THERAPEUTIC MEETING

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The real driver of change is the therapeutic relationship

(Yalom)

The emergence of a "human" relationship between the therapist and the client indicates the emergence of an attachment between them. Attachment is an important prerequisite for psychotherapy. This idea sounded differently in various psychotherapeutic directions: "interpersonal laboratory" (psychoanalysis), "Meeting psychotherapy" (humanistic direction), contact (gestalt therapy), etc.

A beautiful illustration of the psychotherapeutic encounter with the appearance of attachment is the episode of the relationship between the Little Prince and the fox in the story "The Little Prince" by Antoine Exupery.

The little prince, abandoned on an alien planet, is lonely and confused. And then the Fox appeared in his life. This meeting is the most important meeting in all history. The little prince, who experienced misunderstanding and disappointment in his relationship with the rose, before that met only dependent and obsessed people, finally gets to know the Other, who carefully enters into a relationship.

“- Play with me, - asked the little prince. - I'm so sad…

“I can't play with you,” said the Fox. - I am not tamed …

- And how is it - to tame?..

“It's a long forgotten concept,” explained the Fox. - It means: create bonds.

- Bonds?

“Exactly,” said the Fox. You are still just a little boy to me, just like a hundred thousand other boys. And I don't need you. And you don't need me either. I am just a fox to you, just like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, we will need each other …"

This description, in our opinion, is the most accurate and detailed illustration of the beginning of a therapeutic relationship. Ideas of technologization of all processes today are rapidly penetrating into psychotherapy. How can depression be treated? What are the best techniques to use with shy children? How to work more effectively with codependents? But it is impossible to fix a broken thing by breaking it down into even smaller parts. It is impossible to help a person suffering from an unsatisfying relationship by ignoring the actual interaction with the therapist. That is why, in order for therapy to be successful, it is necessary first to create a relationship of trust. And this takes time, sometimes quite long.

Lees' idea of "creating bonds" associated with testing security, with slow contact, with the ability to approach and withdraw, is very consonant with the concept of "good form" relationships in gestalt therapy. Unlike addiction, attachment relationships involve freedom of approach and distance. At the same time, when approaching, you do not feel the fear of being absorbed, but, moving away (separating?), You do not experience excruciating guilt and horror of loneliness … Therefore, many people find a response from the words of the Fox that you can only learn those things that you tame - that is those things to which you are truly attached. However, “people do not have enough time to learn anything. They buy clothes ready-made in stores. But there are no shops where they trade with friends, and people no longer have friends."

The relationship offered to the Little Fox Prince illustrates how the therapist-client relationship emerges and develops.

“- If you want you to have a friend, tame me!

- And what should be done for this? - asked the little prince.

“We need to be patient,” replied the Fox. - First, sit over there, at a distance … I will glance at you askance … But every day sit a little closer … It is better to come always at the same hour … For example, if you come at four o'clock, I will feel myself happy … At four o'clock I will already begin to worry and worry. I will find out the price of happiness! And if you come every time at a different time, I do not know for what time to prepare your heart … You need to observe the rituals."

Compliance with the setting is an essential part of therapy. The client must come to the therapist on “his” day, at “his” time. Failure to comply with the time limits of the therapeutic process is destructive both for fragile, just beginning to form, and for already long-standing relationships. The therapist's postponement of therapy sessions, his delays are unacceptable, since they have a destructive effect on the therapy process. However, if the therapist remains stable and adheres to the agreement, then all the client's non-verbal signals (lateness, rescheduling, canceled sessions) can be analyzed as messages that the client is difficult to deal with directly. Long-term therapy allows you to "interiorize the therapist", due to which the client gains greater stability, begins to value relationships and time, and also learns to express his aggression in words rather than actions.

Let's go back to the story. The little prince passed the test with honor. He came every day to meet with the Fox and sat a little closer. Slowly and gradually, he tamed the Fox. This new experience changed his life. It is the acquisition of the experience of attachment that allows you to realize that “your rose is the only one in the world,” it is unique for you, because it is yours.

Parting, the little prince learned an important secret from the Fox: only one heart is sharp-sighted. “You cannot see the most important thing with your eyes” … This is very consonant with the idea of psychotherapists of various directions about the importance of feelings, emotions and experiences for understanding oneself and others. And even the exaggerated thesis “you are forever responsible for everyone you have tamed” sounds like a message about the importance of human relationships, intimacy, friendship and love as opposed to relationships of dependence (me and you are one whole), counterdependence (you and me are opposites) and independence (I am me, you are you). However, only interdependence, according to M. Mahler, allows a person to acquire the ability to move freely between the poles of proximity and remoteness, without experiencing discomfort. The little prince receives as a gift from the Fox "good shape" - the idea of interdependence, which implies the ability to be yourself and be with another, freely moving between the poles of the continuum and without feeling guilt, fear, shame, pain and disappointment.

A person as a person is formed through his relationships with other people. He knows himself as an individual through another. … The meeting with the Fox gave the Little Prince the opportunity to get to know himself better and see the Other, taught him to build and maintain relationships, despite the difficulties, misunderstandings and resentments that arise in them.

At parting, the Fox says to the Little Prince: “This is my secret, it is very simple: only the heart is sharp-sighted. You cannot see the most important thing with your eyes. " In psychotherapy, this thesis is realized through attention to the feelings and experiences of the client. "What's going on with you?", "What are you feeling now?", "What's wrong with you?" - these are the usual questions of the therapist. If the client has long forgotten how to experience feelings, psychotherapy helps to restore them through a slow, painstaking joint study of all the hidden corners of his soul.