Silence In The Psychotherapist's Office

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Video: Silence In The Psychotherapist's Office

Video: Silence In The Psychotherapist's Office
Video: Dunder Mifflin is A Quiet Place - The Office US 2024, March
Silence In The Psychotherapist's Office
Silence In The Psychotherapist's Office
Anonim

“To remain silent is to listen at the same time

and let things speak for themselves."

Paul Ricoeur

I didn't feel like writing an article. I wanted to keep quiet, not say anything, and just think about the different processes and experiences that are now taking place in my office. Sometimes this also happens in work. Silence ensues, in which the space is filled with a dense, slightly viscous sensation, in which there is a place for feelings and a place for shared sadness, tears, but there is no place for words. In this silence, the word can break the fragile fabric of feelings. The word can distract, return to the usual way of ignoring experiences. "The word is silver, and silence is gold."

Golden silence allows feelings to calmly float into the channel of liberation.

I'm not talking about a moment's pauses to formulate a sentence, I'm talking about longer moments of reflection, both from the client's side and from the psychotherapist's side.

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Q. He was 11 years old and was in the hospital awaiting a complex operation. There were many people around and everyone told him how an 11-year-old child should feel, with tubes sticking out of his body. And V., more and more wanted to just look out the window and be silent. I went in and asked if I could sit with him. From 60 minutes of our meeting, 40 minutes I was silent. I filled this silence with feelings - I was inexpressibly sad to see this tired and exhausted child. I filled the silence with reflections on what it would be like to be a child, waiting for either a magical recovery or death. He allowed me to come next time because I was silent - so he later told his mother. And I just didn’t dare to say that I understand how hard it is for him, I didn’t lie that everything would be fine and didn’t try to cheer him up.

Of course, this was not a completely standard situation and did not take place in the office, but in the hospital. But there is room for silence under less painful circumstances.

Of course, people come to the office to talk: to tell the problem, to hear leading questions and comments. The client comes to work and waits for work from a psychotherapist. You have to talk, open up, tell everything "honestly, like a doctor." The therapist, in turn, must find words that will help the client find a way out. All this is important. But silence is no less eloquent and sometimes reveals one of the most important needs - just to be in the presence of another person, with all your experiences and characteristics.

Of course, if you come for a one-time consultation, you are unlikely to spend your time in silence, but if you work for a long time, silence is inevitable.

It takes a long time before the client allows himself to be silent, but in this lies the most important need - to Be. Just being close to another person who accepts everything that happens at this moment.

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I see this in the office in a variety of situations - this unexpressed need to do nothing in the usual sense of these words. In the movement of life, we are already forced to do something all the time - to make decisions, discuss, explain, work. And this is a very important permission to yourself - to stop doing what you supposedly need, stop talking for others, and allow yourself to be present without demands and expectations.

To be what you want to be at this very moment. How easy it is to be a child by the river with your legs dangling from the bridge. How can you be in tacit closeness with loved ones.

“Like I’ve got some water” - the client is silent, holding back tears. The eyes are moistened and redden a little and it seems that if you utter even a word, tears will pour out so that you will not be able to calm down. And the client remains silent, protecting himself from pain if he does not believe that he can withstand it. And sometimes, the client needs to be silent in order to decide on something, in order to overcome resistance and say what he would not like to voice. Or maybe the client makes it clear that he is offended or angry with the therapist; maybe he is sad or is experiencing an affect that he cannot put into words. And sometimes, the horror and pain of the experience is more than any words and there is simply nothing to say.

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Why is the psychotherapist silent?

The psychotherapist, with very rare exceptions, thinks during pauses about whether he has turned off the iron and what to buy for dinner. Otherwise, there are big questions about his professionalism. All thoughts, sensations and feelings are focused on what is happening now with the client and in the therapist-client relationship.

What should you keep silent about?

Why is it so important not to speak?

What wants to be hidden?

How can a word help or hinder?

When the therapist is silent, he thinks about what to say, sometimes he gets confused and weighs the timeliness of interpretations. He is sad with the client, pauses to give an opportunity to speak, thinks about the client, recalls his story, connects within himself the events and experiences of the client's past experience. Then silence is a vessel that contains anxiety and helps to withstand it. It is so easy to use words to fight this anxiety. This happens in life, with all the usual "don't worry, everything will be fine, calm down."

Who do these phrases really help? Whether to someone who is worried or to someone who thinks that he urgently needs to be comforted. It is anxious to be near a person, not knowing how to help him and how to calm him down. It is disturbing to just be in this moment, admitting your human limitations and even helplessness.

"Silent means consent". The therapist agrees to be at this moment with all the feelings that come. The therapist agrees to doubt and not know, just as the client does not know. In silence, the therapist can offer the experience that not knowing and doubting is as much a part of life as everyone else. It's so natural to be a confused person. It is so natural to be with someone else.

“I didn't know what was going on, and that was my only very important knowledge, and during the subsequent sessions I decided to shut up and listen. And I listened because I hadn't done it before. I listened as the Navajo and Kopi shamans taught me. I listened with my ears; I listened with my body; I turned off my mind as much as possible and listened with my feet; and I listened to what was left"

J. Bernstein

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And if something from what you wrote responded to you, come to the psychotherapist not only to talk, but also to listen to what the silence has to say.

Illustrations: photographs by photo artist Joel Robison

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