2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
We have already talked about what narcissistic self-esteem is and why it is very difficult to live with it. Let us only recall that such self-esteem is the result of the absence of a stable positive attitude towards oneself, which is characteristic of a self-confident person. BUT narcissistic person mostly feels like (according to N. McWilliams) a shy child, preoccupied with himself (sometimes consciously, sometimes in an unconscious background). Even in moments of joy and triumph, at heart, people with such problems have a fear that they are either not worthy good luck or success, or whatever is good have to pay … And in moments of failure, their self-esteem generally falls to a critical minimum - "I'm not good for anything."
Do I need to say that parents should in every possible way avoid everything that can contribute to the formation of such a child's attitude towards himself?
Next, we will list those factors, individual and family, which lead to the formation of a child's narcissistic ideas about himself.
Among such factors, E. Miller first of all singled out the presence of an emotionally unstable mother, "… whose emotional balance depended on whether the child behaves in one way or another. the way she wants". Fulfillment of the role required by the parent guarantees such a child “love”, which in this case is emotional exploitation, since it is not given simply by the fact of the child's existence. And the child makes the unconscious conclusion that he is not good enough as he is, that he needs to replace his true self with someone else that the mother will like more. This is how the habit of wearing psychological masks, and most importantly, the confidence is fixed that his real, without a mask, cannot be loved.
The child has a special need for the mother - so that in her eyes "See your reflection" get a realistic idea of yourself, understand what he isand that this reflected image is positive enough. If the mother, looking at the child, sees not his true personality, but projects onto him his fears, desires and plans, then the child, instead of compiling the sum of ideas about himself as genuine, forms an I-concept, consisting of the sum of maternal projections. This child "all future life will look for a mirror ”, In other words, that is, he will not have a stable and realistic self-esteem, it will remain vague and in need of constant reinforcement from the outside. As a result, such people in adulthood have a constant need to receive praise, approval and admiration, as well as extremely difficult to endure criticism, injury to self-esteem, and even just plain awkward situationsbecause they do not know how to independently maintain their self-esteem at the proper level, which fluctuates according to external assessments.
Equally damaging to self-esteem and suppression of the child's emotions in childhoodif they were uncomfortable for parents … In such circumstances, the child begins to suppress his emotions to please his parents so much that sometimes he completely loses touch with the world of his own emotions, ceases to be aware of what he is feeling. Gradually, he loses the ability to show empathy for himself, and then for others. Lack of empathy for oneself leads to the fact that a person cannot support himself in case of failures and failures, he is not able to rely on himself in difficult periods of life. Many, knowing such a problem behind themselves, begin unjustifiably considering ourselves weak, losers. Of course, with such a self-attitude, there is no need to speak of any self-confidence.
One cannot help but mention the adverse consequences for future self-confidence. injuries of pride and humiliation (especially repetitive) childhood experiences. Injuries could be inflicted both on the child himself and on the adult he idealized. The experience of devaluation and humiliation leads the child to disappointment in himself or in the adored adult with whom the child was close and idealized (H. Kohut). In these cases, the child develops the belief that since this happens to himself or to someone who serves him as an ideal, it means that he is not good enough, which naturally interferes with the formation of a realistic and stable self-esteem.
What should those of the parents who recognize themselves in this description do? Answer - urgently revise your attitude towards the child. It is precisely to reconsider, not just to change behavior. Children are very intuitive creatures. They will respond with favorable changes only to sincere and deep changes in parenting.
If someone, already being an adult, I recognized myself in this article as a child, then the only way out is to contact a specialist. Unfortunately, such problems cannot be solved on their own. But there are reliable and time-tested methods that can help. You will have to make a lot of effort, but the result is gaining self-esteem and self-confidence - will be worth it.
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