2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Self-esteem has long been a popular topic in psychology. Meanwhile, self-esteem (self-worth, self-awareness, self-perception) is not a particular parameter of the psyche, but the starting point of all life manifestations and claims. Self-esteem is dynamic, changing with the development of a person - it suffers from the accumulated feeling of shame and rises as pride is gained.
Excessive shame, which is called toxic, this feeling of oneself is much worse than other people - "an ugly duckling", "an unknown animal", "not of our kind-tribe." It is formed when early childhood is overwhelmed by shameful glances or derogatory words from significant people. Remember the words you heard many years ago that still hurt. Calling ourselves, we use words that we were afraid to hear or heard in our address. Looking at ourselves in the mirror disapprovingly, we look with a critical gaze that belongs to the father or mother. Puberty with the emergence of secondary sexual characteristics brings new additional reasons to be ashamed. During this period, the idea of being no worse than others dominates in the mind of a teenager.
Excessive shame, regardless of age, is experienced as "I am small and weak, and they are big and strong." Shame causes the desire to become invisible, sink into the ground, burn out or die of shame. Anything to avoid. The direct experience of shame is extremely painful and therefore it appears in a veiled form under the guise of guilt, fanaticism, perfectionism, arrogance, shamelessness, understated claims or desire for power, overweight, alcoholism and other addictions. On closer examination at the bottom of these very different and numerous states, shame is revealed.
The opposite of shame is not shamelessness, but pride in real achievement. Normal moderate shame fulfills a socializing function and makes us people - “shame distinguishes a person from an animal” (Vladimir Soloviev). Shame motivates education, development, skill, achievement, success, and respect. Through these efforts, the energy of shame engenders realistic pride and normal self-esteem. Yes, shame is an uncomfortable feeling, but it makes us more human, more sensitive, more attentive to others and more delicate in communication. Knowing our vulnerability, we refrain from humiliating another person.
Excessive shame disconnects, and moderate shame connects people. A close person is one who accepts us entirely, along with imperfection. He knows what is hidden from others and at the same time does not turn away, does not leave, does not leave alone alone with his shame.
“Do not ask, do not beg me, my lovely lady, beloved beauty, to show you my disgusting face, my ugly body. You have become accustomed to my voice; we live with you in friendship, harmony, with each other, honor, we are not parting, and you love me for my unspeakable love for you, and when you see me, terrible and disgusting, you will hate me, unfortunate, you will drive me out of sight, and apart from you I will die of longing”(The Scarlet Flower).
Since shame is associated with exposure of the intimate, we devote a lot of energy to being dressed in the presence of other people and choosing appropriate clothes. Psychological clothing - "social skin" is a normal self-esteem, which is formed from childhood and then we gain by our work. Even self-sufficient people need praise and positive feedback from people he respects. Even in the schizoid psyche of a person closed in himself, there remains a need for a response from another living being. The one who has lost shame becomes a horror for those around him, but sociopaths without shame, once in childhood, were also ashamed.
To overcome excessive shame, you need to understand that this emotion is inherent in all people. We inherit shame from Adam and Eve, expelled from Paradise, and now we do not live in Paradise - we have self-awareness and are familiar with shame. In the pictures that reflect the biblical story, Adam and Eve hide not the genitals, but the eyes, so as not to see the one who is looking at them. It is unbearable for a self-aware person to endure a heavy, shameful look. And this is not a biblical story, but ours today. Self-awareness is accompanied by shame, self-awareness and shame go together, and only in the unconscious existence there is no shame.
Millions of people use psychological defenses to avoid being exposed to shame. Even in psychology and psychotherapy, techniques and workarounds are used that lead away from shame. Good psychological help balances on the verge of not shaming and not hiding shame.
Hiding shame consumes vital energy resources and a lifetime. The hiding shame makes mistakes that he and others suffer from. But no matter how much you run away from shame, the meeting is inevitable. At a later age, he will manifest himself as quarrelsomeness and nagging towards others, sometimes in the behavior of children or grandchildren, when the person himself no longer understands that his own shame has returned.
Low and high self-esteem means that the person does not have adequate measures against shame and there is no loved one with whom you can safely share secrets. With low self-esteem, a person is habitually suppressed by shame, and in the case of an overestimated self-esteem, he jumps in shame like a cockerel in a frying pan. People who are familiar with shame and overcome it, as a result, gain normal self-esteem, self-respect and are satisfied that they are ordinary people. W. Yoffe and J. Sandler (1967) linked low self-esteem with narcissism and wrote that "a person with high self-esteem also respects others, while those with low self-esteem are more interested in themselves." Today, narcissistic disorders and the problem of shame are firmly linked together and such unattractive manifestations of narcissism as complacency, a tendency to manipulativeness, excessive self-presentation, and outbursts of anger are explained by the presence of deep unexpressed shame.
The transition from excessive shame to normal and self-esteem correction requires both personal achievements and the presence of at least one or two loving people nearby who accept you completely. Children's wounds of excessive shame are healed in regression, through a benevolent voice and a supportive gaze - through a person who can hear and see without judgment, a person who takes the position of a loving parent. It is good if there is such a person in your environment, and if not, a psychologist can take over his functions. If there is no psychologist and loving person, then there must be at least a dog, a cat that needs you … - “It’s not good for a man to be alone” (F. Dostoevsky).
Recommend on the topic
Watch:
"Ascent", 1976. Director: L. Shepitko. USSR.
Scarface, 1983. Director: B. De Palma. USA
Lord of the Tides, 1991. Director: B. Streisand. USA
Melissa: An Intimate Diary, 2005. Director: L. Guadagnino. Italy, Spain
"Sixteen Years of a Hangover", 2003. Director: R. Jobson. Great Britain
"Along the contour of the face", 2008. Director: P. Smirnov. Russia
"Illumination", 2009. Director: R. Gritskova. Belarus
"Shame", 2011. Director: S. McQueen. Great Britain
"Intimate Places", 2013. Director: N. Merkulova, A. Chupov. Russia
"Geographer's Globe Prescribed", 2013. Director: A. Veledinsky. Russia
To read:
The Ugly Duckling (G. Andersen)
"Demons", "The Brothers Karamazov", "Crime and Punishment", "Bobok" (F. Dostoevsky)
"Comb your hair a hundred times before bedtime" (M. Panarello)
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