraid to stick his head out of the sea of his fears and complexes.

Why don't people want to be angry?

1. As a child, parents said that you shouldn't be angry, that it was bad. Of course, for the child it was deposited in his "piggy bank", turning into a life attitude.
2. The child saw some kind of scene where anger was involved, and this shocked him, he experienced stress, received psychological trauma. Naturally, he understood well for himself that being angry is very bad, scary, ugly, painful …
3. The parent by his behavior gave the child a clear "example" on the topic of anger. And a small person could automatically adopt this and begin to behave the same way. This is the pattern of behavior.
4. A child in childhood could show anger towards his peers, for which he received a neck from them, and also constantly “received” a belt from his parents or stood in a corner. As a result, he made a completely logical conclusion that it is not safe for him to be angry.

The child displaces all this into his unconscious, from where the "lessons" about anger do not disappear anywhere. In this way, the "shadow side" according to Jung is formed. A person does not recognize and does not accept himself as evil, therefore, he completely refuses such an emotion or character trait. And if he also begins to deliberately be kind ("the reverse side" of anger) and presents himself to society just like that, this is called "persona" according to Jung. As a result, an internal conflict arises, which can easily lead to neuroses.

Now let's think about what kind of people meet on the way of such a person. Of course, the evil ones, because he, suppressing anger in himself, projects his shadow side onto others and sees around some evil and aggressive people. They seem to point him to what is hidden in his unconscious, what he so diligently once hid there. And this is a reason to think - am I doing everything right, is it possible to change something?

Should you suppress your anger?

You may be very surprised now, but believe me - as a specialist, I know what I am saying. In fact, anger can be a helper for you. She has a lot of energy - for action, so she can really help in achieving goals and desires, in meeting her needs, in protecting her borders.

But you can't just suppress anger in yourself. Otherwise, such a dissonance turns out - everything is in order from the outside, we are calm, but from the inside, this emotion literally eats us up. This may well result in psychosomatics. In my practice, angry, but not "betraying" themselves to others, clients often suffered from gastrointestinal diseases and toothaches. But these are just my observations. Perhaps the practice of other specialists could add to this list of ailments.

Anger must be noticed, acknowledged. It is necessary to leave her a place in your life, not pushing her into the unconscious and not convincing yourself and others that you “are not angry, in no case, it seemed to you”. If anger appears, do not feel guilty, do not beat yourself up. Better try to "dig" deeper and understand the reasons. Why is that? What brought you out or who constantly pisses you off?

How can you work on anger yourself?

All situations and people that appear in our lives come for a reason. They are needed in order to teach us something, to push something, to show what we do not see, do not understand, do not realize. They provide us with opportunities to change our life (all or certain of its areas that cause anxiety, discomfort) for the better. To do this, I propose the following scheme of actions:

Understand, realize that you are angry. Personally, my own body helps me with this. When I'm angry, my teeth clench or my left hand involuntarily curls up into a fist. Pay attention to what happens to your body at the moment when you feel that something is wrong that you are uncomfortable with.

Give anger room, admit it. Mentally determine where anger is concentrated in your body, put your hand on this place and say: "I see you and feel, I give you a place, I acknowledge everything that is happening to me now."

As you understood, it is not necessary to show anger in actions, it is enough to see and admit it. Well, if you have this emotion regularly and is uncontrollable, I recommend contacting a specialist who knows how to work with systemic symptoms. And remember - anger is not bad if used correctly. It can be good, not against you.

Good luck in your endeavors!