2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Snow-white smiles sparkling from TV screens and billboards belong to four characters - a mother close to perfection, a smart dad and two well-groomed babies. A polished doggie yet. In an embrace, under a designer Christmas tree, the family promises something wonderful - a chicken, microscopic loan rates, almost free apartments in new buildings, tablets for comfortable digestion of Olivier and apple juice, which radically changes life.
They move gracefully, carefully look into each other's eyes and joke politely. They have it there clean, comfortable, peaceful, prepared. Happy New Year!
Is your family also on New Year's holidays?
Didn't you go to the Alps or colorful Thailand this year?
Then, perhaps, the next option is closer to you.
All the rhymes about the snowflake were told, half-year tests were written, corporate karaoke songs were sung, Santa Clauses danced, the Snow Maidens changed. Everything. We're home. Now we celebrate in a family way.
Frying, boiling, slicing. Christmas tree. We didn't buy the garland! Cutting, cleaning, market. They forgot a gift to my grandmother! Shop, white shirt, manicure. Mushrooms from the basement should be brought. Slicing. Duck, apples, peel herring. "Lena! Chka … Don't rock the tree. Santa Claus hasn't brought any presents yet. Please, baby! " Still tinsel on the window. Come on, the curtain is unclean, I'll wash the third. No strength … Cutting, cutting … Well, where is it with mushrooms with these? He thought about - fishing the second. And what am I … Between the children and the kitchen, as usual. As if I'm not supposed to rest. Okay, then that's all … And now the slicing. We must smile, we still celebrate the New Year with our family. Aah! Finger! Tired…
In the next shot, a feast accompanied by the chimes and hopes for the best in congratulatory toasts. The desperate optimist will swallow his burnt desire along with the champagne. Calls to mums and close friends. Flappers, laughter, memories and clicking of channels. Tired eyes and "unfairly" sent to bed children. And in the morning their bare feet will stick out from under the tree, parents will be awakened by the rustling of gifts to the exclamations of delight. The apartment is saturated with the persistent smell of a holiday, remnants of drinks on a somehow tidied table and morning staleness in the stomach. Happy New Year!
Celebrated. In the future, the concentrate is called "Family New Year Holidays". This is what the state commands.
What opportunities are revealed during this period. The most seductive one is that you can legally not go to work and, as a bonus, get enough sleep! Don't do your homework yet. Slow down the wheel of the everyday race. Meet friends with whom you only get it once a year. Enjoy gifts. Leave the car in the yard for a couple of days and take a walk, slowly arm in arm with his wife and kids.
It would seem that everything is so sweet and calm, almost like that of the family that smiles from the screen.
Then where does this fact come from:
STATISTICS AFTER NEW YEAR HOLIDAYS THE NUMBER OF DIVORCIES INCREASES ALMOST BY THIRD
Reality spreads between advertising and real pictures. Not bad or good, but just the way it is. As a family psychologist, I observe her from year to year in consultations with couples. The entry in my work pad is getting denser after the winter break. Requests and causes of conflicts are repeated.
In addition to the clearly positive aspects, what can still be seen in the festive reality.
- For a woman, the density of being in the kitchen becomes irregular - long. It is tiresome.
- Guests to visit us and vice versa. A lot, often. Mother-in-law, mother-in-law, sister with three screaming children, grandfather, wife's friend with a new man, neighbor at the dacha, colleague (because he invited him to christening), Igoryok giggling until nightfall. Some have to endure.
- Weak alternative, especially nowhere to go, the whole country is resting. And if the weather is disappointing …
- Children require a lot of attention and entertainment. And this is not always connected with the rest of the parents.
- The family budget is melting inexorably.
To summarize, it’s not very easy to relax.
