2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
One of the common reasons for referring to a therapist is a desire to sort out the thoughts and the seeming lack of logic in the behavior of another. “Why did the guy from the dating app suddenly disappear and not answer messages ?!”, “Why does a colleague just flirt at the cooler and send emoticons, but doesn't call for lunch?”, “Why does the boss break into hysterics all the time?”, “Why is the son throwing tantrums? …
Those who have experience of communicating with psychotherapists know that, most likely, a professional will fend off the textbook: "How do you yourself / yourself this behavior?", "What do you feel about this?"
The point here is, firstly, in professional ethics: when we work with a client, we focus on the client. We do not work "about another", we work only about the one who sits in front of us in an armchair.
Secondly, the very fact that a person got together and did come to a consultation means that a movement has begun in the inner world. When a person seeks a therapist, she or he is driven by an important “inward” anxiety. Something in the personal picture of the world is very hurt, a certain discomfort has arisen, with which there is no longer the strength to put up.
But there is also a third reason. If during the session we try to decipher the feelings and motives of the Other, no third, in absentia, then we seem to ascribe to them a much greater importance. And at this moment the client turns into the one who alone can reflect, react, and adapt. As they would say in narrative practice, the client at this moment is deprived of the authorship of his story. And the psychotherapist and the client sit and wonder what this invisible Other had in mind, because the whole plot depends on him. This is not the case. The client's request, the client's story, the inner life and conclusions are also the client, and only him (or her).
To a greater extent, by the way, this phenomenon is common among women. By virtue of traditional upbringing, women are encouraged to cooperate and take into account the interests of others. Sometimes so that they forget to explain that the focus of attention from the behavior and desires and needs of others is sometimes worth translating into your own.
By the way, when we “invent” the motivation of another person, we underestimate the abilities of our own mirror neurons. Nature conceived us as rather fine-tuned collective players. And, if we delve into our feelings and interpret them subtly, then, most likely, we will be able to very correctly count the other, to whom our neurons reacted. That is why, when analyzing the behavior of another, it is worth listening to your feelings and asking yourself the questions, "What do I feel about this now?" - this has already been analyzed in this article.
Reflection - keeping track of your own thoughts and "thoughts of thoughts" requires pauses and takes a lot of time. However, having spent a few minutes to peer deep into ourselves, then we can save hours and days, not dealing with other people's affairs and thoughts.
Therefore, every time someone in your environment behaves incomprehensibly, first of all, listen to yourself. How is that to you? How does this incomprehensible behavior make you feel? What is your opinion on this matter - without the obligatory consideration and decoding of the opinions of others? And act on the basis of your own interests, and not on the basis of the strange characteristics of billions of people on this planet.
Photo: Andrea Torres
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