Together Forever? Happy Married Do Not Read

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Yesterday I walked across the Lovers' Bridge and saw the locks being cut. The screeching of saws and the grinding of metal shook the air. Rusty and still brand new shiny "Masha + Oleg", "Seva + Lena", "Lera and Vanya love forever" fell into the container.

This was very different from what happened on the same bridge three days earlier. In a snow-white cloud of a wedding dress, the bride floats along the fence hung with locks, choosing a place for her happiness. The elegant groom gently holds her by the elbow and busily gives orders to the fussy photographer. In the hands of the witness, there is a silk pillow with a golden clasp. Now words of love, an embarrassed kiss will fly from their lips, and tender fingers will throw the key into the river.

When I see a wedding ceremony on the street, I catch myself thinking that I react like a professional psychologist who has been working a lot with married couples for a long time. I pray that these newlyweds, who are in love and inspired by each other, will never need my services. But every day I meet "yesterday's happy couples" in my office, and together we solve problems in their relationship for a long time.

Would you like to dive from the bridge of love for a key? Scroll back the wedding video to "yes", say "God forbid!" and recoil.

"Forever" didn't work?

When a marriage goes wrong, people act differently. Someone becomes emotionally dependent. Someone selflessly remakes a husband or shouts - proves - threatens. Others get sick. Some continue to give birth for him, and suddenly change - understand - appreciate. Someone adjusts to be as comfortable as possible, or even worse - becomes a mother for an adult man. These are all bad ways.

Luck or choice

A man and a woman like each other, evaluate, look closely. They start dating. Falling in love and a desire to share the future in two arises. There are drawbacks, and with them the willingness to put up with some. The concentrate of criticality in relation to each other is diluted in various proportions and largely depends on what love has done to a person.

A married couple is created and all the circumstances attached to this status are precisely those that are completely devoid of romance. Relationships take on a different form, and partners open up to each other with their new facets. Not always aesthetic and often unexpected. Those qualities are manifested that could not find a place in the period of "meetings" or here - "we live together, but without special obligations." Unfortunately, for years it has not been possible to come to an agreement and find a compromise. And on one not very beautiful morning, you can find a completely different person nearby, not the one with whom it was planned "forever". Unfortunately…

It happens that the very "impossibility" to change a partner, his attitude towards himself and the circumstances in which his unbearable facet was formed. It becomes clear that this could not have been predicted in advance. Bad luck. Just no luck. There is nothing even to add …

What's next? And then life. It continues. Only without him.

Ending a toxic relationship is sometimes the right thing to do. There is no way out in them. Exit behind them.

And it would be good to treat it this way, without coloring the bad luck that happened with a shade of "end of the world", "lethal" or "loser."

Because the house is built on a foundation. The foundation is poured onto prepared soil in a suitable place. In a relationship with a partner, we both come already somehow. Our foundation is character, upbringing, values of the parental family, achievements, level of aspirations. And then we together sculpt walls, props, a roof, dig in a fence, do the decoration - build relationships. If you don't like it or feel uncomfortable, can you redo it? Can. It is difficult, troublesome, the price must be paid, but it is possible. Anything can be rebuilt in the house, just not the foundation. He was either lucky or not.

Do people change? I have seen in my office more than once that they are changing - but only if they themselves want to. In a relationship, you can't start building WITHfoundation, only ON THE, because everyone has his own. And if you are not lucky with the foundation, then what is tuned from above will quickly begin to sink and crumble. And this does not become noticeable immediately.

Yes, we choose someone who is good with Here and now, and then stop. Invisible feature. Behind it is a hazy zone of our beliefs about how we would like tomorrow. "Here and Now" is stretched to an incredible size, there - for forty years ahead. It's nice, it's comforting. Sitting in an armchair with fragrant tea, we wrap ourselves in a cozy blanket and caress the stack of wedding invitations with a happy look, spread out in a fan under the soft light of a table lamp. "Now everything will be fine, forever …"

Could it be otherwise? Probably, I just don't want to think about it. Perhaps it really isn't worth it. All the options cannot be calculated. Rather, do not calculate any.

