About Pain, Powerlessness And Inability To Ask For Help

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Linkin Park's lead singer recently committed suicide. It was a shock for many people, including me. I remember my thoughts when Robin Williams committed suicide a few years ago in the summer. It did not fit in my head how a person who personified humor, lightness and simplicity could do this. For me, he was some kind of symbol and his departure became very difficult for perception. And then information began to appear that he suffered from depression, drug addiction, that recently he suffered very much and was withdrawn. And it seemed like this exit was the solution for him. But for other people, he was a simple, meaningful, important, special person who always joked, cheered up, etc. The same was written about the lead singer of Linkin Park.

But I was also surprised at how easily many people began to condemn them for such a step. Because these are the stars who, it would seem, had everything. What is the drama. Live and be happy. Hey, have come up with depression for yourself. We would go to work. But they have children, responsibility. As much as they could. And stuff like that.

And against this background of condemnation, this terrible step turns out to be meaningful. Because a person sees that his pain for another is an empty sound. People do not understand that external goods do not mean anything. Because pain, trauma and experience cannot be drowned out by fame, money and alcohol. Because it is all external. And those who dream of money / fame / another life, in the hope that it will change something, do not understand that it does not change anything if there is a hole inside. Even creativity is, often, only the result of inner pain, a huge amount of hard-felt emotions that need to be given a way out. As the saying goes, wherever you move, you take yourself everywhere.

And more importantly, this condemnation once again showed that what you are on the inside is of little interest to anyone.

We always see only a certain picture that people show us, a facade, a cover. This is how everyone lives. Someone does this so that others are jealous, someone - so as not to show their weakness, someone - to get attention, etc.

But one thing is for sure - we never know for sure what is really going on in the lives of other people

I used to take my word for it and believed in pictures. And then there was therapy, in which I was both a client and a therapist and a member of groups. And in all this space, I saw that people create these pictures and defenses, just not to show themselves real and their personal experiences.

Girls who post photos of themselves happy, with their loved ones, then sit and cry, because everything is not so and generally very bad, that they do not love themselves, and the beloved is generally selfish. Businessmen who show pictures of successful everyday life can hardly restrain themselves from crying, because they are tired of being so successful, because it turns out that others need them only as such, and any slightest manifestation of weakness leads to quarrels, divorces, the end of friendship, etc. …

And when I saw this, I began to understand that the truth will always be hidden from other people. To show the truth is unprofitable, dangerous, unpleasant. And therefore, it is better to just drive the picture than to become alive and real.

I also thought about another possible phenomenon.

Very often it turns out that people whom others consider to be bright, positive, optimistic and rays of light are in fact deeply unhappy

Because they know that this is the form in which people take them.

It is easy for them to shine for others, but it is very difficult for them to shine for themselves

We all consume other people. We think that we are disinterested and sincere, but in fact, any other person is interesting to us as long as we can get something from him. And not in a material sense to receive. And emotionally.

We are with another person as long as we have fun together, as long as he inspires us, gives his warmth, or causes love inside us, if with his humor he disperses our sorrows, when he brightens our loneliness, teaches, gives advice, helps, etc..d.

That is, as long as we receive something from another person, we will strive to communicate with him. Because in this sense, any person is an egoist. No one will communicate with someone who only causes negative or gives nothing.

And this turns out to be a big problem for such bright and positive people.

Because they think that if they talk about their pain, their experiences, difficulties, they can lose their dear people. Or they are afraid that then everyone will find out about their weakness and harm them, or something else like that

And then, instead of becoming who he is, such a person tries to be who he is not.

He can actually be fun and positive, but only sometimes he can have difficulties himself. And when, instead of appearing to others with these difficulties and getting support from them, he begins to withdraw, withdraw into himself, limit communication, hide. Because he believes that in such a state no one needs him

And the saddest thing is that it is very often true.

Most people really don't care about those in pain

Someone does this out of the belief that pain is weakness, and since you are weak, then get out of here

Someone just selfishly thinks that if he is not amused, then why communicate with them

Someone simply does not know how to help a person who is in pain

There are many reasons, but the result is the same. The one who hurts is left alone with his pain. And in this case, leaving this world may be a completely logical decision

I thought about why this is happening? Is it really so difficult just to listen to another person, to be with him in his experiences. And then I remembered that before psychotherapy I did not understand at all what it was like to be close to a person in his experiences.

The problem is that we are not taught how to deal with another person

I also thought it was because each of us is struggling to endure our own pain and our own impotence. And since we do not know what to do ourselves in such a state, then seeing another person experiencing something similar actually means multiplying our experiences many times over

And in order to avoid these experiences, people try to find their ways out.

