2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
A quarrel is an integral part of love communication! No matter how two people love each other, the brains of lovers necessarily need them to … periodically quarrel and, by the very fact of the quarrel that happened, they check and find out that they are actually still together, still love each other and still very much each other. greatly cherish. And it is precisely in this place that the fundamental conflict lies between the rationality, the consciousness of a person and his unconsciousness. Since at the level of reason, every normal person wants to avoid stress and those unpleasant emotions that are almost always characteristic of quarrels - accordingly, every lover, to the best of his ability, tries not to quarrel. And since his own unconscious really needs periodic updates of his "picture of the world", literally feels hunger for all kinds of stresses and conflicts, and this is actually objectively necessary for the lovers themselves (only they themselves may not understand this!), Then it is and in every possible way provokes these same conflicts. Moreover, he does it in all possible and impossible ways.
There is only one consolation in all this. Due to the fact that only two parties take part in the process of organizing quarrels - a reasonable human consciousness and our ancient unconscious - it is not difficult for us to understand: there are only three mechanisms for triggering love quarrels: unconscious, conscious and conscious-unconscious (if you think that to get A face on a table is fundamentally different from striking a face with a tab, you can call the third mechanism like this: unconscious-conscious.
♦♦♦ Three mechanisms of occurrence of love quarrels ♦♦♦
♦ MECHANISM SSOR No. 1
Unconscious quarrel of natural origin
One of the most important functions of love quarrels is to check and warm up gradually cooling love relationships. This mechanism is activated when the unconscious of one of the partners suddenly begins to worry that “something is wrong” and wants to urgently make sure that the other person continues to value the relationship and “being friends in general still makes sense”.
During the quarrels that are carried out by our ancient autopilot, our unconscious, the person himself is not yet aware of the conflict between his thinking and behavior and the thinking and behavior of his partner. But, on the other hand, his unconscious already understands this, the very structures of the brain that were formed even before the appearance of a rational-logical cortex of the cerebral hemispheres in a person and whose task is to ensure our banal survival. Catching this kind of contradiction in the behavior of two partners, the unconscious begins to worry about the owner not being too oppressed, not losing his right to attention, food and sex (reproduction). After which it begins to urgently look for its own ways to somehow signal, to convey disturbing information to a higher cerebral floor, to the cerebral cortex, to the human mind. And the best way for this is conflict, the very quarrels, which are inherently coercion, the very slap on the head, after which a person finally takes up his mind and begins to understand that something is happening for him (her) unpleasant …
Deciding to conduct such a "quarrel testing" or simply adjusting the positions of partners on a particular issue, the unconscious makes it so that quarrels arise in a completely "natural" and unpredictable way, occur even when none of the partners not only expected them, but they were completely surethat there is absolutely no reason for their occurrence. Outwardly, it looks about the same as you would, not wanting water leakage, plugged absolutely all holes in the old hose with your own hands, but the very fact of an increase in internal pressure in it will certainly lead to the fact that a small trickle of water will still find somewhere "slack" and yet again the hose will break through and flow …
As a result, completely unwilling to quarrel at a reasonable level, vowing that this will never, ever happen again, to begin with, simply exchanging certain thoughts and opinions, the partners discover: “Oh, yes, we are already quarreling! Oh, what you are! And I thought … Well, okay, I'll have to go all the way! Once it turns out that you have your own principles and approaches, now you will learn about mine too! Now you will find out everything from me !!!.
So, in the unconscious version, quarrels occur without the presence of the internal readiness of both partners, the partners really really do not want to quarrel, they do not understand how they "missed" and allowed conflicts to arise, they feel internal annoyance about this, but … having started to quarrel, all the same bring the matter to the end!
This mechanism is the most frequently triggered. I think you have already recognized him. In different versions and modifications, it works throughout the love relationship. But, most vividly, he manifests himself during a crisis of love relationships. At this point in time, he becomes part of a large mechanism of self-destruction of love relationships, which the author defines as a "critical program" and which day after day provokes more and more quarrels and conflicts, even if both partners stubbornly resist it. If you want to know more about him, you can read my book. "13 Ways to Overcome a Crisis in Love Relationships."
