How Does The Myth Of The Soul Mate Destroy A Relationship That Had Every Chance Of Being Happy?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The plot of fairy tales about princesses in our time is relevant for almost every girl who is in search of a future husband. Are you surprised?))

Now you will be convinced of this.

A young girl lives in her parental family. She doesn't really like life, because either prosperity will not allow her to feel like a princess, or her parents are kept in captivity, forced to study and control her life, or problems in the family are such that she wants to escape to the ends of the world. She reads fairy tales about love, watches romantic films and one day comes to the conclusion that only true love will save her. It is enough just to meet a handsome prince and all problems will disappear with a wave of a magic wand, and life will become beautiful and happy. And this is no longer just girlish dreams, this is already the only way to salvation and a strategy that determines the course of life.

But starting to meet guys, she suddenly discovers that somehow the princes are in no hurry to save her from the captivity of a gray life. And the princes in practice turned out to be selfish and spoiled majors who do not want to pamper, but want to indulge. Therefore, she changes her plans and starts hunting for a "real man", next to whom she can become fragile and feminine, shifting her problems onto his mighty shoulders. But here's the trouble, a small man has gone now, not capable of feats …

But not only girls fall into the net of sweet illusions about their soul mate. In the same way, guys walk around the world in search of their princess, who will inspire them to great deeds and awaken their heroic strength. Only, as luck would have it, some witches and toads come across. As soon as you take a closer look at the candidates, you can immediately see that she is not a couple, not an equal. Oh, how do you know how to understand the secret that will help you find your chosen one among the gray mass of mediocrity! Now this one was given a chance, and the previous one, and a dozen more girls in front of them. But none … none were worthy!

An interesting fact is that both boys and girls will be very offended if you call the desire to find love the search for a princess or a prince. They have already seen these spoiled princes and princesses. Not that. Doesn't fit. They are serious people, sophisticated not only by experience, but also by clever books that write about the existence of a "soul mate", "soul mate", "karmic partner" … And all these books, as one, say that if If you are lucky enough to find it, then all problems will be solved immediately, because they fit together like a key to a lock, which opens heaven on earth and guarantees eternal happiness.

Oh, how you want to quickly deserve a gift of fate and meet your happiness. This dream does not leave a person, despite numerous disappointments, because the idea of kindred souls is saturated with fairy tales, films, advertising, as well as the stories of those who were "lucky" to find their own. The main thing is not to give up. And there will be a holiday on our street. Once the right person is found, pain, loneliness, anxiety, low self-esteem, apathy and boredom will disappear forever. The ideal partner will fall in love at first sight, understand at a glance, solve all problems with great enthusiasm (inspire to feats) and begin to build family happiness. With him everything will be for two - life, future, hobbies, friends, thoughts, feelings and desires. It will be possible to rely on him in any matters, and only death can prevent this (which is unlikely, because in this case it should come in one day). God created a pair for each person, and our whole life with all its problems is just preparation for a happy reunion.

It so happens (and there are more and more such stories lately) that people spend their lives waiting uselessly or endlessly testing various options. The person is addicted to this strategy like a drug. Found - euphoria and happiness, lost - withdrawal, oklemalsya - a period of a slight lull, but then again pulls on adventures, I want butterflies in the stomach … And the paradox is that until a person has not made a choice, it seems to him that they are open all the possibilities, and that there is bound to be something better ahead.

In fact, now he does not live, he is only preparing for his future, and life at this time passes by. And this unpreparedness for reality sometimes takes on amusing forms:

- a person falls in love with previously unavailable partners (married, living very far away);

- he reduces the role of a partner to a specific function (money, nanny for children).

A person prefers to remain in the world of his fantasies about what life, love, and a partner are. He does not even seek to try to interact with reality and understand what the real world is, and what people live in it, and what they really think and feel. The way it should be completely covers what it really is. And as a result - loneliness.

There is another very popular scenario.

A person is so obsessed with the idea of creating a heaven-blessed union that, having met a more or less adequate individual of the opposite sex, he immediately dresses her up with his ideas and expectations (they are also not tested for reality) and drags her down the aisle.

It is such a union that gives rise to jokes that the wedding ring is a symbol of omnipotence for one and slavery for another, that rings dressed on the wedding day - "0: 0" open the account of the war between husband and wife. And there's nothing you can do about it, not a single fairy tale told about what will happen after the wedding …

And yet, what a promising start!

Wedding procession, pigeons, Mendelssohn's march and clinking glasses … Rings as a symbol of endless love and fidelity. And the expectation that happiness is now guaranteed.

