2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
When positive inflation is combined with a narcissistic drive for excellence, then the self-image with which a person identifies himself must be flawless. Staying flawless and encapsulated is a lifestyle that maintains mental integrity. Any flaw in the created picture is terrifying, since it threatens with disintegration and falling into a narcissistic void. The perfect image is the glass capsule in which the narcissist lives.
The impenetrable walls of the capsule help the narcissist to maintain mental integrity, but fenced off from open and live contact with the inner and outer world. Feeling fear of the consequences of feelings and actions, as well as of facing reality, the narcissist becomes dependent on his protective structures. But these structures can quickly turn into a bunch of shards. The material from which they are made is inherently fragile, so the narcissist is very vulnerable. And he knows very well that the wound can be fatal for him.
Veronica, 44 years old, filed complaints about her 15-year-old daughter, who behaves disorganized, dropped all “decent” affairs, dropped out of school and, moreover, dresses like a “strange boy”. Masha, the daughter of Veronica, was invited by good tutors, she studied at a prestigious lyceum, attended a music and art school. But for some time now the girl began to refuse to attend tutors, music and art school. She was rude to her parents, became closed and inaccessible. The parents found out that the daughter does not communicate with her old friends, instead she has new “dubious” friends, with whom she plays games for hours and speaks on the phone.
Talking about her daughter, Veronica was covered with shame, she spoke about her daughter either detachedly or suddenly covered with shame. Veronica herself is a beautiful, well-groomed woman who knew how to "hold herself" and make a good impression. Veronica dreamed of a great future for her daughter, and when Masha began to destroy everything, she felt her failure and fell into a narcissistic depression. Veronica entered one of the meetings very angry and declared from the doorway that all the time spent here was “wasted”. Her daughter cut her hair and dyed it an "unimaginable" color. The therapist's place is not for her, who managed to build her life "as it should," but for Masha, who went down the slope. This time, for the first time, Veronica allowed herself to cry and admit that she was haunted by the feeling that her daughter deliberately commits all these outrageous acts to show her imperfection.
When I asked Veronica to make a list of her own perfection, writing them down in the column on the left, and in the column on the right, write down characteristics that are opposite in meaning to perfection. When the task was completed, Veronica and I saw what happened. But it turned out that all the opposites of Veronica's perfect qualities corresponded to Masha's “despicable” qualities. Over time, Veronica began to more boldly admit her sense of shame, which accompanied her all her life, but was carefully hidden behind the facade of a good education, a successful marriage and an impeccable upbringing of a child. Veronica was also able to realize that the difficulties Masha was experiencing were a symbolic expression of her own shadow: ashamed, despised and rejected. Masha seemed to be fulfilling her mother's unconscious demand to play out her shadow. Two years later, Masha received her secondary education and went to university in another country, her strange manifestations, as well as her closeness towards Veronica, began to weaken. Having experienced many insights and inspired by the changes in her daughter's behavior, Veronica felt more alive and free.
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