The only correct decision is TODAY to embark on the path of ITS development TOGETHER with a loved one, provided that TWO WANTED this.

Link or develop?

You can develop anything- relationships, family, personality, socially important business, you can help your partner develop, and ideally, all together. This is a matter of our choice. Life is in development. Here we can understand ourselves, imagine what we want. And about the other is not very clear, especially if he himself does not know what he wants.

And here "Tie your life"alarming. I am worried about the terminology of this nature: "forever and ever", "endlessly together", "I swear for life", "we are indivisible", "give ourselves completely", "we are one whole", "dissolve in each other." Take a look at these ideas - inviolability, immortality, inviolability and Siamese twins. They are terrifying. They lack life, energy, movement, fresh air. Under these reinforced concrete slabs, a person has no room for desires, the right to make a mistake, and often the opportunity to be himself.

The sun's rays do not break through the chaotic pile of iron locks on the bridge of love and the heap of rusty keys at the bottom of the muddy city river. This beautiful custom has a voice acting from oath words. And what FOR? I asked. The answer is always the same: “Well … that's the way it is. Part of the ceremony. Good photos. As a sign of our eternal love. But can you be sure of the latter?

Are there guarantees for eternity? No. It is important not to confuse here "guarantees"and "Promises" … They will promise you: “in sorrow and in joy,” and “to be faithful,” and “to love more and more every year,” and “to take in all our transforming forms, with all sorts of wrinkles,” be sure to “make you happy,” and so like that. But with guarantees it is more difficult. Because it is impossible to guarantee even to myself.

My friend was getting married. When her worried friend asked "is she happy on the eve of the coming changes", she sincerely answered: "I am getting married and I understand - perhaps this is not the only marriage in my life." Wisely. There is a place for tranquility and inner freedom. And I believe that she will cope with dignity if something goes wrong.

This view of your marriage is a deliberate choice for which there were a number of reasons. I am not calling for such an idea. It would be strange on your wedding day to think that this marriage is just one of the stages in life that may end soon or not be the most pleasant and rewarding. Of course, there is no point in planning a family as a temporary project.

The right attitude is together, amicably, amicably, in mutual understanding and for many, many years.

And there are many such pairs, I am very happy about this fact. Nothing touches me more than elderly spouses holding hands with care. This is what it makes sense to work on, what you need to strive for.

The question is at what cost to strive for this … Remember the paragraph about "mom" and an adult man? Is a happy continuation possible in all marriages?

If the owner of a poor-quality "foundation" refuses to acknowledge this fact and engage in strengthening, then the construction and decoration of a wonderful house of relations will stop, and the second "builder" will be cornered. The corner is dark, dusty, sacrificial. How to get out of it? Through pain, suffering, resentment, tears in the eyes of their children. And, finally, with a clear understanding of the futility of further actions. Bad luck…

Or war. In ruins, merciless What to fight for? For something that cannot be changed. Does this make sense? All the same, parting, only already "crawling and coughing up blood." And the wounded "soldier" will whisper: "I can't do this anymore … It's useless … We didn't agree …"

And if without drama?

It happens that the relationship just dries up, boring and calm. Why disappear in a "decaying swamp"? People are soberly aware of the incompatibility of their "foundations", negotiate without unnecessary emotions and let each other go with the world. Remain good friends. Sad, existentially sad, but very human and honest. As they say, it did not work out … Not lucky, it happens.

Do you know such confident ladies who get married 3-5 times? One of my clients found happiness and her man only in her third marriage. For many years she has been here well, calmly and freely. In her lexicon there is no word "problem", it is replaced by "roughness". She does not promise herself anything and does not swear to anyone. He just lives here and now, enjoying life with her beloved husband. And in her first and second marriages, after many years of fruitless efforts to change something, she chose not suffering, but forward movement.

If you think and feel that your relationship can still be helped or it is difficult for you to take a decisive step towards yourself, come to me for help for a consultation. Let's see if the foundations of your relationship can be strengthened, or if the move is worth organizing.

Alina Adler / family psychologist /