On this day, the girl thinks: “Oh, how beautiful my chosen one is. He is handsome, smart and sexy. And why do many people say that marriage is a serious test? Most likely, this is because they could not choose a suitable life partner for themselves. But I did everything right!"

And the groom's thoughts are full of hopes for a brighter future: “And why are there so many anecdotes about grumpy wives. My bride is charm itself, I will never believe that she can turn into an itchy saw or a headache! She loves me and supports my plans. With her I am even ready to go on reconnaissance, what family life is already here."

At the wedding, the mother-in-law and mother-in-law observe the happiness of their children and brush away tears in passing. Perhaps they are moved by this memorable moment, or maybe … Maybe they remember their wedding day, as well as the bright expectations that crashed on the rocks of reality, and hope that at least their children will pass this fate …

So why does the relationship between husband and wife, who sincerely wanted to create a happy family, turn into heated struggle or contemptuous indifference?

Why don't they learn from mistakes? Do they not draw conclusions from the history of their parents, but step on the same rake?

How does a relationship break down?

The main reason why a sweet relationship turns into a nightmare is trying to get from a partner that unconditional love and acceptance that mom and dad did not give. If the parental family did not have one of the parents, or he always disappeared at work, then a person does not form a real idea of what the relationship between a man and a woman is. And then the lack of experience is more than compensated for by fantasies that form a certain list of demands to love, donate, or, on the contrary, generate a desire to deserve attention and warmth.

Many adults create relationships and still remain little children at heart. They do not separate from their parents, do not become a person, but are halves (or rather "parasites" who emotionally, mentally or financially depend on their "donor"). And this happens not only among people from disadvantaged families. Mothers or fathers, who turned themselves inside out in order to provide their child with everything they needed, also release an immature person into the world.

For example, a man had the most wonderful mother in the world, and now he is looking for a wife like her, who will also love and admire him. He wants to see devotion, self-denial, attention to his mood. He is not used to waiting and enduring, it is important for him that all his needs are satisfied immediately, and the woman finds her happiness in serving him. He wants to be accepted as he is, and nothing is demanded for himself.

But in practice, it turns out that the wife is in no hurry to babysit her hubby. Why does she need another child? She herself is not averse to getting on his knees, pouting her lips cutely and saying: "I don't want to decide anything, I want a dress!" She expects that he will provide her with a beautiful life and fulfill her dreams, that he will be strong, courageous and solve any problems.

K. Vikater - one of the classics of family therapy - said that every couple is perfect for each other! But the paradox is that this harmony is achieved not due to coincidence of expectations and resources, but due to trauma, compensatory mechanisms and scenario roles.

For example, for a masochist, the ideal partner is a sadist who will skillfully serve his feelings of guilt and satisfy the need for torture and punishment. A depressed girl will be approached by a guy who is always striving to earn attention and approval, who will try to amuse her with his achievements … This is what will swing the emotional pendulum and create feelings in the relationship. With any other partner, the person would be simply bored. There is no such thing as "accidentally flew" or "married for the money." The subconscious chooses the best option.

Vikater in his works wrote that the emotional age of the spouses is the same. How so? - you will be surprised. But my neighbors are the eternally drunk free artist Vitka, who has not been able to apply himself anywhere for 5 years, married to a responsible and caring Tanya. But after all, even a fool understands that he is a child, and she is his mother. And you ask, what made her contact this bag of problems? Why is she holding on to him?

If you stay close to this Tanya, talk to her about her feelings, it turns out that she is a little girl who takes care of her helpless little brother while her father and mother are rebuilding the country after the war. She never became an adult, she still performs the function of guardianship and care, plays the role of a good girl. She is not aware of the reasons for her choice, or the options for another life. They are both still obedient children who follow their parents' programs.

A person grows up physically and socially, but if he missed some stages of mental development, then his partner will certainly fill in these gaps. Oftentimes, a relationship is about the desire of two young children to become one adult.

If a person avoids building relationships, then he subconsciously refuses to solve problems that were at a certain age of his childhood.

The collapse of happy expectations in marriage comes at the moment when the traumatized inner child realizes that it is already possible to demand "his".

All childhood traumas and unmet needs sit very quietly in the backyard of the subconscious, while a person lives his usual life, and experiences the familiar feelings of fear, boredom or loneliness. But as soon as this person falls in love, and feels that he is loved and accepted, the cockroaches immediately begin to remind of themselves. They think that the bad times are over, the sun has finally warmed up with warmth and care, you can get out of your holes and get what you have wanted for so long, because if this loving partner cannot give it, then certainly no one else will.

