2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Mirroring is when you reflect to a person what he told you. And he said not only in words, but also without words.
You show the person how he actually behaves and what he really says to you. And then the person you are mirroring has pleasant sensationthat you understand it.
Another name for this process is reading contexts.
There is also a similar process, it helps to mirror - active listening.
Playing the role of a mirror is not easy. This requires life experience, intuition, empathy, introspection, or very good observation of the interlocutor.
Children are good mirrors because they are great observers.
Adults are good mirrors if they have empathy and a reliable view of the world and themselves.
Example 1. Unsuccessful mirror.
A child in grade 1-2 comes from school and says:
- All the boys beat me today and the teacher didn’t tell them anything!
The parent thinks, "Hmm, that sounds kind of implausible." And he says:
- Did they all rush and beat you right?
- Yes all! - the kid insists.
- Do not be silly!
What did the child see in the reflection? - Stupidity and mistrust.
Is the child stupid? - well, that's exactly how he felt after such a dialogue.
It was the failure of the reflection. The parent did not reflect the child, but his fear and distrust. The child feels not understood, not heard and alone. And the parent did not learn anything about his affairs at school.
Example 2. Successful mirror.
A child in grade 1-2 comes from school and says:
- All the boys beat me today and the teacher didn’t tell them anything!
The parent thinks, "Hmm, that sounds kind of implausible." And he says:
- Did they all rush and beat you right?
- Yes all! - the kid insists.
- What about you?
- And I shouted at them and fought with them!
The parent is shocked, but he has not yet understood what happened. And therefore he asks further:
- And the teacher was silent?
- No, she yelled at me. And on them - no. She's awful! I won't go to school tomorrow!
- So, you were the instigator of the fight?
“They were the first to start,” the baby cries, clinging to his parent, but hesitates to say that in fact it is he who is the instigator.
The parent understands that the child is telling him: “I was to blame! This makes me feel bad and ashamed"
- Well, well, I think I understand you, you fought with everyone today. I understand - it's bad for you.
The parent can already sort out such a situation: calm down the child, talk to the teacher and help the son correct the situation. Help relieve real guilt and correct it.
When is reflection needed?
- when it is impossible to name some things due to the lack of experience in naming them;
- when a person is in a very difficult situation and due to stress cannot understand what is happening;
- when there is a strong sense of guilt, but you do not want to admit it;
- when there is shame, but you are ashamed of it;
- when there is a strong fear, but it is a shame to be afraid;
- when a person strongly blames himself, condemns or executes;
- when there is strong anxiety about expectations or plans.
Why is reflection needed?
The answer is very simple. And deep - at the same time. Not to be lonely. And don't go crazy. Without reflection, it is quite possible to lose touch with reality.
Imagine - you are crying, you go to the mirror, and a smiling face is looking at you. Or you laugh - and a stern face is looking at you. The roof will go from this.
The mirror is a different person. Or something from the outside (sometimes it can be an article). Most importantly, this should confirm your reality.
If you have painted your eyes or smeared your makeup or you have a new suit, you want to go to the mirror and see what you feel there (makeup, black tears on your cheeks or a nice fabric of your jacket). Not comfortable without a mirror. The mirror is what will say "I see you and I see what you feel!"
We cannot be mentally healthy if we do not have reliable mirrors. And a bad mirror can drive you crazy.
How to be a good mirror?
For this you need:
1) put yourself in the place of another person - to understand his circumstances;
2) to imagine yourself in his shoes - to become not quite yourself, but a little! (just slightly) by a different person;
3) imagine what is in his shoes;
4) if not everything is clear - ask questions that will help you feel in his place (in the example: the parent, feeling inadequacy, began to ask questions to see the situation in which the child found himself)
5) feel what such a person can feel in such circumstances;
6) find words that match him and your feelings.
Mirroring errors:
First mistake. Confuse yourself and the other, that is, reflect not him, but yourself. This is when you come to the mirror, but it is not you that is reflected in it, but someone else, beautiful and attractive, but it is definitely not you. This is a narcissistic trauma or injury.
Second mistake. Lose the idea that you are just a mirror. Losing oneself in another person is a strong splitting and it can do little to help, because it deprives one of the understanding of what is happening right here and now. This is when you look in the mirror and merge with the reflection. Who, then, will understand what is the matter?
An example of the first mirroring error
You come to a psychologist. Talk about your problem. And in response you hear: "This is not your problem at all, you do not understand everything correctly, you just need to behave differently and do this and that."
Why is this a mirroring error? - Imagine. You went to the mirror, but you did not see yourself in this mirror. They saw him as a stranger. And forced to believe that it is you?
An example of a second mirroring error:
You come to a psychologist. Talk about your problem. And the psychologist suffers for the same reason with the same force as you, because he falls into his story and in this state can do nothing to help you. You are just like him to him. Everything stuck together. And there is no more difference between you. Reflection is impossible. As you did not understand anything about your history, you will not understand.
Let's reiterate what is needed for a good mirror:
- self-knowledge;
- life experience;
- empathy and introspection (emotional intelligence, as it is fashionable to call it now);
- reliable recognition of one's own and other people's states or contexts;
- the ability to name what is happening, and not fall into it - that is, you have already fallen into it and realized how it was, so you no longer repeat it.
A reliable mirror is a great helper for healing and growing up.
Alas, the mirror function is never autonomous. You cannot provide this for yourself. We will always need something external, something different, in order to find our reflection in this and feel: I am, and I exist not only in my head - I can be understood - it means that everything is not so bad!
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