About Relationships And Self-love. Self-help Workshop. (Part 3)

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Each person has an inner child and an inner parent inside. They are gradually formed from their own experience, experiences, events and from the images of other people. The inner adult is the collective image of all significant adults in a person's life. Such a cast of itself, frozen indestructible somewhere in the subconscious. It can be an exact cast of one parent. Or maybe a mix of parents, grandparents, teachers, and older siblings. A parent is always with you.

Once in her teens, the girl was going to a disco and heard from her mother: “Where are you wearing such a short skirt! They will even think that you are a girl of easy virtue! And now a serious adult lady, with work, husband and three children, chooses clothes in the store - and will never take a skirt for anything if it does not cover her knees! Mom is not around. She lives on the other side of town. But the inner mom keeps repeating this phrase right in her head. The woman is afraid that they will think of her. Nervous, adjusts.

A little boy stumbles and falls. He is hurt and hurt. And above him the figure of his father rises and sternly says: “Do not whine! What are you like a girl! You had to look under your feet. The boy swallows tears and suffers. And now he is an adult uncle himself, he works until night, on weekends he wants to hide in a burrow so that no one touches him. But he is a man - he has no right to complain! And what tingles in the chest is probably the weather. The inner father looks stern and stern. And the person is systematically moving towards chronic fatigue, depression or heart attack.

A parent is a critic, a constraint, a demanding person.

And somewhere in the same subconscious, in addition to the inner parent, the inner child is also hidden. It is not known how old he is - everyone has their own age. This is the age at which a person acutely felt rejection from a significant adult. The earliest age from this experience. Where they scolded, but did not support, where they pushed away, and did not hug, where they turned away and did not protect. And this child is still there, in the same day, in the same event. He hides from the adult critic.

And so a person joins in life failure and feels, like this child, small and pitiful. And somewhere in the ears the voice of the parent sounds: "I told you so!"

These are the most important relationships in life. Someone was lucky and his internal casts from experience were developed resourcefully. There is a supportive and accepting parent and a free, easy, happy child. From this symbiosis, a happy adult is born!

What if not? If the person has a different experience?

How to build the relationship between your inner parent and the child so that at a difficult moment the kid would say sincerely: "I am in pain," and the parent would just as sincerely answer: "I love you."

After all, only by accepting and loving himself, a person is able to love and accept another. Do not plug holes in your emotions, but really love.

But for this it is necessary to re-educate the inner adult and with his help to raise in a new way your inner child - beloved, accepted and listened to.

In a previous article, I wrote about the inner parent and child. And now about the same, but with examples.

- I feel bad. I'm upset.

- What happened?

- I was offended by my husband. I told him that I wanted to change jobs. And he began to criticize. "Where will you go? Are you sure you are needed there? What if it gets worse there? What if you can't handle it? " I cried all evening. And he didn't even understand what had happened.

- Are you offended by your husband because it's not true? Or is there another reason?

- Well, it's not true … I ask myself all these questions. Yes, I'm not sure either and I'm scared. But I feel very bad at this job. You have to change something. I thought he would support me, but he …

- What do you feel?

- Disappointment! And anger!

- Try to close your eyes and feel where this experience is in your body?

- Right here in the chest.

- And what does it look like?

- This stain is like a blot. It crushes.

- Anger? Or disappointment? If anger - then at whom? If disappointment - in whom?

- I do not know. In her husband?

- Are you asking me? I do not know the answer. This is your blot.

- My … Yes it turns out - I'm angry with myself. And disappointed in myself.

- Have you experienced such feelings before? About myself.

- Of course, many times!

- Can you remember the event? As long as possible. Imagine a time vector and follow it back. Where you remember such feelings at a very early age - stop and tell.

- I don’t know, or is it the earliest … There was a case in childhood when they came to our school to invite to a music school. Everyone was recording and I also signed up. And then she came home and told her parents. Mom said nothing. Generally. She just nodded and that's it. And dad said - well, why do you need this? You can't even sing a children's song - you don't hit the notes. Where are you going to music school! I remember being very upset and even crying in my room. And my mother did not even ask what was the matter. And it hurt even more.

- How old are you?

- Seven or eight.

- And you feel the same as now?

- Yes, probably … Exactly yes! Even the spot is the same in the chest when I remember.

- Close your eyes again. You can imagine yourself, seven years old. Imagine. Here is a child who is angry and disappointed. How do you feel looking at her? What do you want to do?

- I would like to regret. Hug.

- Hug. Have pity. Support. What do you feel?

- I want to cry.

- Why?

- I do not know.

- And what does the girl feel?

- Safety. Calmness. And the black spot is no longer pressing. And as if it even brightened. I understood! I want to cry because nobody did it to me!

- Who are you doing this to now?

- To myself … But this will not change what happened.

- It will not change the events in the past. But this can change your attitude towards events in the future. You criticize yourself and do not accept. And when someone else does it, everything gets worse. But feelings are not from another person. They are yours.

- So what should I do?

And the truth is - what to do when the inner child cries, gets angry, breaks dishes, yells and wants to bite? Here - there is a problem. You feel bad about some event.

1. Analyze your emotions. What do you feel? How is this physically reflected in the body? Where exactly? What image is associated with this? What thoughts does this evoke?
2. Remember when these sensations happened to you at the earliest stages of the time vector that you can remember - your disliked child is hiding there.
3. Close your eyes and imagine yourself as a child. What event in the past triggered these memories? What feelings did it evoke? What thoughts? Did the image coincide with the modern one?
4. You, the adult today, put yourself in the shoes of the parent of that little child in memory. And mentally replay the situation in a different way. Accept, hug, caress, support.
5. How have your emotions about the last traumatic event changed? How did the physical sensations change? What happened to the image in the body?

What I have described is not a one-time pain reliever. (Although it can sometimes work like that) This is a long process, similar to homeopathy with a cumulative effect. The main thing is to start and not expect that one honest heart-to-heart talk with yourself will change you right away. If it became a little easier for you, this is already an excellent result and you are on the right track. Just don't expect it to be fast, lightweight, and short. Good luck!