First, a small cockroach makes itself felt:

- Yeah, since he loves me so much, I'll ask him to refuse to meet with friends and watch melodrama with me. At the same time, I'll check his feelings.

“Okay,” the partner thinks, “it’s so important for her, and she’s so sad, when I leave, of course I’ll stay with her, and we’ll have a beer with friends on the weekend.”

The first round was played well …

But the guy has his own cockroaches, which also want to bask in the sun, and now he allows himself an innocent whim … And now the scouts give a signal to older and larger cockroaches that they can finally show themselves. Now whims no longer look cute, they have turned into claims and even demands!

- I want you to spend all the time with me! We are family after all! And everyone should do it together! - says the codependent girl.

- You're choking me! I need personal space! I want to be alone with my thoughts at least sometimes, to go fishing! - her counter-dependent husband opposes, and dumps for 2 days from home.

And for the wife's inner child, this phrase is like a knife in the back! In a panic, she begins to cling to her partner, like a drowning man at a straw. Rage and powerlessness cover her:

- You do not love me! Nobody loves Me! - she draws conclusions.

An attempt to satisfy her childhood deficits through a partner failed. And this is where the difficulties begin. It's not just relationships that cool. The man himself sinks into the deep abyss of his disappointment. Depression, irritability, strange behavior … Crisis …

How so! After all, love was supposed to close this hole in the chest and save from fear and pain. After all, this is exactly what they talked about in fairy tales and shown in films!

Two hungry, traumatized children make their marriage a nightmare. Everyone has a lot of disappointments, complaints and expectations. Everyone blames the other. Neither one nor the other is capable of not saturating a partner, he cannot even understand him.

The reason is because they make demands.

Instead of showing your weakness and vulnerability.

And so the competition begins in who of them is the hungrier child and who needs it more. In this struggle, all behavioral models learned from childhood are used: manipulations, compensatory mechanisms that have already helped to survive in childhood. A person is not aware of what drives him. Sometimes, in an attempt to get a "place" for a child in a couple, a person may even go into illness, and the loser gets the role of a parent.

Tools of the fight for the place of the "Child" in a pair:

1. Hammer of the accusation.

The inner child has not been able to get what he has dreamed of for so long. This infuriates him. He is ready for anything in order to get what he wants: “I need it right now! I deserve it! You owe it to me because I am your / th wife / husband! I don't care about your feelings. The root of this aggression lies in the past, when the baby was ignored, humiliated, violated his boundaries and even subjected to violence (so what, what for educational purposes!) -then.

But what kind of warmth can there be! Aggression provokes a response aggression, the partner feels a desire to defend himself and eliminate the attacking object. He closes, withdraws into himself, and this only intensifies the panic of the first. And he begins to hammer left and right with his hammer … The opportunity to make a scandal brings a little relief, because for the "child" it is an opportunity to express himself and his pain, which he could not do when he was little. Unfortunately, this will not bring positive changes, because the energy is aimed at changing the other.

2. Hook manipulation.

The inner child was repeatedly convinced in childhood that sincerity, honesty, and direct request do not work. In order to gain attention, it is necessary to use various tricks and tools - money, sex, status, age, intelligence, will, praise, pity, resentment, guilt or shame. Gingerbread and stick training, as well as the "hot - cold" game, helps a lot.

Over time, manipulation becomes the only way to communicate with other people. And a person uses it automatically, completely unaware of what and how he is doing. Other people who communicate with the manipulator understand that the way of communication is somehow unhealthy. And they leave contact. And if there is no opportunity, then they go into themselves or into a binge. The inner child feels rejected and even more scared.

3. Dagger of revenge.

When the other person hurts, it is difficult to react to it right away. First you need to deal with shock, confusion, and humiliation. More often than not, we put on a mask of indifference, and put off the resentment until better times. But there will be no inner satisfaction until the offender pays for his act. Revenge can be expressed directly with these words: "Do you remember …" or indirectly in the form of detachment, sarcasm, sabotage and other actions that will punish the offender. The inner child is very vindictive, he will not calm down until he gets his full.

It often happens that there is no direct way to take revenge on the offender, then children, spouses, parents or other close people can become objects of retaliation.

