2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
This article is for those who don't have the best relationship with their mom. How does a mother give negative attitudes to her daughter for life? Why are these settings so difficult to track and fix?
Elena is a very successful manager. Everything that she undertakes, she succeeds. The management loves Elena - she is a very responsible employee, she takes on any task. At the same time, she does not ask for a raise in salary and does not require a promotion. Very friendly staff member, talented. Elena herself is very tough, grasping and always loves to prove her opinion. Because she is always right, what is not clear? She comes home very late because she has the most work to do. Maybe the boss will finally notice her successes and offer a promotion in the position and in the salary. And Elena also has a domineering mother, who, although she does not live with her daughter, diligently “keeps her finger on the pulse”. She considers it her sacred duty to call her daughter and reproach her for everything: for not being married, for working late, for not making great and outstanding success. “Here I am at your age …” says my mother. And she talks about her endlessly successful youth, about how she ran the company, how she was successful with men. Not like a daughter. After each such conversation, Elena cries into her pillow until morning and cannot understand why she is so unhappy, why she gets so annoyed every time she talks to her mother and why her mother does not love her so much … If only my mother would finally notice and appreciate all her efforts … then she would love her ugly girl.
What happens in a mother-daughter pair and why is this union always so difficult?
Until about three years of age, both boys and girls develop identically from a psychological point of view, learn to walk, talk, take care of themselves, play with their peers, go through all stages of separation-individuation (about those who do not go through - another story). The turning point comes at the age of 4-6, during the resolution of the so-called Oedipus complex. Boys under favorable circumstances pass it successfully, and girls … girls never pass it. The result of the exit from the Oedipus period is the formed Super-I, the ability to understand and accept laws and rules, the boys receive the promise that when they grow up they will have their own, young and beautiful wife. And for the girl, everything is more complicated. Turning to her father, she becomes his princess, his golden girl, his main woman forever. The father of his daughter cannot establish the law and the rule as he sets it to his son. And mom? And the mother enters into a competitive struggle with her daughter. For the attention of her husband, for his place in the sun. We must show and prove that she is the mistress here. And this despite the fact that, ideally, the father should educate (give rules, laws of life), and the mother should love her child endlessly. Remember the fairy tale about the princess and the seven heroes? "But the princess is the loveliest, All blush and whiter." Uncontrollable, unconscious jealousy makes the mother in every possible way impose prohibitions on her daughter on the slightest manifestation of herself, her identity, her personality. And not because she doesn't love her daughter. Rather, because he does not love and does not accept himself, does not recognize a simple thing in himself: "there are no ideal people, and I am not ideal either." This rejection will force her to endlessly prove to everyone around that she is better, she can, she will cope. It's easier for a daughter to prove this, because she is small. And all this happens unconsciously and with the best intentions.
The child forgets almost everything that happened to him before the age of 4, but vaguely remembers that he was infinitely, unconditionally loved once upon a time. And for the rest of her life, the daughter will strive for that state of unconditional love of her mother, when she did not have to try to do something in order for her mother to love her. Loved just like that.
“Look what a mess you are! But the neighbor's Tanechka is clever, neat and tidy”- is forever imprinted in the matrix of her daughter's attitudes and causes an adult woman to feel inferiority, that someone is always better and more beautiful than her.
“My daughter should be the best - an excellent student, an athlete, an activist” - even after graduating from school with a gold medal and an institute with honors, my daughter rushes to the embrasure in adulthood, conquering new heights - in work, in personal achievements and realization, goes to fierce competition with others, so that my mother can always be proud of her. And such emptiness and heartache inside …
Disgust and denial once demonstrated on "Mom, Look What A Beautiful Beetle!" provokes the daughter's confidence that no matter what she does and does not show, there will always be little (and sometimes even disgusting!). Hence the fear of the new and the glass ceiling in self-realization.
Understanding will come: something is wrong. The matured daughter begins to pay attention to such trifles as the always dissatisfied expression on her mother's face, stinginess in praise and expression of feelings, rare hugs. There were more than enough “encouragements” like “why are you the worst”, “I'm ashamed of you”. And it becomes bitter and insulting. And the search for new meanings begins: why do I live? What is my destiny? Who am I? The last question is especially frequent - who am I. Because once an adult woman realizes that she did not seem to live her own life, because everything she sought was done for her mother. That once she had childhood dreams that no one was interested in. That every communication with the mother causes her uncontrollable shuddering, irritation, bitterness, resentment and anger. To whom, she herself cannot understand.
Some of the readers may say “Here! Again the mother is to blame! And I will answer: yes and no. It's just that a small child does not know how to defend himself. She does not know how to distinguish good from bad and faithfully believes in everything that my mother says. If my mother said “I’ll kill you for torn tights,” then the daughter is terribly afraid to come home if something happened to these very tights. And everything that a child once believed in childhood remains with him forever. Is he to blame for this?
Already in adolescence, in the heyday of girlish sexuality, the mother just loses her temper. There is everything here: fear for your daughter (what if something happens to her, she’s stupid at all!), And envy, and jealousy, and understanding of the arrival of your personal maturity (and then old age ?!). Moreover, a change in hormonal levels plays an important role. And the mother begins to oppress in every possible way, to impose a ban on her daughter's sexuality. You can not wear bright things, paint. And sometimes it is impossible to look somehow, and to express your opinion. Appears criticism in the direction of appearance: “You look like an ugly duckling, look at your walk! And what a posture … horror! - crooked legs, clubfoot, squint, crooked teeth and general absurdity are often attributed to very pretty girls. And the head is drawn into the shoulders, the gaze is always lowered and looks at the feet … The already difficult adolescence turns into a nightmare.
What to do if maternal promises do not allow you to live the way you want?
Since all negative attitudes were given to the daughter in childhood, they pass into her unconscious and remain there forever, determining her perception, behavior and actions. But you can correct them. If there is no opportunity and desire to go to a psychologist and work on oneself, then the easiest way is to avoid communicating with the mother. But it is also the most difficult one. Because feelings of guilt and shame, nurtured from childhood, will not be so easy to let go. How is it not to communicate with the mother? What will people say? What a shame … Mother gave her all her life, all of herself, and she … ungrateful.
The second path is long, difficult, but effective. You can limit yourself to the word "psychotherapy". And you can add: understanding the causes of negative life scenarios, rebuilding identity, returning faith in oneself, working out negative attitudes, forming personal values, setting boundaries, forming a new destiny. Reader's choice. And yes. To be continued.
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