A Triangulated Child Is A Triangulated Adult. Realize And Break Free

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

"Dear parents, we love and appreciate you very much, but let us decide for ourselves how we live, how to raise children, how to manage money, how to quarrel and make peace - we will agree on all this ourselves, without your participation." How often have we wanted to say such words? And which of us could tell them? Or, perhaps, someone did not want to speak, but was ready to heed parental orders?

All this is about the outer boundaries of your union. Such a boundary contributes to the fact that external forces cannot interfere in the relationship of the spouses. And if such an opportunity exists, and it is successful, then your border is flawed. It speaks of a lack of separation, emotional separation, one of you, or both, from your parental family. Indeed, for the healthy functioning of your family system, your bond as spouses must be stronger than your bonds with your own parents. The systemic law does not tolerate outside interference: if your bond with your parents remains stronger and richer, then the marital bond will become thinner, up to the threat of rupture.

It is also necessary, by all means, to observe the tangible boundary between you as a couple and children, if any. If a child "serves" the needs of an adult, then he has no opportunity to go through the prescribed stages of mental development. A child who is strongly involved in the relationship between father and mother, growing up, will not be able to go through the breakdown of emotional ties with parents without trauma, and, as a result, will carry these problems into his own family.

Here is such a vicious circle. Let's try to figure out why this is happening.

One of the most prominent systemic family psychotherapists of the twentieth century - the American psychiatrist - Murray Bowen - devoted his entire life to the study of human behavior and considered a person in the context of his entire life. Murray Bowen went against the tendency to consider all aspects of human behavior based only on Freud's theory, and, thanks to his research, a new psychological theory appeared - the theory of family systems, which focuses on the emotional functioning of the family, while the classical systems approach considers information and communication features of functioning families.

Murray Bowen's theory includes 8 concepts:

1. The concept of differentiation of the Self describes the emotional and intellectual systems of a person, the concepts of differentiation are introduced, the pseudo I (a false I, subject to outside influences, having no beliefs and principles, striving to meet expectations) and a solid, true I (little subject to external influences, determined by values, principles and internal ethics), and also describes the scale of differentiation.
2. The concept of triangulation describes an emotional process between two people or groups leading, in a situation of heightened anxiety, to a tendency to involve a third person. The goal of engagement is to reduce anxiety in the social system.
3. The concept of emotional processes in the nuclear family describes patterns of emotional interaction in the family at the level of one generation. People in the family are in a relationship of interdependence with each other, and respond to minimal changes in the balance of the relationship. Emotional responses are usually automatic and not always conscious. The degree and method of the spouses' emotional reaction is determined by the level of differentiation of I.
4. The concept of projective processes in the family describes the process by which parental undifferentiation harms and worsens the condition of one or more children. The triangulated child is the one on whom the projective process is most focused. He is most of all involved in the processes of parental relationships, he is too focused on them to the detriment of solving the problem - building his own identity. As a result, he is least able to adapt to life and, as a result, has a lower level of self differentiation compared to siblings.
5. The concept of multi-generational transmission is one of the most important concepts of Bowen's theoretical system and describes the projective process in the family through many generations. The process by which parents pass on different levels of undifferentiation to their children. The basic modes of relations between mother, father and child reproduce the ways of past generations and will be reproduced in subsequent ones. Thus, we all carry a certain "baggage" out of parental families.
6. The concept of emotional breakdown describes a pattern that determines how people handle their unfinished emotional attachments. It is worth noting that the most common case of emotional breakup is associated with the inability to meet expectations.
7. The concept of sibling position describes the correlation between basic personality characteristics and sibling position, that is, the birth order of children in a family. The emotional system of any family generates specific functions. When one person performs certain functions, then other members of the family system will not perform them. Thanks to being born in a specific sibling position, a person assumes those functions that are associated with this position. For example, a mature, well-developed older brother easily assumes the functions of a leader and responsibility, but does not try to interfere in the affairs of other people, suppress them. In contrast, an immature older brother may be dogmatic and domineering, unable to respect the rights of others. In such cases, he may have a younger brother who in reality becomes a "functional" older brother. This "functional" older child has more characteristics of the elder (brother or sister) than the older child.
8. The concept of social regression says that emotional problems in society are similar to emotional problems in the family. In society, as well as in the family, there are periods of increased anxiety. In society, there are the same mechanisms for reducing anxiety as in the family, for example, through fusion, unification, conformism, and then totalitarianism. The longer and stronger the presence of anxiety in society, the more clearly there is a social regression - an analogue of a low level of differentiation in the family.

