2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Have you ever accused a person of insincerity?
The mistake of most of us is that, due to rationalistic tendencies in modern society, we rely too much on spoken or written words (email, vibe, sms), ignoring the sensations accompanying listening or reading.
In a rationalistic society (which is based on our modern day), the emphasis is on facts. Words are much easier than intuition to be perceived as indisputable facts - they are also easier to operate with in an attempt to prove your case.
However, words are a shaky foundation. Have you ever noticed how we all contradict ourselves? For example, a person might talk about how they think positively and not judge other people's behavior. After a minute of conversation, the same person vehemently criticizes a colleague or politician for allegedly behaving inappropriately.
Such contradictions are quite common in interpersonal relationships. For example, a guy can reassure a girl of his loyalty and at the same time continue to do things that do not agree with the words.
From the examples described above, it can be concluded that although words have an objectively observable physical form (sound = wave), they cannot be the background for making up the impression of what a person is actually experiencing. In other words, the speech patterns we choose in most cases are aimed at maintaining a certain social role or to achieve something from another person, and cannot be interpreted as the only direct way to discover the true feelings of the interlocutor.
So how do you learn to recognize what a person is really trying to say? Yes, we already know how to do it!
It is interesting that when we enter into a dialogue with a person, we always subconsciously feel what wave he is on. If a person is annoyed, we can easily “remove” it. If he is sincerely happy, his happiness will be infectious for us, and at the end of the conversation, we can note that we ourselves seemed to be “recharged” from a well-minded, joyful person.
Micromimics play an important role in this reading of true emotions. When the researchers documented people's facial expressions during communication and then slowed down the video, they noticed that when they heard news in the earpiece that caused excitement, fear, glee, etc., people's faces changed for a microsecond, and then returned to the previous expression. It is also curious that the subjects' interlocutors noted a change in the mood of the other person and could accurately report in which direction the mood had changed.
Another example: most of us easily identify commercial manipulations: for example, phone sales or luring on the street. Interestingly, overly intrusive and flashy manipulative behavior of advertisers often has the opposite effect - but more on that in another post.
Gestures, intonations, body position during a conversation - all this can bring additional clarity to communication. We understand many gestures intuitively, without delving into a detailed study of them. If you are interested in understanding yourself and others more, check out TED talks for information.
In everyday life, we clearly underestimate the human ability to read the minds and attitudes of other people towards ourselves or the current situation. Interestingly, although we hear an inner bell when others try to manipulate us, we still believe that our own attempts at manipulation go unnoticed. We rejoice when, thanks to our resourcefulness, we can convince other people to do what benefits us. By underestimating the human ability to perceive non-verbal signs, with a positive outcome of the conversation for us, we can maximum hope that the interlocutor showed diplomacy when communicating with us or decided to rely on words as facts contrary to his intuition. In the case of the latter, as we have already seen above, the foundation of our cooperation will be shaky, and it will hardly be possible to build a stable structure on it.
The next time you chat with a friend, your beloved woman or your beloved man, colleague or bystander, pay attention to what the person is really trying to convey to you. This can be turned into an exciting educational game for the mind called “Translator”: while listening to the words of another person, try to mentally discover for what purpose he is pronouncing these words and what feeling is actually driving him.
At the same time, it must be added that it is not at all necessary to incriminate a person in a contradictory way of thinking. When clarifying controversial points, they must be pronounced carefully, guided by the desire to clarify the issue, and not assert their superiority. It is possible and necessary to bring real motivation to the surface in a friendly way, with care and love. This practice will help each side become more aware and deal with their feelings.
We all contradict ourselves at certain points in life, so an attempt to catch another person on a hot one will be an equally contradictory act on our part, provided that it is based on a desire to strengthen its importance. Such is the recursion!
A deliberate approach to our own words can bear fruit. Noticing how our words go against what we actually feel and are trying to convey to the interlocutor, we will develop our communication skills in such a way as to express ourselves as openly as possible without hurting other people. When a person practically does what he says and says what he thinks, guided by kindness and care in relation to the people around him, the sense of his personality becomes more holistic. Harmony between thoughts, words and actions is a worthy goal and a fundamental step towards achieving happiness.
It is worth adding that trusting intuitive, non-verbal perception requires moral courage. Trying to “chatter” intuitive feelings with words is a defense mechanism of the mind. Our biases encourage us to interpret words in a certain way that is consistent with our point of view and fits into our picture of the world, and to remember information selectively. The sixth sense, or intuitive perception, can tell us much more about our relationship than we are willing to hear.
Lilia Cardenas, psychologist, bioenergetic, psycholinguist
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