This Is How They Ride The Subway: He Sits, She Stands. The Death Instinct Generation

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Do you want to see our society in reality? Take the subway during rush hour. Although I have not had such a need for a long time, my research part does not allow me to relax and leads me there periodically - "face to life." I observe with interest the behavior of men and women, trying to understand how our society is changing or not changing.

It's no secret that in our transport, seating is mostly occupied by men. Women do not run, or "proudly" standing over "sleeping handsome men", pretend that they do not need it, even it is humiliating for them.

However, then these same women are indignant and even scold those men for such inattention. And again … do not sit down. Moreover, if, God forbid, one of the handsome men "wakes up" suddenly and invites this lady to sit down, she will make such an expression on her face, full of indignation and misunderstanding, that this will be his last attempt to "wake up the man in himself."

No, I will not now blame women for all the troubles of our society. Just once again, as a woman, as a mother, as a specialist, I want to understand what caused such a large number of such “men” and “women” in our transport, and therefore in society. Would you say that a crowded subway car is not the whole of society? Will you say that there are still those who travel or walk on their own transport? If you look closely, the picture is the same there, only the "accuracy" is less.

So, men are sitting in the subway, pretending to be asleep, or that they do not notice a child next to them who breathes to uncles and aunts, sorry, below the waist or an old grandmother bent by a basket of strawberries in half, or a woman in heels with three bags good and a "handbag" weighing five kilograms.

Why are they sitting? Why do they even want to sit, bent over and hiding behind glasses and gadgets, and not stand, bravely straightening their shoulders and helping grandmother to push the basket into a crowded carriage, and helping the woman, smiling politely, to pass? Why? Were they born that way? Obviously not.

They were born as men. The first stage of psychosexual development, which was responsible for their sexual behavior, took place in the mother's stomach. And by the age of seven or eight, they should have formed a sexual consciousness, courage, if you like. And up to the age of thirteen, adults had to help form in this man the appropriate stereotypes, skills of sex-role behavior and masculine character. A father or other significant man was supposed to be an example of a gender role, an ideal of masculinity. Yes, exactly the "model" and "ideal", because boys learn by copying adults, in contrast to the "right-brain" girls who develop by listening to fairy tales, thoughts and instructions. So, if everything described above did not happen, then "we have what we have."

Yes, he was born a man! Chromosomes cannot be fooled. Already between the second and third year of life, this boy began to show aggression, which was natural for his age and his gender (he is also a future protector). However, the "polite and obedient" parents did not like this, to put it mildly, and they, brought up by the same parents, did everything possible so that their child was "brought up no worse than other children" so that they could be "proud" of their son. They constantly compared him to other children, even to his sister, who naturally developed faster and differently. Compared, of course, not in his favor, humiliating and intimidating. They praised him for his successes, and did not inspire him to achieve, constantly repeating "do not get in, do not snap back, be silent, what you understand there, and who you are, I am ashamed of you", etc.

Of course, mom and dad, with complete confidence that they were right and that they were doing only good for their son, controlling his every step, were proud that they were “good parents” and what an “obedient child” they had. But they did not know (because this is not taught in school and university) that in this way they successfully activated in their son the inner forces of self-destruction, the psychic program of self-destruction, the “death instinct”. All natural expectations of a man's future were blocked in development, suppressed and repressed.

Such adult mistakes at best lead to neglect of the natural needs of the child, and at worst - become a source of humiliation and exploitation of the child.

This is only twenty years later, when their son does not want to study, work, marry and forgets the way to them, they may think … And now it is so very convenient - the child is quiet, polite, obedient. Does not interfere, does not ask, does not seek, does not ask, does not reread … A miracle, not a child!

This is how they “ride the subway”: a “tired man” who sits with his eyes closed and a “strong woman” who proudly stands over him with bags. And everyone would seem to be good …

This man is chronically inert, without energy for life, lack of initiative, uncreative, without a sense of humor, but who, at the same time, knows how to patiently curry favor, please his superiors, in order to at least get recognition in this way. And he will not give way to this "woman". His passive aggression is eloquently reflected in his body and face. He tries to be relaxed, but his lowered shoulders betray him, his legs do not hold and his head is frozen.

But, will this "woman" sit down if that "man" politely proposes to her, at least out of guilt? No! She is "strong", she "will achieve everything herself!" It was her when she was two years old, her dad humiliated, saying that she put on makeup like a prostitute. It was she who was shaved like a boy, so as not to fiddle with bows at school. It was her mother who constantly “plowed” the whole family, forgetting to wash her hair and shifting her duties and negative emotions onto her daughter. As a teenager, she was not allowed to date the guy she “loved” because he was “ill-mannered”. This is her gold medal and victories at the Olympiads. She will soon be promoted at work. This is what she achieved herself. She was not given love-care in her childhood, this is her lack of emotional communication …

No. She won't sit down. She won't even look at that "man." She is waiting for a "prince" like her - with achievements, who will pick her up in his arms with these bags and fly with her to a distant kingdom, where he will love her and take care of her. But it is difficult for her to understand that the prince is looking for another. Yes, the prince is looking for an intelligent, but wise, and beautiful woman, but one who, first of all, will respect and love both herself and him, will be calm and joyful. The prince does not want to marry an "emotional canned food", an all-controlling, tense, "independent" victim, which, moreover, depending on the life situation, will instantly turn into an obsessive rescuer or an aggressive attacker.