I note that M. Bowen's theory contains several important axioms:

• When getting married, people unconsciously choose a partner with a similar level of self differentiation.
• Parents include (triangulate) one child in their relationship to compensate for personal anxiety accumulated in the marital relationship or in other areas.
• A child triangulated in parental relationships does not reach the level of differentiation of his parents.
• A child (children) who are less involved in emotional processes can form the same level of differentiation as that of parents, and even higher.

Thus, in most families that seem to be prosperous, we can, with varying frequency, observe the process of transferring the level of differentiation of the I from parent to child, i.e. transmission of problems to the child as a means of reducing family anxiety. However, for the purposes of this article, we will focus on cases where the emotional involvement of the child reaches the highest level of merger, which entails mandatory problems in the future for all family members.

Usually one of the children in the family becomes the main object of the projective process (triangulated child). It can be an older or younger child, a "special child", an only child, a particularly sickly child, or a child with congenital physical or psychological abnormalities.

Emotional fusion of one parent (more often a mother) and a child can take place without pronounced symptoms in a child until adolescence. Outwardly, we can see an over-caring mother and a child without initiative. The mother knows when and what the child wants to eat, with whom to be friends, what to wear, etc. During puberty, the child, as a rule, tries to escape from the care of the parents, further increasing their anxiety, and, accordingly, caring for themselves.

In cases of episodic stressful situations in a child associated with emotional difficulties or physical health, the parents have the opportunity to channel their anxiety accumulated in other life situations to the child. Thus, caring for a child becomes a great tool and way to avoid other problems. Another example is the appearance of symptomatic behavior in a child with an increase in tension in the parental dyad.

The triangulated child, as the main object of the projective process in the family, becomes a hostage to the emotional well-being of the parents. Therefore, he develops a lower level of self differentiation than his parents. The rest of the children in the family, less involved in emotional processes, can form the same level of differentiation as that of their parents, and even higher.

The lower the level of differentiation of the parents' I, the higher their emotional attachment to the child, and the more difficult the period of separation is for him. And, as a consequence, a low level of self differentiation is formed in a teenager and more pronounced negative consequences of an emotional break with parents. Most often, the trauma of emotional breakdown can form during puberty - this is the time of separation of the teenager from their parents. The parents' desire to maintain control and the adolescent's desire for independence is the basis for emotional confrontation. The adolescent's claims to parents and the intensity of denial of emotional ties is a fairly accurate indicator of the degree of incompleteness of emotional ties with parents. And unfinished emotional attachments and unsettled relationships with parents can be a traumatic moment that affects a person's behavior, his attitude to himself and to other people.

When a person who has a lower level of self differentiation than his parents marries a partner of the same level, then in this marriage a child will grow up with an even lower level of self differentiation, whose spouse will have the same level as him, and this marriage will give a descendant with an even lower level of self differentiation. So from generation to generation this process will give ever lower levels of self differentiation. According to this theory, as a result of such a process, the most severe emotional problems can arise, such as, for example, a severe nuclear schizophrenia. Of course, along with offspring with a lower indicator on the scale of differentiation, children also grow up with the same and higher indicators of the level of differentiation of the I, provided they are least involved in emotional family processes.

When thinking about the above, some disturbing observations arise. More and more families have only one child, and even in families with several children, there is a big age difference between them. If the child is alone, then, according to Bowen, he will certainly be drawn into the relationship of the parents. In a situation of a large age difference between children, each of them, sequentially, can be triangulated into parental relationships, and the level of their differentiation, I, will be lower than that of their parents. In large families, the balance of children included and not included in parental relationships is maintained. In accordance with this model, one can expect an increase in the level of differentiation of the I in society. Now this balance is disturbed and, one has to fear a decrease in the level of differentiation of the I in society, and, accordingly, the growth of psychological problems of different levels.

