What's The Point Of Making Money? Self-sabotage

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The client came with a request: "I want to change a job for a new one, help me decide on the choice of work."

K: At the job that I like to have everything - interesting, close to home, but pay little. It seems to suit, but the salary is small, I want more.

K: I look at vacancies, looking for what I would like and what I can do and take into account other aspects.

K: I am going through different options and can’t decide in any way: I weigh all the pros and cons, they pay more here, but it’s not interesting, here is what I can, but the salary is lower, here it’s more difficult - I’m not sure what I can pull, it’s far from the place where I live, and so on. … In general, somehow the picture does not add up.

So, the client needs to change his job to a higher paying one.

And he thinks the problem is that he just “didn't find the right job. I don’t know exactly what I want, I can’t decide”.

As a psychologist, I understand that the client brought me a CONSEQUENCE. He formulates the request for the session as “help me to dig more into the investigation”.

Even if I provide support in choosing a job: we clarify the areas, types, positions, responsibilities, interests, we will prioritize which job to choose - it is very likely that, having all this, the client may nevertheless not start moving.

Until the REASON that caused this consequence is resolved.

I would like to clarify whether the enumeration of options is a chronic condition: “How long have you been in this position?”

K: Since the beginning of the year.

That is, 8 months.

It means to sort out the options and at the same time not choose anything - this is EXACTLY what the client really wants. On a subconscious level.

There are two conflicting aspirations - to increase the level of income by changing jobs, and some other (so far implicit to the client) - which wants to leave everything as it is.

I check my assumption, and at the same time show the true problematic to the client.

The desire to change jobs - is it always constant or does it appear in periods?

The client says that for periods, that is, the desire to search (he goes to the job search site, looks at something), then there is no desire at all: “Why do I need it? Everything is fine now. I like my work, I have enough free time - while I live in pleasure”.

It turned out that on the desire to change the situation, he does a number of actions (looks at vacancies, wrote a resume), and then the desire disappears, laziness comes, apathy - and the matter is not completed (the resume is not sent to the vacancy, or it happens that when he is answered, to come on such and such a day for an interview - he does not have time, or something else interferes).

There is obvious self-sabotage that lasts for quite a long line.

After saying the facts, the client realized that yes, he was sabotaging himself for something.

There was an active desire to change the situation.

I ask: “What has annoyed him the most in his current position? And if you have it, how can THIS phenomenon be called?”.

The client goes over the words, most of which the word resonates " connectedness". It is some part of the client, subpersonality, which attracts inaction.

We put "connectedness" on a chair, and begin to communicate with it. First, I asked the client to express to the empty chair in which we sat this part - his attitude towards it.

The client was reluctant to criticize this part at first, I suggested continuing.

And at the 5th minute, he continued with the emerging anger, began to scold the “connectedness” part: “It’s because of you I don’t have enough money, you’ve already got me, leave my life, how much can you torture me, go away! And so a number of proposals.

Then the client is transplanted into a chair with a part of "connectedness", I ask him to turn off his brains for a while and listen to my feelings.

How do you sit here - when you connect with your part of "connectedness"?

What do you feel in your body? How does it feel emotionally? How do you feel?

Visually, the client somehow wilted. He answers that he feels lethargic, does not want to do anything.

We are looking for the reason: “Why such a state? What's the matter with you?"

The client tells figuratively: “It’s as if I’m bogged down in a swamp, my head and body are outside the swamp, but my legs are in it. Legs can move, but are stiff in movement. And something else that rests on your shoulders."

I ask: “What is it that tied your legs and put them on your shoulders? What does it tell you?"

K: “That I have to do this, and this. I owe a lot”.

I ask him: “Who is it like? To whom should I?"

The image of mom comes up.

I clarify: "As if your mother tied you at the legs and put something on your shoulders?"

The client says it feels like this.

I ask further: "With the understanding that this thing on the shoulders is connected with mom - what is she saying?"

I ask the client to say the first thing that comes to mind.

K: “- I have to support my mother.

- I have to send her money

- Must call often

“I have to give money for repairs.”

I clarify: "Are these promises familiar to you?"

The client says they are “very familiar,” which is what mom has told him many times.

As it turned out, my mother was divorced, for more than 15 years, there were no men, all the time she lived alone with her son.

She realized herself as a person, she has a job, she likes it, has a hobby, they have been living separately for a couple of years, the only question, the solutions of which she always put on her son, is the financial one.

All hopes for him - that she raised him, fed, clothed, learned, and now he "must provide for all this."

Then the client returns from the chair "connectedness" to his place, I clarify his attitude to all this.

The client says that in general he agrees with this - my mother really did a lot for him. And he is ready to help mom.

But at the same time, "it still bothers me a lot."

I ask: “What will happen if he gets another job where he will earn 2 times more than usual - in the context of taking into account his mother?”.

The client immediately says - you will have to give half of it to your mother. Because she was already buzzing with all her ears that she needed to change the plumbing in her apartment, and she also needed to buy a vacuum cleaner, and her mother also wanted new tiles for her bathroom.

Mom calls almost every day and complains about life. She works in the state. institution, the salary is small.

Here the client says: “I understand why I earn so little! After all have to give a significant part of the money earned to mom!

BUT meaning to me then to earn a lotif I don't see the money?"

In the words "will have to" and "and the meaning" - the client has bright emotional outbursts in his voice.

There is no desire to live and work in order to satisfy the financial desires of the mother.

