5 Ways To Stop Winding Yourself Up, Thinking Out. Why Do Obsessive Thoughts Appear?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-18 02:26

Obsessive thoughts, pondering and replaying the situation in my head a million times (if I did this, if I said this, etc.). This is some kind of uncontrolled process, thoughts are constantly swarming in your head, you cannot do anything else, you just think, think and think. If you are doing something, then you mentally return to the situation that bothers you, the person, the relationship. Is this familiar to you? How to get rid of this condition?

The most powerful advice is just stop it! On the Internet you can find a short, five-minute video “Just stop!”. This is really something that might help you, but why doesn't the method work for many people?

We are faced with a deep and very serious problem, with anxiety. The most extreme and strong case of anxiety is obsessive-compulsive disorder, when a person cannot think about anything else, except whether he closed the door, turned off the gas, etc. Compulsive actions are when they walk in a circle, check the door, water, gas, etc., obsessive thoughts about everything (I can be killed; I can kill someone; what if the plane does not take off; and what if the plane does not land …). An example of an airplane is given in the context of a situation, it cannot be part of a disorder, but it can be part of a difficult situation for a person. Let's talk about relatively healthy people, people with a neurotic level of mental organization (not borderline, not psychotic), suffering from recurrent obsessive thoughts, which are quite difficult to cope with. The purpose of such thoughts is to complete some kind of unfinished gestalt. Which? Unclear.

What causes increased anxiety and, as a result, obsessive thoughts? As a rule, something traumatic happens to a person in a given situation, case or dialogue. People with obsessive thoughts often experience everything as fear, in some cases guilt or shame. The basis of anxiety is a person's feelings that he will be abandoned, that he is guilty of something (“I did something wrong! that society supposedly wants from me, so that person will leave me!”). The reason for obsessive thoughts can also be the fear of some kind of punishment, fear of feeling guilty, fear of experiencing shame (“I will not go to these people, I will not appear in front of an audience, I will not speak in front of everyone, because I am too scared and I cannot cope with this alarm! "). As a result, an incessant swarm of thoughts is constantly circling in a person's head ("Well, I didn't go, I didn't speak, I refused! I'm so bad!" the question should have been answered differently "), and this is the worst thing.

When it comes to obsessions in intimate relationships between a man and a woman, a person with obsessive thoughts often ends up abandoning the one who was the source of them. However, in essence, your partner is not the source of the obsessive thoughts! The source of your anxiety is not the person you think will leave you because you weren't good enough.

Let's figure out what is the source of the anxiety. Let's go back to early childhood, in the pre-verbal period, when you still did not know how to speak. Here, the stage is very important when the child does not have an ego formed, he does not feel himself, does not yet understand anything about the world, about himself, does not realize himself as a separate person. The baby feels himself only when his mother touches him, looks into his eyes, picks him up. Often, the child, lying in the crib, begins to cry. He doesn’t want to eat, he don’t need to change the diaper, he doesn’t have a stomach ache, he just wants his arms. And you just have to take the baby in your arms - he immediately calms down. The first 1-1, 5 years of life, our main feeling of experience is anxiety. Do I exist? Mom took me in her arms - everything, I feel, I exist. This is the first moment when we feel what consolation is, mom shows how to console herself through her actions (now, you were comforted). Accordingly, a person learns to comfort himself through his objects of attachment. If there is someone close and dear, the baby is much calmer. Conclusion: all your obsessive thoughts swarming in your head are a kind of hysteria of your inner baby.

The problem is that traumatics often choose either unreliable partners or those who really cannot comfort them. The situation here is twofold, because the anxiety of the infant's level is very difficult to console other adults, in other words, it is so great that it is almost inhuman strength to console this infant trauma. Nobody can pick you up and swing you now, as it would have been in childhood. If your psyche has not received what it wants in childhood, you will want more, more and more from your partner. It turns out a vicious circle, a cycle of trauma - you first found and became attached to a partner who more or less consoles you, then this becomes not enough for you, you ask for more, more and more, demand. The person refuses (he simply is no longer able to give you what you want), you begin to associate the situation with yourself (“I did something wrong - I said the wrong thing. I’m not like that, so he rejects me!”) various situations (“I said something wrong on the phone!”, “Was it worth sending that SMS?”, “Maybe there was no need to make an appointment?”, and not in trousers? "," Maybe it was necessary to take her to another restaurant … "). Behind all this are feelings of shame and guilt, and, accordingly, tormenting them, you feel the fear that you will be abandoned (another option is the fear that you have tortured yourself terribly). It also happens that the partner begins to saddle the second with his fears - "Please, convince me!", "Console me!" In this place, a person has a very deep and strong need, reminiscent of a black hole. If you learn to be aware of this moment, it will already be much easier and easier for you. Consider the other side - the partner refuses, and you decide to leave him (“That's it, I'm so afraid that I’ll lose you, that it’s better this will happen now than I’ll be afraid and wait! I’d better survive the breakup once!”). Here we again find ourselves in a cycle of trauma, proving to ourselves that the anxiety was not in vain - and again we worry.

