2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Dialogue between the client and her mother-in-law:
- Did your psychologist tell you that you are a bad person?
- No.
- Why are you a bad housewife? And it is imperative to work on this!
- No.
- You have a bad psychologist.
There are 2 types of phrases after which we feel like we are bad people:
- straight lines;
- indirect.
I refer the following statements to direct ones:
- you are a bad mother;
- you are a bad housewife;
- you are a bad daughter;
- you are a lousy father;
- you are a bad marketer.
Indirect phrases:
- you can't live like that;
- fish / ibex / scales - terrible signs; (what should all these people do now)
- you are too emotional;
- how to raise children with you;
- how to create a family with you;
- it is difficult with people like you;
- Are you a difficult person;
- you are too hot-tempered;
- everything is always visible on your face.
And many other similar phrases.
In my opinion, phrases of the second type are more traumatic, and they are common. When they are pronounced to each of us (and I have not yet met a single person to whom this has not been said), it seems that something is wrong with us. They cause inner discomfort and the thought that we are bad. Moreover, such statements get so stuck, take root, take root in us that they lead to feelings of shame and guilt. And these feelings weaken and make everyone who experiences them insecure.
Indirect phrases "reduce" us, and create the impression that we are worse than others, and in order to reach the level of "I am normal", you need to work.
What do all these phrases (direct and indirect) have in common?
They are abstract, blurred, generalized. No specifics. This is the case when from the particular to the general. This is when we always arrive on time, but once we are late, they will say that we are not punctual.
A person cannot be bad!
However, his behavior, deeds, actions, thoughts, words, perception - some of this may be bad. Actions, actions, thoughts, words are not equal to us, they are parts of us. The part does not equal the whole (perhaps this is the most important point that I want to convey to you).
If I did something that hurt another person, does that mean I’m a bad person?
If, in aggression and anger, I insulted a person, does this mean that I am bad?
No no and one more time no!
And each of us must (I'm not afraid to say this word) learn to defend against abstract phrases that give us the feeling that we are bad. And also to separate actions from personality.
How?
1. Ask specific questions. Clarify what the person means in their phrases.
What do you mean I'm emotional? What is it about my emotionality that makes you uncomfortable?
What doesn't suit you in the scales? (If I had not witnessed segmentation by the signs of the zodiac, I would not have believed that people can speak like that)
And in what way do I manifest myself as a bad housewife / mother?
2. Treat yourself objectively. Ask yourself the question: are you really the way people tell you? Analyze your behavior, actions, words, thoughts. Do they correspond 100% to the characteristic that others give you?
Before you get upset that you, according to the subjective opinion of another person, are not like that, check with him what his problem is in communicating with you.
Specifics to help you.
Protect and take care of yourself.
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