I Lived In Hell Childhood With A Psychopath

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Alena, 36 years old:

“I often wake up from nightmares. Yesterday I dreamed that the Nazis shot me. Today, in a dream, a man was chasing me, he wanted to kill me … This is how someone kills me every time.

I return to reality from the captivity of Morpheus at 3 o'clock in the morning in a cold sweat, I feel how fear pulsates in every heartbeat, shortness of breath, panic … I go, check if the doors and windows are closed. I sit on the sofa, try to calm down, breathe into a paper bag. If I am very anxious, I can drink some alcohol. The anxiety is gradually disappearing. I go back to bed, trying to sleep. The husband asks: "Did you have a bad dream again?"

I start to sob, he hugs me and asks me in surprise: "My father also punished me with a belt if I didn't clean the room, but for some reason I don't have nightmares. And you are so sensitive. Probably you watched terrible films?"

I have an abundance of conflicting feelings: on the one hand, I am happy with my husband's support, his presence is very calming, on the other, I feel the devaluation of my experiences, they say, "why are you so turned on because of nonsense?"

Then I begin to think: and really, why is he calm, he hardly has nightmares, no panic attacks, but I have? After all, his father also punished? Maybe he was just punished not so often and not so much? Why do I feel a hidden threat all the time, why am I always anxious?

I begin to remember my childhood. At the time of meeting my mother, my father showed no signs of psychopathy, was romantic, wrote poetry. It all started when the first family problems and stress appeared. Their relationship with their mother went completely wrong, they began to swear. He fell into such a rage that he began to destroy everything around, tried to strangle his mother, treated me like a piece of furniture that stood in his way - he could, for no reason, no reason, completely unexpectedly, come up to me, grab my hair and hit against the wall. The situation was tense all the time, I never knew, did not understand what I was being punished for. My father's attitude was always unpredictable: today he could come in a good mood, and tomorrow he could turn into an evil and terrible monster again, tear my hair, kick, throw dangerous objects at me, call me names, humiliate me. This whole nightmare was interspersed with violence against the mother. My father threatened to kill us if she filed for divorce. I lived all the time in anticipation of his revenge.

As a child, I developed fear of the dark, enuresis and panic attacks.

After the divorce, my father chased us for some time, beat windows, pounded on doors, and called the police many times.

My bedwetting went away only in the second grade, and everything else remained. I cannot get rid of the sense of danger, I live in a state of background alarm. Anxiety and panic attacks are exacerbated when the husband speaks in a raised voice, scolds children, or after nightmares. During periods of increasing anxiety, I can react aggressively, I feel irritable, especially when someone touches me.

In the morning, after that nightmare and experience of anxiety, she lost consciousness while preparing breakfast.

As a result of all these reflections, I realized what is the difference between how my husband and I were punished: for the husband, his punishment was predictable and he understood what he was punished for; my punishment always followed unexpectedly, was distinguished by greater cruelty and I didn't understand what my fault was. This effect of unexpected, unpredictable, chronic violence has led to the loss of a sense of security and trust in others. My father could beat me early in the morning, when I was still asleep, when I was sick … The atmosphere in the house strongly resembled a concentration camp."

Living with a psychopath forever leaves scars in your soul, leads to post-traumatic stress disorder, when the danger has passed, but you continue to live in a "fight and flight" mode, with a premonition of threat and with irrational fear.

But there is always a choice: to continue living with it or to start overcoming fear and find joy in the simplest everyday events.