2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
When I think about how a child totally depends on his parents and close environment, I feel uncomfortable. Even an adult who is addicted to alcohol or drugs and is in a difficult situation has the right to choose whether to stay in it or go for treatment.
A child has no such right.
Family situation, in which he happened to be born, becomes decisive for his entire subsequent life, for his most important decisions regarding this life and himself.
Family system has already taken shape, everyone has their own place, the roles are distributed and everyone knows his party by heart. The child can only integrate into this process, and begin to play his role, which is often already prescribed by his parents in the smallest detail.
What does he have to deal with
Mom and Dad already had a certain relationship before he was born. They have their own parents, and there are well-established ways of interacting with them too. Serious battles are played out on the family scene, and the child is closely intertwined in all this.
He can become a universal joy, or he can be a buffer that softens difficult relations between parents, he can be raised as a banner of struggle in family feuds, or used as a reproach to "his unlucky daughter", he will be mother's compensation for "these bastards of men" or her last hope, in the implementation of which she will invest all her strength, denying herself everything and, of course, then present an invoice.
He carries on himself the burden of parental expectations, ambitions, projections and ideas about “the right way”, “the right way” and so that “no worse than that of people”. Or maybe it will be a very tough and inflexible construction of love "since I didn't get it, let him get it" or, on the contrary, jealous "since I didn't get it, let him get it too."
I have a friend who forcibly feeds her daughter, literally shoving food into her, despite her crying, because she herself grew up in a family with alcoholic parents and used to go hungry.
And there is another friend who left her son in the care of her grandmother, and she herself took up making money and arranging her personal life. Sometimes you can get through to her soul, and she says that the relationship between the parents did not work out, and everyone left it to work, and she was left alone, they did not pay attention to her, except that she “didn’t eat?”, “Did the homework?”. Resentment rings in her voice, bitterness and pain are felt. But she immediately pulls herself together and declares: "I have grown and he will grow up, there is nothing to clatter with him." And to my question “You have grown up, but are you happy?”, He waves his hand in irritation.
And another friend's son plays the role of a liaison between the parents when they are in a quarrel. He walks from room to room and sends messages - "Go tell your mother to warm up to eat", "Tell this goat that I am not his servant", "What? Let him not ask for more money then pass it on”,“Let him choke on his money!”.
Sad…
What is left for the child? He dutifully puts in his backpack the guilt for his mother's failed life or shame for the alcoholic father, the bitterness of parental grievances against each other, the severity of the memories of their own childhood, responsibility for mother's illness, father's fear of not meeting, not coping. But you never know what …
The backpack is tightly packed, to the eyeballs, weighty, the straps cut into the shoulders, the back bends under the weight of the contents, but you have to drag. And they drag it all their lives, and pass it on to their children, adding something personally of their own. Because how can you quit, because my mother ordered, and my father admonished …
Sad…
And now it's dawn outside the window, and I keep thinking …
If parents could only imagine how their child totally depends on them …
Do we give a child a lot of freedom? Is there a choice for him? Does he have his own territory on which he will build his life? Will we let him do it?
Do we give a place and time to manifest that Divine that is inherent in him and with what he came into this world, does he have the opportunity to realize himself his own, real, such as God intended him to be?
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