As you can see,
In an unconscious version of quarrels, partners find out what is between them
there are some more or less significant discrepancies … only directly already in the course of a love quarrel
Accordingly, such an unconscious quarrel is nothing more than a way to first identify contradictions, and then convey information about this to the "owner" - to the mind of the partners, which will already have to make the final decision: to settle the problematic issue directly in the course of that very quarrel, in which he, in fact, has just emerged, or already in the next, conscious and more thoroughly prepared quarrel. In the very quarrel that we will now talk about.
♦ MECHANISM SSOR No. 2
Unconsciously-conscious quarrel "for prevention"
Let's imagine that two people really love each other. Their relationship has stabilized long ago and took on a long-term character. All fundamental differences between them have already been removed. It would seem that there is absolutely no need to quarrel, but … the unconscious of lovers still needs to periodically make sure that "everything is fine" and as a result of "removing stressful information" obtained as a result of provoking a quarrel "from scratch" additionally correct the picture of the partner's perception … And in order to achieve this and cause such a quarrel, which, although it will not even be worth a damn, but, nevertheless, will be able to bring the partners almost to the "white heat", the unconscious partners have to sort of "legalize" and " withdraw”, formulate your need at the level of the mind of one of the partners. That is, the quarrel, which initially arises at the subconscious level, is simply transferred to the “upper” conscious level, becomes a kind of “assignment” given to the unconscious mind.
At this point in time, a person who just found out that his partner (s) canceled their long-planned appearance in the cinema or dared to change his haircut without prior approval,Suddenly he thinks: “Something lately I have relaxed a little (ss)! Something I often forgive him (her) and show longsuffering … And apparently, this is not only not appreciated, but also becomes the reason for the devil-may-care attitude towards me! So, isn't it time for me to arrange a "demonstrative flogging", to demonstrate sincere indignation at what happened, to pretend that I "freaked out (a)", to turn around and leave ?! Exactly, it's time! Let's do it! We will use this opportunity and we will quarrel as if seriously, but in fact "pretend". Let my half run and worry. And I, so be it, in a couple of days I will change my anger to mercy … ".
This mechanism of quarrels is for you, for sure, "like a dear". And you really do not think why you reacted in this way, say, to the third case of your partner being late for a date, and not, say, the second or fourth. And you yourself will never understand why today you began to think out all sorts of nasty things on behalf of your partner and immediately believed in them. And if you ask about it, you will not answer coherently. But, even if you answer, then most likely it will be a formal excuse, in the truth of which you yourself will not be very sure. Although, of course, you won't show it …
Unconsciously-conscious quarrels are such a variant of quarrels when one of the partners, doing what will become a reason for a quarrel, is not ready for a quarrel himself. But the second partner, whose mind is promptly disturbed by the unconscious, is already completely ready for a quarrel, knows the true cause of its occurrence and has a clearly defined goal.
Unconsciously-conscious quarrels, which I call quarrels "for prevention", play a huge role in love relationships. As already mentioned, it is they who allow the relationship to develop, by the contradictory method they help the lovers to feel that they still need each other and are ready to periodically humble their pride and ask for forgiveness even if their wines are so microscopic in size that you can't even look at it under a microscope. But, on the other hand, because of some trifle, the scandal turns out to be, at least, about the fact of treason!
As a result, today one partner “prophylactically” organizes a quarrel and stress, tomorrow another, and in the end everyone loves each other and is very happy. The unconscious and the mind of both partners work with each other in close interaction and are glad that their human masters are together …
♦ MECHANISM SSOR No. 3
Conscious "technological quarrel"
The real triumph of the human mind can be considered conscious, or as I define them, "technological" quarrels.
