2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
“Mother never tired of explaining to Teresa that being a mother meant sacrificing everything. Her words sounded convincing, for behind them was the experience of a woman who had lost everything for her child. Teresa listened and believed that the greatest value in life is motherhood and that at the same time it is a great sacrifice. If motherhood is an embodied Sacrifice, then the daughter's lot is to personify the Guilt that can never be redeemed.”© M. Kundera The Unbearable Lightness of Being
Sometimes I ask clients what kind of relationship they have with their mother, how she showed her love for them.
In response, I hear “She devoted her whole life to her children”, “She sacrificed herself and everything for us”, “I / We are the meaning of life for her, she lives for us”.
At such moments, I feel a stone slab falling on my shoulders.
Do not straighten up under its weight, do not raise your head, do not inhale.
I only look at the floor.
I see nothing, feel nothing but anxiety.
My body is tense.
The whole raison d'être is to keep this slab, to keep it safe and sound.
It is the life of a mother.
Women who find meaning only in children shift responsibility for their own lives onto them. A child who is born to develop, learn about the world, become a separate and autonomous person becomes a hostage of mother's love.
He has an unbearable burden - to make his mother happy, so that she will never regret having given birth to him and dedicated her life to him.
He owes her.
For breathing.
And there is no end to this debt, because what can be compared with the value of life ?!
Such people are, and they are not.
They are insensitive to themselves, afraid to express their emotions, desires, do not dare to want something and openly present it to the world.
In the depths of their souls there is a black hole of loneliness, which can only be filled by another person.
And when something goes “wrong,” they immediately remember their endless guilt and worthlessness.
They are so sure that they are not valuable in themselves, but only as the meaning of another person's life.
They were deprived of the opportunity to choose their life so that the Other would survive, not fall into the void of his own soul.
Recovering yourself is to destroy the life-defining belief in a duty for life.
In essence, to collapse and be reborn for yourself, your own desires and choices.
And you can feel deep gratitude towards your parents, which does not commit to anything, and that will be enough.
NS
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