Violence By Silence

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

To become a blank wall is the end of a dialogue, a demonstration of power that communicates to the other: what you want, what you think, what you feel - does not matter in the slightest.

When my mother was angry or unhappy, she began to act like I just didn’t. At such moments, it was as if I became invisible, a ghost, or a window pane. When I was little - I was probably six or seven years old - everything burned inside me from her fierce gaze, I cried and begged her to say at least a word, but she was silent.

Of course, all my childhood I walked on tiptoe around her in fear. It's like being locked in an attic as punishment, but much more subtle and less obvious. Until the age of forty, I did not understand that this was such a type of violence.

This woman is not alone; children who grew up in the midst of verbal and emotional abuse often consider such behavior to be normal, mistakenly believing that the same happens in all families.

Not surprisingly, there is a lot of disagreement in society about what counts as domestic violence. Although most people are willing to recognize physical abuse as a problem - actions that leave visible bruises or fractures - however, many do not understand where the inability to cope with their own emotions (for example, irritation) ends and violence against another person begins.

However, it doesn't matter whether such behavior is a deliberate attempt to manipulate and control another, or whether a person justifies himself by saying that “he (a) provoked him (s)” - both of these options are violence.

In contrast to public opinion, research shows very clearly what emotional and verbal abuse does to a child's brain: they literally change its structure.

Such children grow up into adults who do not trust their perception and have serious difficulties in coping with their emotions; they develop an insecure attachment style that separates them from their own feelings (avoidance style) or makes them very vulnerable and sensitive to rejection (anxious style). Since they have a tendency to consider verbal abuse as the norm, they can find in a relationship with a person who this verbal abuse manifests to them.

When most of us think of verbal abuse, we imagine screaming and screaming, but the truth is that the most toxic abuse is quiet and silent; reread the story that begins this article and note that in this case, the weapon of violence is maternal silence.

Lea, 38, wrote to me about her first marriage:

I became a pitiful creature, begged him to tell me that after this quarrel, he still loves me, but he did not answer. I begged even more, cried, and he was sitting on the couch with a stone face. Then I started to apologize, even if he started a fight, and I did nothing wrong.

That's how I was afraid that he would leave. I did not consider his behavior to be either violence or control until I went to therapy in my 35 years. After all, I lived like this for 12 years and did not even think that something was wrong.

Leia's story is no exception, she is not the only one who has considered such a partner's behavior to be normal for years. Violence by silence is easy to rationalize or deny: "he just doesn't want to talk," "she's just trying to get her thoughts together," "he doesn't want to hurt me on purpose," or "maybe I'm really too sensitive, as she says."

Children learn not only those messages that they receive in the process of verbal abuse (for example, "why did I just give birth to you", "you are a monster", "you only have trouble", etc.), but also form their expectations of the world and understanding how people behave in relationships from this parental silence.

There are several types of violence by silence: a blank wall, ignorance, a demonstration of contempt, and refusal of emotional contact. They all have the same goal - to make the person marginal, make them feel terrible, and increase control.

A blank wall or shut down from the needs of another.

There is a lot of research devoted to this behavior and it even has its own abbreviation DM / W (from the English Demand / Withdraw), because it is recognized as one of the most toxic patterns of relationships.

To become a blank wall is the end of the dialogue and this means that the person who initiated this dialogue is losing heart.

When a parent does this to a child, he or she clearly demonstrates by this that the child's thoughts and feelings have no value and nobody cares: and since the child's needs are the parent's love and support, the child will learn this lesson as a kind of " the truth "about yourself.

When one adult partner does this with another, it is simply a demonstration of power that communicates to the other: what you want, what you think, what you feel - in our relationship does not matter in the least.

Ignoring or boycotting.

Pretending not to see or hear someone is especially sensitive to children, especially if it is used as a punishment. A small child may feel abandoned or thrown out of the family, an older child may experience the pain of rejection and at the same time deep anger, as Ella says about it:

My father immediately stopped talking to me as soon as I disappointed him, which happened very often. The reason could be bad grades in school, not very good sports results, or anything. He always said the same thing: “You need to get yourself together. You are too sensitive, the strongest survives in this world. My mother adhered to the same principles.

When I was a teenager, I was angry with both of them, but at the same time I thought that their disappointment was my fault. I was an only child and I had no one to compare with. In short, I felt really bad by college, but fortunately, a great therapist just saved me.

Partners also use the boycott to humiliate and devalue, as well as to scare the other side, "knock down".

This is a way to make the other feel vulnerable, send him into an emotional Siberian exile, and this is done in order to make the partner more pliable and more controllable.

Contempt and ridicule.

Laughing at someone, teasing them with grimaces, or expressing disgust by rolling their eyes can also be an instrument of violence that devalues and humiliates, even though it does not involve words.

These gestures, alas, can easily not be recognized by the offender, who will accuse you of being oversensitive ("oh, how gentle we are"), nagging ("you always find fault with everything") or lack of a sense of humor ("you don't understand jokes ").

Make no mistake: this is violence. To call another a fool and devalue one does not necessarily need words.

Refusal of emotional contact.

This is perhaps the most subtle form of violence, especially when it comes to a child: a deliberate refusal to give support, love and care - that is, everything that is so necessary for a child to develop. Of course, the child does not understand what exactly he is being deprived of, but he feels how loneliness fills the void in his heart.

But it is not much easier for an adult partner who is treated in this way, because when you are denied emotional needs, it makes you even more in need of their satisfaction and sometimes makes you even more dependent on the partner.

This is counterintuitive, but true. Avoiding emotional contact is a powerful tool for those who crave power and control.

Violence is violence. If someone uses words or silence to make you feel worthless and powerless, then that person is committing violence. Remember this simple formula.

Translation: Julia Lapina