Moreover, anxiety is tied not only to relationships (although often we become attached to people, and anxiety arises in close relationships), there are variations in general to society, work, team, certain people at work, in the place of study. Nervous checking of mail, social networks, disturbing surfing on the Internet are all direct signs of anxiety. Fear of losing a job, in more extreme manifestations, is anxiety for one's life, the lives of children, the possible death of a husband and the loss of an object of affection. Work can also be regarded as an object of affection, because it keeps us “afloat”.

If we talk about the intrusiveness of the household level (whether you closed the door, turned off the gas, electrical appliances, something will happen at work with your husband), the cause of such anxiety may be changes in your life. Something remains the same, something new, and the psyche cannot cope, it simply does not have enough resources. Everything new by our body and reptilian brain is perceived as dangerous. A wonderful example is the cartoon "The Croods", where dad kept telling his daughter: "And remember, dear, be afraid of everything!" This is how our psyche perceives everything.

Sometimes a person may suffer from increased anxiety for a short time - moving, separation from parents, divorce or marriage, marriage, childbirth, death of a loved one or a friend, someone had to part with. However, note that often anxiety is tied to separation (separation from the object of attachment), which in our infant brain, relatively speaking, is perceived as the one who will comfort your anxiety, because you yourself are not able to cope with it, in your opinion.

There is another reason associated with early childhood. Anxiety is aggression directed at oneself, depriving oneself of pleasure. How was it formed? When? At that moment, when your maternal object did not comfort you, there was not enough emotional contact, respectively, you were angry and outburst of aggression ("That's because of you I feel bad! Can't you see ?!"). It was not just a thought, it was an exorbitant infant experience. The aggression reached such a level of rage that it seemed, if you express it, you could kill the mother, or she would do something to me, and this would hurt and scary (for example, hit the priest, etc.). Here the mechanism of "wrapping" aggression on oneself is formed, this process is called retroflection. Anxiety, aggression, and self-deprivation of pleasure are now very closely related. When you were taken on the arms in infancy, it was a pleasure for you, but if you were taken a little or not in the way you wanted it to feel, this is a sign that you were deprived of pleasure. So now, when you feel so bad, you deprive yourself of pleasure and stop noticing all the good things that are around you. You devalue everything positive and see only the bad that happened to you.

So, anxiety is associated with the fact that you did not say something, did not complete it, did not express it. And notice - you are trying to complete this gestalt in your head, to express something that worries you, to justify yourself, but this approach will not complete the gestalt! You need to get a response - you have the right to all these feelings and experiences. The problem is, you don't give yourself that right! Why? From early childhood, you could not express your true feelings and experiences, if you were too hysterical, the maternal object could slap on the butt, throw (“Deal with your feelings yourself!”), Read you out to the fullest. Sometimes anxiety and obsessive thoughts are directly related to the mother's object - the mother was also anxious.

How to deal with obsessive thoughts?

The most important thing is your awareness. Deal with your feelings, be aware of them, feel them, take a look at your feelings of fear, guilt, shame. There may be less shame, but fear is the most important thing. What are you really afraid of? What's the worst thing that can happen to you? Don't let this question disappear from your head until you get to the very edge.

Had a fight with your husband - what could happen? Divorce. What is the worst thing that happens if you get divorced? You will be left homeless. What will you do in this case? Return to your mom. What's next - what else can happen so terrible that you are so afraid? Look for your true experience - I do not want to live with my mother, I will miss my husband, I will experience a lot of pain, longing, sadness, some unpleasant feelings, disappointment in myself. And then ask yourself - how long will all these feelings of longing, sadness, pain and grief be experienced? Will these feelings ever have a point? If you feel like there will be no end to it, see a therapist. This case is really dangerous, including depression. The level of complexity of the psyche here is such that you need another person who will console you - you cannot grow this consolation in yourself, probably, there was little resource and support in the family to learn.