4. Chalice of alms.

When all attempts to win back their right to love and warmth have not been crowned with success, the partner despairs. In this state, he loses his dignity and begins to ask for attention, like alms. And the more and longer he begs, the more humiliated he feels. In part, he realizes that in this way he also will not get what he wants, and even suggests that he can be rejected. He may even play various dramas in his fantasies, where he is neglected and abandoned, and weep bitterly over it. His fears come true. The man has put himself on his knees, and this is what repels others.

5. The pit of hopelessness.

When a person lowered his hands and stopped all attempts to change the other, he withdraws into himself. Into the safe, deaf, isolated space, so familiar to him from childhood. He battens down all the entrances and exits, plunges into loneliness and numbness. This is a necessary measure in order to take a breath. A person cannot be without love for a long time, therefore, having gathered strength, he will make a new attempt to satisfy his needs. And a new round of life goes along the usual track, leading to the abyss from which he recently got out.

If he does not have enough spirit for the next throw, he plunges into depression and becomes cynical.

How to stop walking in a vicious circle?

People say - in someone else's eye you can see a speck, but in your own you won't even notice a log. It is not very easy to understand which strategies we are using. Often, the main reason for the aggression that we show towards others is not the reaction to the current situation, but the grievances and fears from childhood. It is important to note that the aggressor himself believes that his behavior is justified, and his actions are fair and adequate.

In order to understand your favorite strategies, it is enough to write down the answers to these questions and analyze them:

- Which of the above reactions do I use to get love, attention, money, or care?

- What exactly do I do when I want to achieve something from another?

- How do I react if the other refuses or ignores my desire?

- Can I get what I want without using my favorite strategies? How exactly?

If we step on the same rake for a long time, and do not change our actions in any way, and our deepest needs remain unsatisfied, then the scenario of life can go along one of these paths.

Strategies for avoiding intimacy

1. "A man is like a tram, one left the other meet."

As soon as the veil of love dissipates, and we see a real person with his shortcomings, our illusions are dispelled, and we are disappointed. But to understand that our problems are created by our illusions and that we need to change them, not a partner, is very difficult. It's easier to blame the other. At first glance, quite reasonable thoughts are swarming in my head: “Since there is a misunderstanding and a conflict, it means that this person does not suit me. It's time to end the relationship is the road to nowhere. There is no point in quarreling and trying to change something. You need to look for a more suitable partner. Relationships don't have to be complicated, I don't want drama. The right person will give me what I need."

2. Independence and self-sufficiency.

After another disappointment, we come to the conclusion: “It's time to give up these useless attempts to find someone who can accept and love me. These are all fairy tales. No one will take care of me as well as myself. It looks like loneliness is my karma. There is nothing that I cannot do for myself. It's actually much easier than trying to build a relationship with someone. There is no point in falling in love with someone. It will hurt in the end anyway."

The person who made such a decision is very afraid to show someone his needs for love and care. Eventually he begins to deny that he needs it. He spends all his strength to control himself, his emotions and thoughts, other people and even life.

He takes pride in his independence from others. But he has an irresistible desire for power, money, sex, alcohol, drugs, work or adventure.

The illusion of self-sufficiency, like the expectation of an ideal partner, very reliably protects us from reality. And from meeting the fear of intimacy. We do not realize that we are afraid of intimacy. Fear manifests itself only when we begin to get closer to someone, and makes us interrupt communication.

The price of independence is denying one’s vulnerability.

And the paradox is that love is possible only where we can take off our masks and show our vulnerability, sensitivity, need for something else.

3. I have nothing to do with it, it's all him.

The point of this strategy is that I am a meek lamb, an innocent and sincere creature, while the other is an evil wolf. And it is he who is to blame for all mortal sins. The fact that this was the case was absolutely not dependent on me. There was nothing I could do about it. Well, how can one person go against fate or a bad environment ?! The cause of all unhappiness is somewhere outside, and I cannot control it.

Although in reality it is an illusion. Surrounding, like a mirror, reflect our "mundane". But admitting this is very difficult, because it requires facing the truth, facing pain and disappointment. It is much easier to blame others, and imagine yourself as an angel, than to experience the pain of meeting with reality, and take responsibility for what is happening, for your life in general.

Crisis periods and difficulties can ruin even the most loving and promising relationships, if the guy and the girl initially counted on the candy-bouquet period to be lifelong. Whether we like it or not, after a while, everyday troubles and daily monotony turn falling in love into irritation.

It is much easier to experience real problems if you say goodbye to your own expectations and live in real time, “here and now,” solving urgent life problems. Techniques have been developed for a long time and give excellent results.

