The Permissions I Gave Myself

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

One of the valuable acquisitions I have since the beginning of my therapy is permits. I gradually, step by step, began to return to myself what my loved ones did not allow me in childhood, and then, following their example, in the same way I did not allow myself much, as an adult.

Since childhood, I have a heightened sense of justice and the ability to subtly capture the emotions of other people. I was very indignant when I saw that my grandmother said unpleasant things about my mother on the phone to her girlfriends. I struggled - pulled the phone cord out of the socket at such moments. Of course, the normal desire of a child to protect his closest person was turned inside out and condemned. I was ashamed for how bad I am, for interfering with my grandmother's conversation.

My attempts to defend my borders, into which not too empathetic adults broke in at full speed, were also subjected to the most severe condemnation and rejection. Moreover, not only me, but also relatives, to whom my grandmother told her version of what happened, was told about how "stubborn" and "hooligan" I was.

I am sure that such stories with violation of boundaries, injustice, giving negative assessments of actions and subsequent condemnation happened in the life of every child. If not with close relatives, then with educators or teachers at school, neighbors and other people whose opinion turned out to be important and forced to adapt.

The child does not have many opportunities to cope with such situations. More often than not, children, if they do not fully accept, then at least take into account the adult's assessment. And they decide that it is they who are to blame for what happened, they are the bad ones. And since they are bad, then they need to change, adapt and become better. And children try to become as comfortable as possible for the adults around them, so that they feel as little as possible an intolerable feeling of shame that you did not live up to someone's hopes or, oh, horror, caused someone's anger.

Each such decision is a child's contribution to the relationship and a betrayal of himself by him. Giving up some part of yourself in order to get a little attention and acceptance from an adult. This happens if the child is still hoping for the opportunity to receive this acceptance. If hope is almost dead, and the pain of betrayal and rejection is unbearable, the child can close his heart forever and become indifferent to both his own suffering and the suffering of others. Cruelty appears in him, he takes revenge on this world for all the suffering he endured. And this is the only way he can touch them now - seeing the pain of another.

But not everyone follows the path of cruelty, most still try to be "good" in order to receive recognition from other people.

How many of these "good" boys and girls, who over and over again give up their desires and needs, reluctantly agreeing to what they do not like. Or they don’t know at all what they want and expect that someone “adult and smart” will tell them this.

Returning to permissions.

In the first step, I learned to trust myself more and the emotions that arose in me in the process of interacting with a person. If earlier I first of all looked for the reason in myself and thought: "What did I do wrong? And how can I fix it?" Then later I began to see how many negative reactions of people are not connected at all with my actions or words. People reacted to some kind of understanding of their own, and not to what I expressed. So I allowed myself to feel and believe what I felt.

Then I allowed myself to defend myself. Not to endure when I feel bad, entering the position of another person, but to talk about what is unacceptable for me. And to distance myself, even to get out of communication altogether, if my boundaries were not taken into account. I allowed myself to set boundaries, even if it causes someone's resentment or rage.

I allowed other people to feel the emotions they feel and not take the blame for it. For my part, I adhere to my code of honor, taking care of the boundaries of the other, responsively and respectfully reacting to their designation. But I am not responsible if my life, just life, without the intention to do wrong to another, causes negative feelings in the latter.

I allowed myself not to define myself by someone else's opinion or assessment of me. Neither enthusiastic nor derogatory. First of all, I listen to myself and rely on my own, significant for me criteria.

I allowed myself not to fuss. Do not run after achievements, do not correspond to someone's ideas about how to live, do not chase fashion. Allowed to listen to myself and discard unnecessary things.

I allowed myself to be vulnerable. As opposed to the facade of "being strong in all circumstances", which, as it turned out, requires too high a price for a skillfully created illusion. There is a lot of present in vulnerability, and there, as it turned out, there is much more strength, more resilience. But this force, it is not rigid, like a frame that can be broken, but very flexible.

In general, I allowed myself to be more real, to recognize myself in this authenticity. And to be in contact with another person, not only by the facade, but as a whole, by the whole. Accepting ourselves and others, seeing us as we are.

Now I help others get their permission.