1. Realize that anxiety and all the feelings associated with it are normal. You have the right to be imperfect, make mistakes, and still be on good terms with someone. To acknowledge this fact, you need to understand the relationship with your parents - how did they treat you, was there something traumatic for your psyche? The normal version of the relationship - a person receives love, care, support upon birth, regardless of any factors. However, due to their reasons, their injuries, the parents were probably unable to give this to you. Now you need to make a firm decision - you will be better off in the future! Be sure to focus your attention on solving this problem, problem (only thoughts will not help you, you need to act). You have the right to handle the situation, no matter what happens!
2. Console yourself. Find words and ways to comfort you. If you are at home yourself, you can say everything out loud, as if you are comforting a small child who is afraid of the monster under the bed. More often than not, the problem of obsessive thoughts is overblown and in reality its scale is not that great. Repeat to yourself: “Even if something terrible happens, we will cope, and everything will be fine. You are a good girl (boy), you did your best. Next time you will try to do more. If it doesn’t work out, I love you anyway, I’m next to you.” Basically, this is what the mother object had to do - comfort you. Try to imagine what phrases or words you would like to hear in this situation from mom, dad, grandmother or grandfather. Imagine in front of you the person who was the most resourceful object in the family for you.

Let me give you a personal example - the most resourceful object in the family for me was my grandfather. He died early, so he did not have time to inflict many injuries on me. My grandfather was an idealized object for me, warm, kind and supportive. In fact, he also had his own outbursts of emotions, but he never showed himself from this side, so the memories remained warm, and I firmly believed that this person loved me very much. Perhaps, in your situation, this is the same loving object, for some reason not saying the words of consolation that are thirsting for your psyche. Imagine that now he is comforting you: “Everything will be okay, I love you anyway, even if your partner leaves you” (or “She had no right to treat you like that!”). This is exactly the kind of important feedback that you want to receive when obsessive thoughts follow you after a dialogue with someone (“She said this, but it should have been so,” etc.). We need someone third who will come and convince you otherwise: “Dear / dear, no matter what you said / said, I still love you. You did the best you could in this situation. I believe that! I believe in you!.

The next two points will allow you to quickly shift your focus.

1. Don't think about the future. Anxiety is thinking about the future. Understand what you can influence, what you can control. For example, you cannot control an airplane taking off. What's the worst thing going to happen? You will crash and die. In fact, although it sounds cynical, it will last 2 seconds or 2 minutes. And then, beyond the threshold there will be nothing - no worries, no fears. As a rule, people are afraid to survive exactly these 2 minutes. However, let's soberly assess the situation - what will happen will happen, and we cannot control some things. Why some kind of catastrophe can happen to each of us, we do not know, but nevertheless it happens. Until we know the cause and effect relationship, we cannot control anything, so leave these thoughts alone. For people experiencing heightened anxiety, this advice is not suitable, but it is still worth trying. From personal experience, at some point in my therapy, it was this technique that began to save me. I was afraid to drive fast, I thought I was going to die. At one point I was comforted by the realization that if I die, I will die with this guy, and dying together is not scary. When there is an object with which you can relive your grief next to it, everything is not so scary. In fact, we are talking here about an early infantile trauma, a fusion trauma of 1, 5 years old, when the mother, who was the comforting part of the psyche, was not enough.
2. Take care of your body. People often use this method unconsciously. Feeling anxious, switch to your body - yoga, qigong, meditation, strength training, running. Why do the last two options work great? This is an adrenaline rush, and aggression and adrenaline are closely related. You can throw out your infant aggression through the body, which could not be expressed in contact with the object of attachment.

Most importantly, you need to be aware of what is happening to you. The more you understand the reasons for your anxiety, the calmer you will be. If you work out the problem well in therapy, the obsessions will quickly go away (I was told an unpleasant phrase - I did not answer it - I had to say it like this - okay, next time I will say it), and in general you love yourself, you are a good person. It is very important to cultivate a comforting and supportive part of the psyche.