Do I Have The Right To Ask?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-31 14:10

Once I asked a person who was very close to me for help and assistance in one important matter. This man refused me …

But he didn’t just refuse, he tried to convince me that I didn’t need what I asked for either. I experienced a whole range of emotions and plunged into the feelings that a child experienced in a similar situation. It was a feeling of piercing loneliness and the feeling that in difficult times I had no one to count on but myself. Resentment rolled up to my throat and got stuck there in a lump that could not be swallowed.

I was at a loss and asked myself questions:

- Did I have the right to count on the help of this person?

- And can I be angry with him now?

When I dealt with this situation and lived through it, I made for myself several important realizations that I want to share with you.

1. Anyone has the right to need and ask for help.

Doubts about this right arise if, in childhood, a child who asks for something from a parent received a refusal and a devaluation of his desire. Something like:

- You don't need this because I don't want / can't do it.

- I don't like this, so you shouldn't want it either.

In this situation, the child begins to divide his desires into those that he can want and which he cannot. Right and wrong. And he learns to abandon those desires and needs that are not approved by the significant environment. Or does not refuse them at all, but seems to lose the right to ask for them. Hence the question I asked myself:

- Do I have the right to ask? Do I have the right to count on the help of this person (and other people in general)?

Beliefs with which a child goes into adulthood:

- Don't ask - they will refuse anyway;

- Needing help and asking for something is bad;

- If I asked and was refused, I am bad. Because I asked for something wrong. Or because I have no right to ask, but I asked.

Perhaps this is why many people are so afraid to ask for anything from others?

The next decision that a child makes in this situation is" title="Image" />

1. Anyone has the right to need and ask for help.

Doubts about this right arise if, in childhood, a child who asks for something from a parent received a refusal and a devaluation of his desire. Something like:

- You don't need this because I don't want / can't do it.

- I don't like this, so you shouldn't want it either.

In this situation, the child begins to divide his desires into those that he can want and which he cannot. Right and wrong. And he learns to abandon those desires and needs that are not approved by the significant environment. Or does not refuse them at all, but seems to lose the right to ask for them. Hence the question I asked myself:

- Do I have the right to ask? Do I have the right to count on the help of this person (and other people in general)?

Beliefs with which a child goes into adulthood:

- Don't ask - they will refuse anyway;

- Needing help and asking for something is bad;

- If I asked and was refused, I am bad. Because I asked for something wrong. Or because I have no right to ask, but I asked.

Perhaps this is why many people are so afraid to ask for anything from others?

The next decision that a child makes in this situation is

2. We have the right to be angry with those who devalue what is important to us

Anger is a reaction to the violation of our boundaries, which gives us the energy to defend them. When someone tells us that we shouldn't want what we want, it is an attack on values, and therefore a violation of boundaries. Anger in a situation like this is a very healthy reaction.

But if we do not have the right to desire or the right to ask, then we will not feel anger at such a depreciation. She will be suppressed and go into unconsciousness.

Or it will manifest itself as an auto-aggression, and the person will scold himself that he, they say, is not like that and wants something wrong.

I want to say a few words in defense of the one who devalues. A person does this not out of malice, but, as a rule, in defense. It is difficult for him to refuse, because then he meets his feelings of guilt. One way to avoid it is to convince the person asking that he doesn't need his request either. The easiest way to do this is to devalue it.

3. Other people have the right to deny our request.

The other side of the coin" title="Image" />

I want to say a few words in defense of the one who devalues. A person does this not out of malice, but, as a rule, in defense. It is difficult for him to refuse, because then he meets his feelings of guilt. One way to avoid it is to convince the person asking that he doesn't need his request either. The easiest way to do this is to devalue it.

3. Other people have the right to deny our request.

The other side of the coin

Often this prohibition on refusal extends to the one asking, and can even serve as an argument in manipulation: "I always help you, and you …" It is difficult for a person to refuse and he rapes himself in order to agree and "not offend the other." Unfortunately, this sacrifice will require an atonement in one way or another.

Sometimes, in order to allow yourself to deny someone, you must first give this permission within yourself to others. Sometimes, on the contrary, in order to allow yourself not to agree to requests that you do not want to fulfill, you need to see that absolutely all people have this right. Even with regard to those closest to you.

At the end of the article, I will quote the words that I said to myself as a result:

• I give myself permission to want help, I give myself the right to need other people and talk about it. And they have the right to refuse me.
• Refusal is not the end of the world, I will not collapse from it and I can endure it. If one place is denied, this is not the end of everything. If other places and people can help.
• If someone does not want to fulfill my request, this does not say anything about my personality or about my desire.
• It is better to grieve about the failure to fulfill a desire than to crush the need itself, to give up what you want because someone does not approve of it.

These are new solutions and a view of the situation from the perspective of an adult, not a child. These words support me, help me ask for and accept rejection if it happens. Perhaps they will be useful for you as well.