Love Strategies. Self-esteem And Boundaries

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Often, women who are prone to falling into love addiction, in relations with their men either set very rigid impenetrable boundaries, or fail them, and let them into their territory too far, not caring about their comfort and safety.

- "I'm ready for anything for him, and he wipes his feet on me!"

- "Let him suffer and prove that he deserves me!"

- "I never show interest first, it humiliates a woman!"

- "He beats, it means he loves."

- "A man appreciates only the woman who ignores him."

All of these different, but very familiar messages to all have one similarity: there is a clear distortion of boundaries. Many women (fortunately, not all!) In their love arsenal have two favorite and ineffective strategies for communicating with the opposite sex. Empathic, warm women often tend to ignore their boundaries, yielding in all important positions to the object of their love. Women, brightly and loudly declaring "dignity", demanding and principled, often hide behind this facade their inability to be sufficiently attentive and responsive to the needs of their man. Some women know how to use, alternately or mixed, both "love strategies" at once. Someone uses one favorite technique. But in such a relationship, the woman remains dissatisfied. And each of these strategies forms a codependent process. (Here I want to clarify: in this article I do not presume to state something about all women, but rather I want to state my observations about women in codependent relationships.)

About children's experience

And too demanding and too soft women had similar parents in childhood: an inadequate, or weak-willed, frightened mother, sometimes competing with her daughter; and a despotic or emotionally unstable, frightening father, sometimes the father is completely absent. On the one hand, such women idealize and respect masculine power and strength, which they do not have, and on the other hand, they cannot respect their femininity and feminine strength, since their mothers did not give them such an example. Contact with your sexuality, the ability to seduce is perceived as the only possible leverage in this unpredictable world. In such families, girls are given many conflicting messages. Their initiative and independence is suppressed, or only that which is in the male or childish manner is encouraged. A growing girl does not feel her feminine value, meets with the prohibition and suppression of her immediacy or healthy aggression. She is forced to either become like her dad and strive for the male world, or to remain infantile and dependent, solving all her life tasks through husbands, lovers and any influential men.

Borders in love

Warm, yielding, caring women are about femininity. But when added to that is unstable boundaries and an inability to take care of oneself, that's a lure for male parasites. Their male dignity, in turn, also suffers, equal relations for such men are too unsafe, therefore they enter into relationships only with those who have not very borders. Here, in the position of a woman, (whether she realizes or not) there are not only tangible disadvantages, but also not so obvious advantages. Behind the relationship with parasites, abuser, there is a strong fear and lack of experience of independence, separateness. Low self-esteem and lack of contact with your feminine strength and aggression. Inside, the woman did not manage to grow, and rather she feels like a defenseless child. And of course, such a woman tends to endure too much in a relationship so as not to lose an object that ensures her safety and survival. Over time, her personal boundaries practically cease to be felt by her. If there are children in the family, the absence of personal boundaries for the mother, and therefore in the family as a whole, will also greatly affect their boundaries and self-esteem.

It happens that a woman dreams of finding a strong male so that he later becomes gentle, attentive and caring. If this happens, then she devalues him as a man. She does this, of course, unconsciously. If a woman falls through male boundaries, it is difficult for her to respect him and enjoy intimacy. And this position also has its advantages. For example, her fear of intimacy is so great that it is better to deal with a safe partner, albeit one that does not command respect. Only here there is a minimum of female pleasure. Often: trouble getting sexual pleasure. Since one's own femininity is forbidden, through projection it can manifest itself as intense jealousy of other women, or excessive control and anxiety. A state of combat readiness for competition - for everything in the world and at every step. This tension should ensure the safety of one's own self-esteem, which is very unstable and fluctuates all the time. And oddly enough - not a single man, nor his attention, gifts and adoration, which are never eternal, can fundamentally affect women's self-esteem. Yes, you can relieve tension for a short time by external confirmation of your importance. But it works like a bottomless barrel.

In general, everything that is connected with artificial external support of the value itself is either very fragile and unreliable, or requires inhuman efforts non-stop, or is hellishly expensive. Practice shows that a couple of years of psychotherapy are much cheaper both in terms of finance and personal investment of energy.

About the formation of women's self-esteem

Initially, women's self-esteem is built in contact with the Other Woman. Men are not in control here. This is an exclusively female territory with its own laws. The problem is that a woman with a wounded dignity devalues this Other before she can get something from her. After all, she devalued my mother … In therapy, the client may not be able to withstand the tension that the personality of another woman therapist causes. If it cannot be devalued, it can be difficult to deal with the seemingly too great importance and authority of the therapist. But of course, all these difficulties are surmountable. And when it works, a female therapist can be a very good partner in helping to restore access to femininity.

What to do in an existing relationship?

While the boundaries in relationships are blurred, it is very difficult to isolate your responsibility: not to take excess, but not to shift your responsibility to a man either. Women often sin by blaming men for everything - either he is, they say, too despotic, or too spineless, with all that it implies. But this does not lead to anything good or useful. The zone of your influence is not in trying to change it, but in your work with your part of the responsibility. It's good if a man is ready to go to a family psychologist with you. And if not…

All you can really do is restore your own boundaries, dignity, and watch what happens to your partner. Does it adapt to change? Will he be able to live with a woman whose self-esteem returns to normal? Because this, no kidding, is not a test for the faint of heart. Not everyone can stand it. And the relationship can only be maintained with someone who will endure and pick up after you. And if he does not have the resource for this, then often a woman discovers that she herself is not ready to continue a relationship with such a man. And very true. When dignity is normal, other partners appear who are attracted to it.

Some will now exclaim: why is it a woman and not a man who initiates changes? It's not always the same. Men and women are very different in their mentality. The stronger sex is more inclined to manifest itself outside. Initiate the processes of external life. And after all, each of us also chooses - whether to associate life with such and such a man, whether he is sufficiently status, or strong, or reliable. Likewise, relationships are a sphere of greater influence for women. Here, a man rather, evaluating his capabilities and needs, agrees or disagrees with the quality of interaction that you offer.