Technological quarrels - these are such quarrels that are deliberately provoked not at all in order to worsen relations, but in order to achieve a solution to such a short-term tactical task that is difficult to achieve with ordinary love methods. That is, one of the partners, as a result of their own reflections or the use of someone else's advice, CONSCIOUSLY comes to the idea that the only way to achieve something or avoid something is only … a quarrel (or the threat of a quarrel) with a partner in love or family relationships. Here he (a) and quarreling …
In this version, quarrels occur when a person consciously realizes that his partner in a love relationship is doing what he (her) does not suit him at all, or he just needs to get rid of these relationships altogether. Such a person consciously decides: “It's time to put a partner in his place or temporarily break off relations with him. Now we will do it! And it doesn't matter if there will be a suitable reason for this, or if you have to stage it. The match must take place in any weather!”.
Since deliberate "technological" quarrels are a real triumph of our minds, I will give a list of examples of the most common "technological" quarrels between lovers.
Ten Examples of Reasonable "Technological" Quarrels
Example of quarrels # 1. The cynical desire of one of the partners (most often men) to “save money”. If the first partner has a birthday in a day or two, the poor second partner, it happens, quarrels with him (her) only in order to either give nothing at all, or do it a little later, when the financial situation improves somewhat and it will be possible to purchase really worthy thing.
Example of quarrels # 2. A timely organized quarrel is used as a good reason to beg during the reconciliation of this or that thing you like (professional kept women of wealthy men, this is how they are successfully “bred for gifts”.
Example of quarrels # 3. The quarrel is the result of the desire to avoid the planned "ritual" acquaintance with the parents of your loved one (or even a direct application to the registry office!). A fresh quarrel with subsequent resentment and a pause in the relationship allows to postpone this “significant” event “for later,” that is, for an indefinite period.
Example of quarrels # 4. Difficult life circumstances unexpectedly required one hundred percent concentration of forces in one direction or another (entrance or final exams, session, annual report, a very profitable contract, etc.). Since it is very difficult for a partner to explain that two or three weeks are best not seen at all (but a lot of money will be earned !!!), it's time to quarrel correctly and “take a time out”.
Example of quarrels # 5. Doubt as to whether the relationship partner really values this connection so much, as he (s) says it, makes you quarrel "for verification", that is, in order to make sure that the partner will "come running", and his (her) love actually takes place.
Example of quarrels # 6. Excessive jealousy of one of the partners, who absolutely does not allow the second partner to go anywhere without his (her) accompaniment. And so he quarreled, left the "communication zone" for a couple of days and ran to the bathhouse or on his birthday …
Example of quarrels # 7. A man's desire to take advantage of his girlfriend's "critical days" in order to force her to engage in those kinds of sex that she does not like (primarily oral and anal). In this case, the ladies quarrel in a timely manner and wait several days. And there you can already engage in the usual kind of sex.
Example of quarrels # 8. A "sexual fight" is used as a method of pressure on the partner who is sexually more passive and helps the more active partner get what he wants by the "sexual strike" method.
Example of quarrels # 9. As a result of the fact of his own sexual infidelity, one of the partners acquired a sexually transmitted disease (or there are suspicions about this). In order to temporarily stop sexual intercourse and win those very vital two or three weeks for treatment, it is best to "tell each other too much" in time, to quarrel and "lie low" for a while.
Example of quarrels # 10. This or that quarrel may be dictated by a conscious desire to "warm up" for a long time already existing and therefore somewhat "faded" love relationships. Such episodic "shakes", indeed, often have an important preventive value and help to relieve the accumulated emotional stress, avoid excessive "stagnation of blood", create at least the appearance of some bright "event" in a bored long-term relationship.
This list is certainly not complete! However, even he will allow the most inexperienced readers to understand what the author means by using the concept of "technological quarrels". There is no doubt that some of these examples are familiar to you, and with some you will now add to your “love arsenal”. But, most importantly, you will be able to rehabilitate your own rationality: it turns out that it not only plays a role in love quarrels, but sometimes plays it very noticeably!
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