But worst of all, that tragic moment still comes when she sits down, in response to the proposal of that "man", pitying him, looking into his "sad" eyes. And that's it! The puzzles came together! Now these two victims of parenting will long and selflessly "love" each other. He, who will constantly idealize her, then depreciate her, wanting to find in her a “affectionate mother” who would trust him and who was not in his childhood and she who will constantly “save” and humiliate him, because he will never will become for her a caring "protective father", which she did not have.

The worst thing in this situation is that this couple will be "ideal" for a long time. Their core values will converge like a pair of boots.

He will constantly complain about life, but will be attached to a "bad" wife, while simultaneously expressing indignation and a desire for revenge (aggression, deception, betrayal, etc.). She will endure and tell her friends that "they are fine", breaking down on children and looking for consolation in work, volunteering, etc.

They will grow together, stick together like two broken trees in this codependent relationship.

They will both endure and be silent, because no one taught them to understand their emotions and feelings and talk about it. In the end, their expectations will naturally fail. Constant complaints and accusations will become unbearable. But it's too late: two children, a mortgage, parents are sick … How to live further?

No, it's not too late! It's never too late to finally grow up. Understand your role as men or as women. It is never too late to understand that you cannot return childhood, that you cannot change the past, that life is beautiful today. It's not too late. If you really want it. It is worth finding a professional who can help rebuild your childhood traumas, recognize and cope with your anger, fears and resentments. It won't be easy. But is it easy now? You have children growing up. What will happen to them?

Remember the Ukrainian proverb: “You can beat a child while she is lying across the bed”? You can't beat, of course. But physical punishment before the age of two does not have such disastrous consequences for the child's psyche, which it will have after the child's self-awareness is formed. So, after the child said "I myself" - your child becomes independent and "hitting" will no longer help. You need to listen to him even more, and then even more, and even more …

Remember one more saying: “Little kids - little trouble?” Yes, the older the child, the more attention he requires, not control, but attention and support until his psyche reaches maturity.

You need to be attentive and patient, reflect the child's desire and respect the little person. If parents, teaching a child to potty at the age of two, manage to survive the first experience of socialization of the child gently, without traumatic experiences for the child, without fear, conflicts of will and shame, then other socially significant behavioral stereotypes will be formed correctly in the future.

Yes, yes, your child is already independent at two years old! A two-year-old child is already able to foresee the consequences of his actions and knows very well that if he says “I myself” the next time, the mother or father will again humiliate him by using force. And it will hurt again. He already understands that the best way out is to fulfill the wishes of dad and mom and not resist. Then they will love him. Although his self-consciousness is already being formed and he wants to resist …

You don't need to be a superpsychologist here to understand that this Ego must go somewhere. And the psychological mechanisms and protection, respectively, will do their job, displacing unrealized aggression, which will block the body, psyche, feelings, body. Your already adult child will have constant pain in his legs, his back and neck will become unbending. He is tormented by colds, coughs, gastritis, diarrhea and headaches, sexual dysfunctions. Do you want that?

Your child, most often unconsciously, will retain the memory of how his will was broken and will remember that in spite of this, he survived. This applies to both boys and girls. The child will have a subconscious desire to resist those defeats and to establish himself and take revenge: "I will not be angry, I will take revenge later." But revenge all fails. The illusion of revenge disappears. And already an adult begins to self-destruct, or finds joy in his own defeats and rejects the very idea of any attempts to change his position as a victim. It is easy and calm for him to be unhappy, without work, without housing, without a family, because everyone pity you, and some even help and no responsibility either for themselves or for others.

For a long time in Eastern cultures, a man, not a mother, was involved in raising a boy who reached the age of two. The task of a mother from this age is the same - to give love-support and love-understanding. A mentally healthy significant man and a mentally healthy significant woman must be next to the child, only then the socialization of a boy or girl will take place in a balanced way. Yes, it is difficult, almost impossible, because divorce is in vogue now, but no one teaches how to create a happy family, how to maintain a relationship, how to raise children. Is there, for example, the subject of emotional literacy in school? No, the main thing is: "If you don't know Ohm's law, stay at home."

Therefore, we have such a picture both in transport and in society: “men” with an active “self-destruction program” are sitting with their eyes closed and women are standing over them with the same program, which one psychologist called “anti-sleep” (meaning “no one is with her sleeps "). Nobody perceives her as a woman. Because she is focused on achievements, not noticing her emotions and desires, because it was for her successes ("at any cost") that she was praised in childhood, for which she was loved and set as an example for her brother. This is how she gets love. And no one perceives him as a man. Because he, subconsciously enjoying the position of the victim, is focused on revenge on everyone who humiliated and dishonored him, or on everyone who "looks" like his offenders.

This is how they go … This is how they live …

Parents! Stop! Don't rush to build a "happy Ukraine". Start with yourself, with your family. Help your children. Build happiness in your heart, in your home, then Ukraine will become better.

It is still worth looking for a psychologist or psychotherapist who will help you get rid of the mental program of self-destruction of the "death instinct" and will be able to restore your "life instinct", your sexual instinct.

Books that inspired:

1. Pezeshkian Nosrat "Psychotherapy of everyday life: conflict resolution training"
2. Steven M. Johnson "Character Psychotherapy"
3. Freud Sigmund "We and Death"