Self-esteem

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

A lot of articles and videos have already been written about self-esteem, but still this topic does not lose its relevance because a certain path must be taken from theory to practice.

And today, at the next consultation with my client, I faced this question.

How it was?

The client told me about his achievements. He has been in therapy for some time, and already there are already significant results. And so he says to me:

- You know, Natasha, my working capacity has increased, I managed to do a lot of things, even those that have been gathering dust in the background for a long time. I am so collected and organized that it becomes disgusting to myself.

And now the word "Disgusting" became an indicator that something was wrong here. How can a person first strive for results, work hard for this, and then take everything and devalue it.

- And what do you mean when you say - Already most disgusting.

- Well, that's what I am, I say with irony. I'm not going to extol myself here.

- Why not?

- Well, I'm not used to that.

- OK. And let's imagine that suddenly there are two of you and now the first one says to the second - so collected that it is already disgusting. How would the second you feel?

- I would feel that I am not important, they do not reckon with me. I would go looking for another to communicate.

- Well, after all, both people in this dialogue are you. How do you like what's going on between them?

- Not really.

- You know, how you treat yourself other people feel good and begin to treat you the same way you treat yourself …

In fact, the ironic phrase "Already the most disgusting" is aggression towards oneself and a protective mechanism that helps to cope with the alleged pain. The client expects that I can devalue his achievements, so he acts as if proactively, because when you tease yourself, the attacks of another do not matter so much. It doesn't hurt anymore, because you kind of set the tone yourself.

And how can a successful and wealthy man have such expectations in relation to me? After all, I did not allow myself such a thing in communication with him?

Most likely, this style of communication was laid down in childhood.

- Did it happen in childhood that you did something and expected approval from your parents, but this never happened?

- Yes it was. I remember that I tried, did a lot to get praise from my mother, but this did not happen. Apparently my attempts weren't that great. But I'm not ready to talk about childhood yet.

Parents who do not notice the efforts of their child grow up insecure children. And as adults, these children often suffer from the fact that other people do not value them as they deserve, even though they really do a lot. Why don't they do it? Because he himself does not value himself. This hackneyed thesis that you will not love yourself, no one will love, you will not praise yourself, no one will praise, in fact, it is very relevant.

So what is self-esteem?

Self-esteem is a person's idea of the value of his own personality, the importance of himself and his activities among other people, as well as the importance of himself, his feelings, experiences, etc.

Self-assessment performs the following functions:

1. Regulatory. Self-esteem is the basis of the choice that a person makes every minute of his life. Does a person choose high-quality products and clothes for himself, inspiring relationships with successful people, good rest, or does he consider himself unworthy to use the best, and chooses an average one for himself. “Stretch your legs according to your clothes” is the choice of a person with low self-esteem. Self-esteem is the foundation of not only personal dignity, but also the quality of life. Do I choose for myself success, happiness, respect and health in this life, or will I prefer secondary roles?

2. Protective. Can a person stand up for himself? Say no? Can you insist on your own? This is the recognition of one's own right to personal boundaries and the ability to defend them.

3. Development. Does a person choose to learn something new, go to their goals, make mistakes, get new experiences, or is he comfortable sitting at home and using little.

Portraits of people with adequate and inadequate self-esteem.

Inadequate self-esteem includes overestimated and underestimated self-esteem.

Low self-esteem is the attitude to oneself as a bad, stupid, and unworthy person, and to other people as good, interesting and significant people.

Signs of low self-esteem:

- Self-criticism. Constant introspection, which is aimed at working on oneself, self-improvement, striving to become better. Lack of approval and self-satisfaction.

- Sensitivity to criticism from other people. Negative reviews from other people, regardless of their relevance and objectivity, are recorded for a long time in the memory of a person and are constantly played by a hackneyed disc in his head, forcing him to correct himself and seek approval from these people.

- Indecision. A person is afraid to do something, to make a mistake, to lose face in the eyes of others, so he chooses not to do anything.

- The desire to please everyone, to meet other people's expectations. And the more disappointed others are in him, the stronger his desire to earn their favor. And as often happens this road to nowhere brings results.

- Idealization of life. A person wears rose-colored glasses, creates his own world in his head, and tries to pull reality under it. It rarely turns out to be something good, it often becomes the basis for constant disappointment.

- Hypertrophied guilt. A person feels guilty for the mistakes of the past, despite the fact that they were quite natural at that age and under those circumstances. But a person collects a large piggy bank of his own failures, concentrates on it, and as a result, this ballast prevents him from moving through life. This often turns into psychosomatic illnesses and trauma, which finally complicate life. A person pays a high price for not loving himself.

- Pessimism. A person makes a negative forecast of the situation in advance, thereby receiving a certain vaccination against possible disappointment.

Inflated self-esteem is an attitude towards oneself as a good, intelligent and worthy person, and towards others as second-class people.

Signs of high self-esteem:

- A bloated ego. A person considers himself special, but this is not supported by anything other than his desire to be so.

- Arrogance and aggression towards others. A person allows himself a commanding tone, caustic remarks, prefers to use others and give nothing in return. Because of this, they have difficulties in building relationships with other people.

- Desire to prove something. Such a person is very easy to take on weak.

- Business failures. Due to the fact that he does not adequately assess the situation, his own resources and makes incorrect calculations, such a person often gets into trouble.

Often, overestimated and underestimated self-esteem is 2 sides of the same coin, because deep down a person feels the deepest disappointment and self-doubt, and shows an arrogant mask to the public.

Adequate self-esteem is an attitude towards yourself as good and towards others as good.

Signs:

- Openness. A person speaks easily about his desires and needs. He is not ashamed of himself. Nothing human is alien to him, therefore he is simple and very attractive. He expresses his thoughts easily and easily. He does not need to use manipulation to force another to do something. He easily builds partnerships with others.

- Objectivity. A person correctly evaluates his potential and the current situation, builds an effective plan and achieves his goals. If he is a friend somewhere miscalculated, he does not sprinkle ashes on his head, but builds a new plan taking into account his mistakes.

How is self-esteem, which is so important in our life, formed?

Parents lay the foundation for self-esteem. A child comes into this world like a blank sheet of paper. He does not know how he treats himself and the world, so he copies the attitude of his parents. If adults assessed him as a good kid who makes quite typical mistakes, learns and gains experience, then the child develops an adequate self-esteem. If the child was constantly scolded, pointed out to him in his place and mistakes, pulled back for business and without work, forbidden to express his thoughts and feelings, then the child will not be confident in himself.

In addition to parents, self-esteem is influenced by classmates, friends, life situation, etc.

Self-esteem lends itself well to adjustment if you reconsider the picture of the world and attitude towards oneself with a competent therapist.