This is where the reason for blocking the movement towards making more money lies.

There is generally no motivation to make money, because he will have to give money to his mother, and not give it - he does not know how. Arguments, excuses to mom - take a lot of energy, and sooner or later he gives up.

And when he earns little, then there is a weighty argument to deny mother's requests to buy something for her - there is really no money. And there is no conflict, no mutual claims, reproaches, reproaches.

This concludes our first session.

-

The client comes in a week later and says that yes, now he has realized the true cause of his problem, but “I don’t know how to solve it. Help me do something about it. The only thing I came up with was to find a job and not tell her about it, lie about a new job. But I don't like it, and sooner or later it will come out. It doesn't solve my problem”.

I ask: "Why are there only 2 scenarios: either to fight with mom, or to agree with her?"

The client says that many times he tried differently - and it didn’t work. Mom still drips on her brains: “but you forget about me, you don’t think about me at all” and the like.

So the client has a bad experience.

The task is to bring something to the interaction with the mother in order to change the situation.

And with a new understanding, find other options besides fight or agree.

To agree is bad, to fight - a lot of energy is spent on arguments, reproaches.

“Do you want to help your mom financially?”

K: “Yes. But not on the scale she wants.”

And then the client again goes into a fork of two options, both of which are not satisfied.

Inside the client, this process looks like this: either to earn more money and at the same time fight with mom (this process is very emotionally draining), or not earn a lot, then there is no fight with mom, there are reasons to refuse, which mom admits (so calmer).

The task was to combine the two options, to remove the element of struggle.

You don't need to fight with your mother, but you can agree.

First we get out of the fight. We realize what mom really wants. Not in the external form (he sent money), but in the internal essence.

He wants to remember her, to periodically call to take care of her.

Looking for value in what mom says / does. This is attention, care, respect.

I clarify whether these values are close to the client. The client actively confirms this.

There is no conflict here, at the level of values he is one with his mother.

So, focusing on these values, we turn to the search for a specific method of how this can be done.

I ask the client a question: “what about the values of“attention, care, respect”and, at the same time, channel your income at your own discretion?”

We are looking for an acceptable option, in which the internal protest “is there any point in earning money?”

The option was found. Give mom a fixed amount per month. Not how much mom wants, but how much, he can, and at the same time it is normal for him.

The client now already knows WHAT to do and HOW to do, and also has a RESOURCE (energy and confidence).

We pass to the final phase, it remains to feel HOW to communicate with mom so that she hears and understands that she is valuable to her son.

It is not so much the text that he will tell his mother that is important here, but CUSTOMIZE with what he will do it.

The client generated the following message to his mother:

“Mom, I also have my own life, I want to earn more and spend on my desires, without feeling guilty, without thinking that I am a bad son.

Mom, I want to take care of you.

Mom, I appreciate you very much, respect you, thank you for everything that you have done for me.

Let it be that much. This is what is acceptable to me and what will help you."

I check: "How do you feel when you say these phrases?"

The client replies: “Happy. Warmth in the heart."

The session ended at this point.

There was an attitude to resolve the issue by outlining your boundaries, your desires, while simultaneously wanting to be on good terms with your mother.

And along with him, the desire to talk about a painful topic and negotiate, while maintaining a warm relationship with my mother.

* * *

A month and a half later, the client wrote that everything was resolved, both with his mother and with “doing nothing” about the new job. We phoned and he shared the results:

I talked about the problem situation with my mother. He offered her the option to pay a clear amount - $ 50 per month. Exactly that much. Mom at first accepted the proposed option - “not really”, but the client was able to show gentleness, respect, care.

The desire not to conflict, but to negotiate - played a role.

A couple of days later, my mother called herself and said:

“Son, I just thought and understood.

I need your help, but I don’t want to be a “monster” for you either.

Earn, live your life, I will only be glad if you manage to earn money. It’s not very good for me myself. Let it come true for you."

Relationship with my mother became good. Finances have already started to increase.

After looking at the vacancies, he decided to change his strategy. And he began to look not for a main job, but for a part-time job. I decided to stay at my job (he liked it - it’s interesting, and it takes 6 hours a day), and a part-time job was found. I have already worked for a month, received my first salary, bought myself from clothes that I had wanted to buy for a long time, there were plans for further purchases, in a word, things started to grow.

* * *

When achieving goals, moving forward:

- important as motivation (why, why am I doing this)

- so that there is no inner conscious and subconscious protest.

MOTIVATION to live first of all for oneself - ignited the desire to move, develop, look for options.

Here the vector has changed:

C “I help my mother because I have to” (here was a point of support for my mother: I will work for her)

On “I help my mother, because I want to” (a point of support for myself) out of my free choice, out of desire.

Working out the SUBCONSCIOUS PROTEST helped to remove self-sabotage in actions.

Removed "debts" that hung in the subconscious. He CAN help his mother, his mother is valuable to him, and therefore he CHOOSES to help.

And he chooses to help in such a size in which he is comfortable.

The client is in control of his life, it is not “debt” that drives him.

Figuratively speaking, if the movement towards more money-making is imagined as a sailing boat at sea, then we changed the direction of the sail so as to get more power from the tailwind (motivation), and removed the huge headwind that blocked the forward movement.

If you want to change your life in the shortest possible time, to live productively here and now, and not sometime in the future, seek professional help. Write by coordinates. I'll be glad to help.