2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Author: Olga Fedoseeva
When clients come to me with a problem in building relationships with men, I ask one important question: "How would you like to feel in a relationship?"
Some people answer this question like this:
- I want him to call me during the day and ask me how I feel;
- I want him to give me gifts, not necessarily expensive ones, for no reason;
- I want him to listen to me and help make the right decision;
- I want him to …
Then I ask a clarifying question: "This is how you want a man to show his love and care towards you. And how exactly do YOU want to feel, feel, react in a relationship?" This question of mine surprises those who, as in childhood, continue to wait and look for parental love in their partners.
Typically, these are women who have had a negative experience of being raised by a "cold" mother and / or lost in childhood as a result of a divorce of their parents or the physical departure of a "warm" and loving father. At thirty and forty and fifty they continue to "dream" of a man who could make up for this lack of love.
Which in itself is normal. It is known that nature abhors emptiness and seeks to fill it with something. A woman who has not received parental love or who has lost her father early will strive to fill this void with a man for almost her entire adult life. But she's just not interested in the relationship. Any man will not suit such a woman! For these purposes, she needs a man who knows how and loves to take care of a woman.
This is the first pitfall. For there are very few such men in nature. And they, according to the law of "meanness", are met by women who did not "really want" this concern.
But those who seek and expect such love-care come across men of a narcissistic plan and men-infantiles (with very rare exceptions). Those who, in turn, perceive the world through the prism of "I" and therefore are not able to sincerely and disinterestedly care for others.
The second pitfall is the impossibility, with a deficit of parental love, to "get enough" with the care of your own partner.
I have come across such examples several times in my practice. As a result of family therapy, the male partner began to show more attention and care towards the woman. And the paradox - women said that it was difficult for them to bear such an amount of attention and care!
Yours, Olga Fedoseeva
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