But both the prince and the princess PREFER TO BELIEVE THAT THEY HAVE DECEPTED, did not live up to their expectations:

- No, this is not a princess - this is a real toothache and a disgusting saw, which is constantly not enough. So what if she has long hair and a beautiful figure? No beauty will overshadow her terrible character! There is no more strength to endure this torture!

- This is not a prince, and not even a horse from a prince! This is a narcissistic narcissist who does not recognize anyone but himself and does not reckon with anyone. Well, what if he was promoted again in his career, because of this he stopped noticing me at all!

Taking off the pink glasses of falling in love, a guy and a girl suddenly realize that it is impossible to live with a man who is stewing in a compote of his expectations and trying to remake reality for himself. He cannot be support, because he himself needs someone else's blood and flesh to survive. Here I exaggerate a little, but clients, at the moment of experiencing their family dramas, describe their situation exactly like this.

The only path to true love and intimacy that goes through our fears and all our love disappointments is to meet them. Any psychological trauma seeks to repeat itself so that we live through it and exhaust the charge of emotions that it once encapsulated and displaced into the subconscious. As long as we avoid the negative and strive only for the positive, we cannot be sustainable. And the slightest troubles will shatter our picture of the world or force us to drop everything and start over.

It is very important to become aware of your true needs, acknowledge them and find ways to satisfy them. Otherwise, for many years we will be looking for the ideal partner who will make us happy. This is a very dangerous delusion, because you can wait forever, and your life time is limited.

Have you noticed that the life of all fairy-tale heroes goes through 3 main stages:

1. A happy childhood, where there is a strong, kind and loving parental figure (Mother, father, sister, nanny) who will always comfort, protect and support.

11. The period of trials, where the hero goes on a journey and in the process of his wanderings is repeatedly disappointed, loses something, meets various obstacles, fears and monsters. And at these moments there is no one with him who would hide and protect him. He has to face the harsh and uncompromising reality one on one. Sometimes he manages to find a safe haven and loyal companions.

111. In fairy tales, this is not said, for fairy tales are dedicated only to those who have coped with the tests.

Only those who were able to survive the loss of their own childhood and say goodbye to hopes for an easy path and rescue without effort come to a happy partnership and wedding.

And also to understand that a suitable partner for life and a faithful companion is one with whom values and goals coincide, and not a beautiful picture.

In order to move on to this, you need to part with your own egocentrism and the illusion of your exclusiveness and omnipotence, understand your imperfection, vulnerability and accept it.

This is a difficult experience, comparable to a small death.

Love is a state when you can be yourself next to a person who is also himself, and at the same time there is acceptance of each other, respect, common goals and interests.

True love arises between those partners who do not try to re-educate and ennoble each other, but look at a real person with his shortcomings and quirks; do not build long-term expectations, but simply enjoy the moment and appreciate what they have.

True intimacy occurs where we can show another our dark side - our fears, vulnerabilities, imperfections - and gain understanding and recognition.

If you are already a little over thirty, and you have the hope of marrying a prince, then the time has come to understand that in fact you still have not met the ideal partner, not because there is no one a priori, or you have not got into the right time in the right place, but because you are stopped by high expectations, fears and doubts.

And in order for something to change in life, you need to understand that a traumatized child lives inside your heart, who longs to find a loving parent in the person of a partner.

But you are no longer children, and partners are not potential parents. You are adults.

And while you give the steering wheel of your life to this child, he will by all means protect himself from pain and strive to realize his picture of the world in any way.

Without finding a parent, he will feel weak, depend on the opinions of others, and will not be able to appreciate himself. Therefore, partners who are interesting to him will not pay attention to him.

The whole meaning of his life will focus on getting love, but at the same time protecting himself. So he will walk along the shore, trying to dip his finger into the water, but being afraid of it and afraid to go to another place.

And if he does manage to touch himself, he will bounce back like a scalded one, since close contact will reveal the most acute and painful experiences of his trauma.

The pain of memory of a humiliating relationship from childhood will become the sword of righteous anger in the present in relation to a partner and loneliness inside. And it will be like in a joke: "Hedgehogs cried, injected, but continued to climb on the cactus."

Because the “child” will begin to adapt to the other in order to receive love.

The only way to a happy relationship is to heal and grow your inner child yourself.

The fastest and cheapest way to do this is through an individual psychotherapy course.

A healthy inner child is a huge resource for joy, creativity, and sincerity.

It is also very important to take off protective masks and learn how to show your real self at the stage of acquaintance and talk about your true desires. This, of course, will increase the dropout rate of potential partners, but it will help to avoid disappointment in the future.