What Does Silence In A Relationship Say?

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Video: What Does Silence In A Relationship Say?

Video: What Does Silence In A Relationship Say?
Video: When Men Go Silent? 2024, March
What Does Silence In A Relationship Say?
What Does Silence In A Relationship Say?
Anonim

One of the markers of cooling relations in marriage is the inability of partners to dialogue. Spouses stop talking to each other, not because they have nothing more to say, and not because they know each other so well that they no longer need to speak. Mutual silence does not emanate the peace of long-term and close relationships. From him comes through alienation and failed communication.

Silence indicates not that we have already said everything to each other, but that many things have not been said. It's hard to accept, but we really just don't want to hear what our partner wants to tell us. Rather, we know perfectly well that what he wants to tell us, we do not want to hear.

Many ideas about intimacy and love grew out of mythical and abstract ideas that true love is capable of moving mountains, overcoming all obstacles and withstanding everything. We grew up in emotionally connected relationships. The parent-child relationship is based on merger and dependency. Our parents forgave us for our mistakes, endured whims and continued to love unconditionally. Such are they moms and dads. I myself am such a parent.

But these notions do not apply to marriage. True intimacy requires the ability to stand on one's own two feet. It is not true that intimacy equals acceptance, confirmation, and absolute reciprocity on the part of the partner. We just really want it. Intimacy is associated with the awareness of separation from the partner and the presence of those parts of themselves that are to be revealed to the other. There are two of us. We don't have to agree with each other on everything. Should not guess thoughts, desires and moods of each other. It doesn’t sound like, “If you don’t do this, then I won’t. I need to be confident in you to trust."

We may not agree. We are together, but we are not one. Intimacy is achieved not through mutual confirmation, but through conflict and personal disclosure. Through personal responsibility for the process, without blaming the other, correcting YOUR behavior, being responsible for your feelings, washing and actions. It sounds like, “I don't expect you to agree with me. I want you to love me. But you can't do it until I show you who I am. I want you to know me."

Without waiting for guarantees and confirmation from the partner. Openly expressing yourself and your feelings in the face of the partner's various reactions, supporting your Self in the process of others knowing us. Not adjusting to it, but maintaining your own sense of self.

If we are able to show ourselves and not hide our feelings, we do not require anything from a partner, except the ability to state how we are feeling right now.

The idea that true love “should” is an attempt to drown feelings in our own projections. I must always love, I must be interested, I must guess, foresee, forgive, endure …..

Isn't there too much for such a fragile feeling?

A relationship in a couple is an exchange of information. When we complain about “bad communication,” it is often about interactions that make us feel bad. This indicates that we are unable to deal with the received message.

In fact, we can communicate, but in this communication we feel that the partner sees and understands us differently than we ourselves would like to be understood. We refuse to accept such messages, expecting the other to change their message to compensate for our personal weakness. We need a reflected feeling of ourselves, getting the desired response. To do this, we broadcast distorted, embellished information about ourselves, instead of revealing ourselves in the entire range of our qualities. We adapt to the differences of our partner in order to reduce our own anxiety. This further alienates us from each other, since our partner will never know who we really are. The fear of rejection makes us remain silent where it is necessary to speak out.

“I have to be sure in advance that you will agree with what I say,” - this thought kills intimacy. Recognizing a partner as a separate person through the acceptance of his statements, which are different from our reality, will confirm an adult position and a willingness to intimate relationships. Marriage is not a place where we should be comforted and supported in everything. This approach leads to temporary solutions to problems. True intimacy is the ability to maintain your own sense of self while in relationship with others.

Such relationships are not sterile and not free from controversy. But our dissimilarity does not scare us. We can handle our own anxiety without falling into despair. We know how to cope with our feelings, but feelings do not take possession of us. True recognition of your partner means acceptance of the fact that he should not adjust to us in spite of himself.

Intimacy is related not only to our relationship with a partner, but also to our relationship with ourselves. We ourselves need to give up the fantasy of compensating for our childhood and take care of ourselves as an adult. Our partners are not our parents. It is a big mistake to stop taking care of yourself by starting a family.

In fact, it doesn't matter at all how our partner will behave in conflicting situations. What matters is what we do. Either reflect in a partner, not showing ourselves, or openly talk about what we feel, without giving ultimatums, very clearly formulating our own priorities and desires. To hear each other, you need to listen, and not look for confirmation of your beliefs in the words of another person.

What the partner says or does is his process and we cannot stop it. But we can let our partner see us for who we really are, even when it means not very pleasant experiences for him.

To recognize each other not by how we reflect in each other, but by how each of us manifests himself in life, fights for his own dreams, for how he is inspired, by the fire in our eyes and by how deep we are we ourselves understand these processes within ourselves.

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