Shame As The Norm

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The culture of shame (pardon the pun) has become so deeply embedded in our lives that in many places it is not something that is not noticed, but is perceived as the norm. But if the impact itself remains unnoticed, then its consequences layer by layer fall on our souls.

Shame is one of the simplest and most accessible (verbal, non-physical) ways to stop a child without putting too much effort into it. "Well, what are you doing, fu! Look at yourself !!!" And the child learns from the most important person for himself: "You are bad." Moaning: "Well, how could you ?!" they also lead the child away from the act itself to an endless feeling of his own badness. The shame has too many faces to be recognized by any specific words. Rather, the question is what words can potentially do to a person. If the phrase does not contain the words "shame on you!", Then this does not mean at all that there is no shame. Because this process is more contextual, relational. In addition to words, it consists of pauses, gestures, facial expressions (often this is disgust and disgust), various ways to increase the distance. But the message is always the same - you are not enough, you do not hold out, you are unworthy, you are bad. The ashamed person is easy to control. He will no longer actively resist, if he dares at all. Therefore, shame is an effective way to control a group of people united by something. For example, a huge inscription on a beautiful cathedral: "You have learned to read in vain in this life, if you have not read the Bible" gives a clear criterion, how at least in this place not to fall under the skating rink of shame. Because it is much more difficult to motivate, to discuss, to show your own undisguised thinking process than to shame. Then you yourself become vulnerable and even equal, which is simply unacceptable for many. Therefore, advertising appears with the slogans "You love bread, love and sport", which also very easily plunges many into the abyss of their own "non-ness". And then sport becomes far from only about sports, but above all about getting rid of shame. And this process is endless, because it is impossible to get rid of shame by trying to fix yourself. But this is a great way to keep a person in the activity (state, relationship) that this deliverance promises, and if the presence of shame in the ways of control is easier to consider, then it is much more difficult to assume it in the ways of support. For example, praise and approval. "Well, you see, I could!" Or joyful: "I told you so!" And even if there is a smile on the face of the interlocutor, there still remains a smack that with these words they are trying to keep in some place, in some size (less than the one that he is capable of now), in a certain helplessness, to consolidate the shade of weakness and incapacity, even in the face of an achievement that has happened right now. Joking shaming is also very common, as is caring shame. It depends on whom, with what intonation and in what context, even a compliment can be embarrassing. "Why are you so beautiful today ?!" "Could you have done it after all?" (especially if we are talking about something simple). Or in a loud whisper: "You are using this word incorrectly. I am telling you about this so that no one else would say it." And it seems to be a concern, but at the heart of its message is that you are wrong, you need to be corrected. Such a text is permissible from mother to child, when he is lovingly, in the process of upbringing and when there is a real difference in age, experience and power between them. But if the same is said by an equal to an equal, then this is a shame. You can react to this in different ways. It depends on the topic that falls into this merciless wave, on the significance of the one from whom this text comes, on one's own resources at the moment, on knowing one's boundaries and ways to protect them. Shame can cause shame, and it can cause anger - as a sincere knowledge that "you cannot do this with me", that "it is not for you to decide whether I am enough", that "I am good regardless of my achievements and your opinion of me." But for this you need to have a good support inside, which can help to grow in us another - the one who with warmth and acceptance, without judgment, will allow us to be us.