The Fear And Love Of The Obsessive Personality

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The obsessive or compulsive person lives in the fear of the coming of the future, in the eternal fear that something might change, in his uncertainty that in the future their picture of the world will not undergo changes

The origins of their compulsiveness stem from childhood, where an equally obsessive mother "trained" the child in order to get an obedient, tidy, intelligent and not causing trouble to the mother of the child. An emotionally cold and detached mother or the same father (hereinafter referred to as the mother) raised the child in the spirit of a soldier's drill and encouraged exclusively "correct" behavior. A child growing up in such conditions has learned only that if you are quiet and inconspicuous, if you follow all the instructions unquestioningly, then in the end you can get praise. Year after year, living in such a family system, the child developed his own picture of the world (very inspired by an obsessive mother), in which everything should be stable, correct, without tears and snot, and with an abundant number of rules that must be followed.

It is the system of adherence to the rules (compulsiveness) and the belief that this is the only correct path in life that give rise to obsessive personalities. By the way, such people can realize themselves very well in positions related to compliance with norms, inspections and in work with strictly regulated structures of actions. Naturally, warmth, affection, care and love that was not received in childhood make itself felt in the form of latent and suppressed aggression, which finds a way out in the sadistic observance of norms and rules, especially in binding these rules to other people. An official can really enjoy the realization of his latent aggression by writing out a certificate for several months. Moreover, the very act of stretching the time and performing all the procedures as they are is not perceived by this person as a violation or mockery, in view of his strict observance of all the instructions and rules, which in his eyes cannot be criticized. Pedantry and correctness are generated by tremendous tension inside, and, in fact, are bright markers of suppressed aggression. This is a very short and exaggerated example of the realization of aggression in compulsive individuals. This compulsive aggression is more common in everyday life, where an obsessive mother cannot afford either herself or her child to do homework with mistakes, even if this is the child's real level of development. Here we have the imposition of rules, and violence, and the realization of the suppressed aggression of the mother.

For the obsessive personality, fear of the coming future is of vital importance due to their personal intolerance to the coming changes and the ossified outlook on life, formed in an inflexible and rigid childhood, where all mobility and initiative were rigidly suppressed, where it was impossible to run around the house so as not to hit and not break a vase, where it was impossible to draw with a felt-tip pen on the wallpaper and where it was necessary to recite a verse to the guests, standing on a chair with a butterfly around his neck. Everything should be as it was and as it is, and nothing should change. The phone should be with buttons, and the wife should be able to cook borscht, they can't fire me from work, and our office should work forever. There is no place for change in this structured and understandable world in which there are so many things to be repeated every day. Rituals, frozen over the centuries, carry the sadness of many generations.

Accordingly, the relationship of obsessive individuals with other people is built on the same principle of adherence to rules and inviolability of boundaries.

Probably the most striking example of such a character is in Sheldon Cooper, The Big Bang Theory, who goes to the bathroom on a schedule and has a living agreement with his neighbor. It wouldn't be so funny if it weren't so sad in reality. Here is a dogmatically fanatical mom with religious dogmas and an alcoholic dad, who eventually gave birth to such an obsessive (and very funny in the series) child. We see from Sheldon's example that everything new enters his life very hard and slowly, with a great deal of skepticism and, of course, with a thorough check.

Love also falls under the rules. As a matter of fact, there is not much love there, there is attachment, there is convenience, there is duty and much more than can be justified and explained by living together. Another person in marriage next to an obsessive person is perceived as a partner, as an accomplice in a moral and volitional crime, in which violence against children and a partner will be performed. Sometimes divorce in such cases is perceived as a betrayal and its impossibility can always be explained from the position "I got married once, and you will always be with me", and the partner's opinion and feelings do not play any role for the obsessive person. Love is a relic of the past for them, which is in sentimental novels, where people are shown as weak and disorganized creatures, unable to fulfill their duty or observe elementary rules of decency. Love doesn't live here.

Yes, this is the classic obsessional model. Yes, there can be more or less obsession in life and yes, it can all be worked through. It is difficult to be near such people and it is difficult for them to live in this constantly changing world. And, of course, these people deserve our love and respect no less than everyone else. They are the same as we are, just as children they had a square ball.