A Letter From A Born Child To Mom

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Hello mother!

I never wrote to you. I do not know why. It is difficult for me to do this even now. The heart is bubbling in my chest, and tears are welling up in my eyes and my head starts to ache ….

I'm sorry if I bring you pain in my own words, but it's time to tell each other the truth.

I believe in you, you are an adult - you can handle yourself after reading.

It took me, too, more than one year to cope with all this.

More than one year of psychotherapy….

Today I turn N years old.

I'm not a little girl anymore, although sometimes (often) I could still feel like that.

I am growing according to my passport, although you cannot say about the internal processes.

For a long time I go to see a therapist with whom I live all my childhood experience, experience with YOU, with myself, with the world.

Probably, it all started very early, in the first months of your pregnancy. Living inside you, I cognized YOUR emotional world, your reactions, your nutritional needs. It is not for nothing that they say that “Children know the parents IS INSIDE”.

I don't know what happened in your life (I can only guess), you never talked about it (and only in the course of therapy did I start asking you these questions myself, but some of which I never received an answer. never will), when you first became annoyed with pregnancy, not accept it, resist its presence. Perhaps you even thought about abortion, or worse, tried to carry it out. I understand you, you were no less scared, lonely, unbearable than me. Carrying me in spite of everything and everyone is not easy.

You are probably very surprised, how do I know this?

Imagine, I can feel it - through those invisible processes of disturbed inner attachment that I have with others, through the way I build the process with the therapist. Through those events that happen to me at the same time and month, where (from the date of my birth) approximately 15-25 weeks of your pregnancy with me falls on.

It took me a while to live and accept it.

To endure a new, HEALTHY pregnancy in therapy.

But this is just the beginning.

I don't remember how you treated me in the first years of my life. Whether I was a comfortable, or capricious, or disobedient child. I know for sure: I did not feel desirable. Once, I was told that people with 80% confidence can say if they are desired children in their family or not. I can say with 100% certainty. My fears are confirmed by the entries in the children's card, where almost every month I was sick (either diarrhea, then anemia, or an infectious disease), at the age of 9 months. I was sent to a five-day garden (where it also brought you constant inconvenience with its sores. Now I understand that all this was caused by a lack of love and acceptance of me), and at the age of 3 I underwent surgery alone. You weren't there all the time. And if you were, then, apparently, somehow not satisfactory for me. Your parents also added fuel to the fire: “Single mother, shame!”, “Birth of a geek”….

Perhaps because of this attitude towards myself, I formed a distrust of the world, which greatly affected the way I went to therapy. How I was in it. How I tried to quit the just getting better relationship. How to deal with the fear of contact. I was just as sick as I was with you, Mom, being at work with a therapist! I was as angry as I was with you, Mom! I double-checked the world as I did with you, Mom! The only difference is that you did not support me, did not console me when I was bad, but disappeared. Now I understand that YOU YOURSELF needed no less support, you yourself were in a crisis, you yourself did NOT receive all this from your parents. And all the closeness, love could NOT give me too! I'm sorry Mom! I feel sorry for you and myself!

It was not so easy for me to come to this understanding.

I went through resistance, pain, Anger, periodic depression and mourning.

How strong are these transfers!

Growing up and continuing to live in this environment, I found other ways of survival: grimacing, manipulating, lying, exaggerating the significance of some important events for myself. Probably, I could not do otherwise. This childhood strategy saved me from wild pain (pain of abandonment, loneliness, uselessness and rejection) in reality. With age, my "skill" improved. I surrounded myself with people with whom I could do this. This was part of my script. The paths of life.

I didn't realize it for a long time, Mom!

I thought I was happy.

Truth! I honestly thought so.

Moreover, you weren’t there again and you didn’t explain anything to me.

Perhaps you and YOURSELF lived in an illusion.

I'm sorry. Now I understand it …..

Forgive me mom, but during the therapy work you had to be moved, in my head, with stronger figures.

I still need time to get stronger.

I now know what my strength is. In the awareness of all this. In the ability to live it.

I can handle it, I learned to believe in myself and in myself.

I can be a caring mother to MYSELF. The mom I didn't have.

· The letter is published with the permission of the client. Confidentiality is preserved.

May 2015