Strong people (usually successful men) generally find it very difficult to recognize in themselves at least some minimal hint of weakness, pain and feelings. Therefore, their approach is the same - “Pull yourself together, rag. Can't you just go and do it? Feelings are all bullshit. He clenched his teeth and went. " And in this state they keep themselves, their loved ones and those who suddenly risked turning to them for help

Some people immediately start giving advice. What to do and how. That is, any pain for them is something that needs to be twisted and removed somehow. Solve a problem

Someone just starts to feel sorry for and pinch them directly. "Oh, you, my poor thing, how much it hurts you, uchi-ways, let me feed you with a spoon."

Someone in response begins to complain and say "Why, here are your problems, but I have …"

Someone gets away from powerlessness through devaluation and comparison with someone who is even worse. "War, in Uganda, children are starving, and you are with some kind of garbage."

And among such options for behavior, none will allow the other to feel that his experiences are not some kind of garbage, that they are taking place, that they are normal and natural. On the contrary, the majority will finish it off and say that this is bad, that all this pain must be rooted out and not even seen, get down to business and everything will pass by itself

Having listened to such advice and answers, it is easy to get started, "pull yourself together", go into a stormy activity. Fortunately, if a person is busy, then he does not have enough attention to think about himself. And the illusion is created that it can be experienced. Therefore, many such kind / bright people become active helpers, direct all their attention to helping others, give away from themselves, thereby compensating for their pain.

And it seems to others that they are such - carefree people, strong people, that you cannot take them with anything, that they always look ahead, that they are always ready to help.

But for some reason no one comes to help them.

Because it would never occur to anyone that this bright, clean, cool person might have problems. What he needs to be listened to, accepted, allowed to say about his experiences and pain. For HIM to be offered help

They know how to give, but they don't know how to ask for themselves.

And I write all these thoughts so that you think about the strong people in your life.

Surely, among your friends and acquaintances there are those who fit this description. And it is possible that they now need help. To be simply listened to, to be asked if they need something, if they have enough strength, if everything is in order.

Because now there is a lot of pain. A lot of pain. There is a lot of anxiety and uncertainty. And to pretend that it is not there is to doom yourself to psychosomatics, eternal anxiety, loss of the meaning of life and deep depression. And people who do not cope are actually more than we see. Because only a few show it

But we still equate the recognition of such anxious feelings with the recognition of weakness, after which you will never be on horseback.

The only joke is that if you do not admit to yourself in your experiences, it may happen that later there will be no one who needs to be on horseback.

And then there is another problem in the case of not recognizing your hard feelings.

It is very easy to anesthetize all your pain and impotence with aggression. That is why there is so much anger, attacks, conflicts now

The more it hurts a person, the more he will want to hurt another. To somehow calm down

Therefore, many will sit on the Internet, throw words, come from hatred at enemies, because it is they who are so and so to blame for the fact that it hurts. And they will beat, hurt others, sting, just not to hear how they really hurt themselves.

When I want to start killing someone in response for what he says and does evil, I remind myself that this is only because he is in great pain now. And when I hear my desire to attack, I turn to myself and ask how much it hurts me. And what can I do for myself to take this pain away. Because if I attack a person out of my pain, then his pain will only intensify, and with this, his reciprocal aggression will also intensify. And this turns out to be a really hopeless circle

With these reflections, I wanted to say the following:

Be alert to your own pain, to the pain of others

Try to support others, ask if they need your help

Don't shy away from your powerlessness. Ask for help for yourself

I understand that only by opening up to what we are actually experiencing, sharing it with another person, or healing ourselves, we can really influence what is happening now in our cities, countries, and the world.

You must understand that your participation, your help, in the end, can have a healing effect on many people.

If there is less pain inside each of us, then it will not tend to materialize into conflicts, wars and destruction

And this pain can be reduced only by recognizing its existence. And ask for help. Others - for themselves. Or at home - for others.

Pain is not weakness. Sadness is not weakness. Sadness is not weakness. Depression is not weakness. And even powerlessness is not weakness

They become weak when they begin to destroy you from the inside. And then you definitely get weak

Find someone who shares your feelings with you.

I especially say this to our strong and courageous men.

Men, believe me, for women it will only be a revelation that you are experiencing feelings. And it is very possible that having received support from a loved one who will share them with you, you will become much stronger and more confident than hiding all this and pretending that you are batmen.

Turn on the light and light up your pain. Let it come out and transform.

Don't be afraid to ask for help. It is foolish not to ask her, but to pretend that everything is good when everything is really bad

Think about it.