Ask-thank-deny

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Part 1

Do you know how to ask? How do you ask? Do you ask directly or do you wait for others to figure out what you need? And then, like a baby in a crib, you choke on your rage at the fact that others did not guess (mom did not come to the crib). If you haven't guessed, you are bad.

The inability to communicate directly, to an equivalent dialogue in relations with others (partners, parents, brothers and sisters, friends, colleagues) leads to various kinds of manipulation.

What prevents you from asking directly?

Unwillingness to be responsible for your request, to pay for it. I didn’t ask directly - I don’t owe anything. The smallest payment is sincere gratitude, as recognition of the value of the Other and his help, his investment in fulfilling the request. I don't want to be in debt.

• Pride. When I ask, I have to admit that the other has what I don’t have. I don't want to feel humiliated, weak, vulnerable. Shame.
• Fear of rejection. Failure to withstand rejection. Refusing a request is perceived as rejection. However, the Other has the right to refuse based on his own “I can’t” and “I don’t want to”. Without making excuses.
• Avoiding bothering another. Most often, this happens when the person asking himself does not know how to say "No".

In the inability to ask, there is an opportunity to manipulate another person.

You can find the obstacles that prevent you from voicing a request directly with the help of a psychotherapist and build relationships with Others through direct communication. Yes, there is a risk that you will be refused. This also happens. After all, you probably recognize your right to refuse …

Do you often act as a giver yourself? Can you guess what others expect of you? Do you often offer help yourself unselfishly? What kind of attitude do you expect after the help provided?

Part 2

Do you know how to thank? How do you thank? Do you take support and help for granted?

I have my own criterion of gratitude. When I am truly grateful, I feel like crying. Yes, just cry. Crying overflowing feelings. What are these feelings about? That I recognize my need and vulnerability, my imperfection and imperfection. I accept the benefit of another as a gift. In the wiktionary, a gift is interpreted as an "offering", "donation". Someone else shared with me what he has, belongs to him - time, knowledge, experience, physical effort, material or money. Gratitude for me is approval of another person's actions towards me, recognition of the value of what he has shared with me of his own free will.

What can hinder gratitude?

• Not wanting to admit your vulnerability.
• Not wanting to recognize the value of the Other.
• The idea of justice. Since the Other has and I do not, he must share with me.
• Implied obligation (which I wrote about in the previous post).
• Consumer attitude towards life and other people.
• Pride.
• Resentment.

Sincerity for me comes from the word "spark". Heart sparkles with sincere gratitude. Gratitude - from the word "to give good". Without sincere gratitude, the gift is devalued, and therefore has no value of its own, it is difficult to appropriate it, first of all, to oneself, to benefit from it.

People who are unable to thank are characterized by total dissatisfaction with life. Maybe we should start noticing the benefits? Change the focus of my attention not from what I do not have, but to what I have? I once wrote about how hormones influence our perception of life, so we can influence hormones with our attitude. The hormones of joy are dopamine, serotonin and endorphins. Noticing the benefits and saying "thank you" can change your hormonal mood.

Do you often thank? Thank you formally or sincerely? What prevents you from thanking?

Part 3

Do you know how to refuse? Why is it sometimes so hard to refuse? What prevents your honest "no?"

A common cause is fears: fear of losing contact, fear of rejection, fear of judgment and evaluation, fear of feeling guilty, fear of offending the Other by rejection, fear of shame. Therefore, it is important to deal with your fears, name them, and then decide how to deal with them.

If you feel a lot of tension when asked for something, it makes sense to ask yourself the following questions:

• Is this within my area of responsibility?
• Can I help him? Do I have the ability and strength for this?
• Do I want to? How sincere is my desire to help?
• How will I feel if I comply with the request?
• How will I feel if I don't follow through?
• What am I afraid of if I refuse?
• Analyze your value structure.

Another reason why it is difficult to refuse is the experience of psychological trauma. Such people very often have a disturbed sensitivity to themselves, to their own desires and capabilities. In this case, a course of psychotherapy is simply necessary to return this sensitivity.

Well, in practice, there are also clients stuffed with introjects: "People need to be helped", "You must", "Live for others", "If not me, then who?" The most interesting thing is that if the introject is appropriated, but not assimilated, it is experienced as an unconscious internal conflict.

People who do not know how to refuse often feel like victims, hostages of circumstances. And if you are a victim, then you do not seem to be responsible for yourself, the power is in the hands of other people, fears or introjects.

Who manages your "Yes" or "No?"

Well, and finally, a dialogue from my favorite "Heart of a Dog". Your honest “I don’t want” is also a sufficient argument to refuse.

“I suggest you take some magazines for the benefit of the children of Germany. A fifty-kopeck piece.

― No, I won't.

-Why do you refuse?

-I do not want.

-Do you not sympathize with the children of Germany?

-I sympathize.

-Do you feel sorry for fifty dollars?

-No.

-So why?

-I do not want.

They were silent."