This reality can cause additional stress and will soon sound quietly, through clenched teeth: "Hurry to work …"
Family New Year's holidays I call "concentrate", because a family or a couple finds themselves in a forced proximity geographically and psychologically … What I mean. The relationship between a man and a woman is fluid. They undergo stages in which partners can draw closer or move away from each other. This is a normal process that works to maintain love, affection, and a sense of value for each other. And, perhaps, right now the spouses are in that period when they are not ready to be close. And it seems like there is nowhere to go … Personal boundaries have to move, endure something and at the same time try to rejoice, well, how is it - New Year after all! The person finds himself in a festive cognitive dissonance. Nervousness increases. Petty quarrels and conflicts flare up like sparklers.
Strong relationships are those in which a couple spends no more than 10% of their time together (except for sleep, of course). Therefore, for many people, family breakfast, evening conversation, and cultural weekend activities are comfortable ways to maintain a stable family union.
Too close interaction between spouses highlights problem areas in the relationship, like an X-ray. And it will burst where it was pulled.
What reasons can spoil your vacation and what can be done to maintain a good relationship:
1. Illusion, and then - disappointment … The human need for a fairy tale is ineradicable. New Year's Eve symbolizes the transition from a past life to a new - better one. And I want the same as in childhood: wake up in the morning, and under the Christmas tree - a dream in a bright box! All bad things have become last year. Now it will definitely be different. And if January 1 fell on Monday, magic changes simply do not have a chance not to come! But a couple of days pass, and the fairy tale has not come to the house … You are all in the same apartment, with the same people and the same set of responsibilities. And the husband did not turn back into a prince (or at least into Santa Claus). The pre-New Year's festive bustle did not warn about this.
What to do?Be real. Do not invent a fairy tale for yourself. The changes that you have planned will definitely come, but it looks like this will take some work and wait a bit.
2. Inconsistency in the actions of the spouses … The husband got ready to go fishing and to the bathhouse, somehow casually dropping this news at the New Year's table. Or, a month before, the spouse agreed with the girls to "sit as girls" with an overnight stay, deciding that it would be a surprise for her husband. And if these events crossed themselves in one day, then the conflict cannot be avoided. Didn't agree …
What to do?About fishing, girlfriends and other ways to relax outside the family, agree in advance, even before the weekend. Up to the schedule - on what days who leaves where, with whom the children will stay. And ask your other half how she feels about your choice.
3. Ignoring the interests of someone from family members … "I have a weekend, I want to rest." This desire rightfully belongs to everyone. "Well, I'm pushing you more!" or “That's it, don't touch me today, I'm going to dance” or “Today and tomorrow you are with the children, because I’m with them all day” - does not work here. A dense family context is a work for two.
One of the spouses can actively promote the New Year traditions of their parental family, which can become the subject of dissatisfaction and resistance of the other.
What to do? A little work - a little rest. Distribute responsibilities. There is nothing wrong with the fact that the spouse will play for a couple of hours, provided that then go to the rink with the children. And traditions, perhaps, should be revised in order to relieve yourself of unnecessary stress. What was good for a young grandmother in the fifties of the last century does not work very well for your family anymore. Like a pot-bellied casement cabinet with a sagging door that does not fit between a home theater system and a stylish armory.
4. That same forced proximity, territorial and psychological … If you are now in this particular period of relationship, then there is only one recommendation - let go of each other and respect your partner's personal boundaries. And the most useful thing would be to openly discuss your condition, while emphasizing the value and importance of a loved one: “I love you, I really need you, but! Now I have a need to take time for myself, to be alone."
5. Don't forget about our body … Failure in diet and sleep, albeit small, but frequent doses of alcohol - shake not only the digestive system, but also the nervous system.
What to do? I can't be original here. Monitor the amount of food and drink you eat. And re-read about traditions again, this is in the third paragraph.
It is pleasant to spend time, you can and should admire not only the tree, but also each other. All in your hands. Dilute the concentrate! Get out of the house to the street as often as possible. Just. Without food, drinks, and this - "let's walk to the guests." Take family walks, go to places you haven't been to, snap funny photos and make toys for the tree out of them. But you never know what else you can think of instead of quarrels and conflicts in such an elegant time.
Happy new year friends! I wish you to live your reality harmoniously, to be in harmony with personal boundaries and with loved ones.
Alina Adler / family psychologist /
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