Within the framework of family therapy, it is necessary, based on the concept of an emotional break, to consider the past experience of all participants in a conflict situation. Cheating and quarrels are the result of internal conflicts that have formed as a result of a traumatic break in emotional relationships in the past. The task of the family psychologist is to help family members to understand and overcome the emotional intensity of the past, which affects the relationship between family members in the present.

Consider the theory described above using an example familiar to most of us.

There is a conditional family - a husband and a wife. The wife is very warm, temperamental, interested. A detached husband - work, mistress, friends. They live by themselves. Attempts by the wife to involve her husband in spending time together are increasingly being rejected. He has no time and is not interested. All that unites them is a house, a joint household, financial issues and a coincidence of views on how a happy family should look like. Over time, when it becomes unbearable and the partners, dissatisfied and exhausted, are on the verge of breaking up, they suddenly have a child and "everything is getting better." The wife satisfies her need for intimacy, completely immersed in the child, the husband feels like a breadwinner, the head of the family, and there is another, new meaning to stay in this relationship. Being a mom and dad is a much more "simple" and understandable role than being two personalities seeking intimacy. Thus, the distance between the spouses increases, but the family remains.

Years go by, the child becomes a teenager. An active search for their masculinity or femininity begins. And where can you learn it if not in the family? Here is a teenager watching how dad stays with mom for so many years. "So!" - he concludes - "Proximity is not important, but immersion in something and functional support are important - this is what a serious relationship is based on!"

Then a teenager (let's say it was a boy) becomes a man, and meets "his" woman (perhaps from a similar family), and they want to be together, "in sorrow, and in joy …".

But, if only everything is so simple. After all, when young people are busy with each other, the parents are left alone, the protective role of the parents has disappeared, and the roles of spouses remain. And then, after so many years, all the problems that were previously solved with the help of a child return. And this is unbearable! And what do parents do? They are trying to keep their children, to regain their protection. How do they do it? In different ways - they get sick, have lovers or mistresses, making divorce a threat to the preservation of the family.

And a child born in such a family bears responsibility all his life not only for his own life, but also for the safety of the family, because, in fact, he was born for this. Of course, he does not realize this.

And so, the parents get sick or get divorced. As a rule, the one to whom divorce is more unbearable gets sick. What is the child doing?

- Separated (separated) from the parents and begins to live his own life. However, a triangulated child experiences an impossible sense of guilt - after all, the responsibility for maintaining the marriage of the parents lies with him. If the feeling of guilt is too great, then there is another option:

- Get sick / drink / get into a story from which his parents will save him, instantly recovering from the illness and uniting again, or

- Separates from work, friends, girlfriend / boyfriend, returning to the parental family, or staying with the parent who finds it more difficult to survive divorce.

What if this story is similar to yours?

one. Going to personal therapy is a good way to recognize and separate your desires and life from the desires and lives of your parents.

2. Separate from parents. But, without personal therapy, triangulated children find it difficult to do this on their own.

3. Leaving everything as it is is also a way out.

Signs of a low level of differentiation from parents: -

1. Do everything as your parents tell you to

2. Doing everything the other way around

3. Feelings of constant tension in a relationship with a parent or one of them

4. Feelings of resentment towards your parents

5. Idealizing your parents

The first step towards differentiation is realizing your emotional dependence on your parents.

Signs of a low level of differentiation in relationships (family):

1. Inability to stay in closeness (feelings) with each other;

2. Addictions (alcoholic, gambling, constant search for extreme, etc.)

3. Parallel relationships (lovers serve as a stabilizer in relationships. When there is a latent conflict between partners, the energy of this conflict is channeled somewhere else);

4. Having children during a crisis in a relationship. Children, in fact, serve as an excuse to stay together;

5. Permanent coalitions with a different hierarchy (mother's son, father's daughter, grandmother's grandson, etc.)

Healthy relationship stabilizers:

1. Common household, house;

2. Temporary coalitions (dad and son go fishing, mom and daughter go to the hairdresser);

3. General finance;

4. General hobbies;

Recognizing, accepting, and exploring the patterns used can help a family understand which adaptations it relies on, and avoid repeating unpleasant patterns in the present and moving them into the future by learning other, new ways of dealing with the situation.

Thank you for your attention to my article.

All the best!

References:

Khamitova I. Yu. Murray Bowen's theory of family systems

Journal of Practical Psychology and Psychoanalysis, No. 3, 2001