Divorce And Child

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

No one expects his family to fall apart. However, it must be remembered that divorce begins long before the divorce itself. Conflicts, misunderstandings, quarrels, screams, resentments, tears - all this is not the end, but already the beginning. This article is not about how to keep the family together, but I still think it is important to say here that before putting the point called "divorce", ask yourself, have you done everything in your power to avoid it? Were you tolerant enough, did you manage to forgive, did you give your husband / wife all the attention, warmth, care and love that could heal your family? Responsibility for a relationship is always with both, so start asking yourself. If you have tried all the methods and you realized that there is nowhere to develop a relationship, there is no need and it is dangerous from the moral or physical side for you, then now is the time to think about the child, how to do so to help him survive a uniquely tragic event in his life.

“Divorce starts before divorce” - and for the child too. Even if you do not quarrel in front of the child, do not show him your emotions, he has felt everything for a long time. He may not be able to articulate exactly what he is feeling, but he definitely feels the tension in the house, the lack of warmth and tenderness between the parents and other “markers of trouble” that cause him anxiety. At the same time, living “for the sake of the child”, when there is no love between the parents, this is just as or even worse for him than divorce, since the lack of love and warmth in the family develops in the child distorted ideas about gender relations, violates faith in love and can affect on his future personal life is not the best way.

Therefore, do not delay, as soon as you decide that divorce is inevitable - tell your child about it.

• It is desirable that both parents are close at this moment. First of all, we must say that you tried, but could not maintain the relationship, stopped seeing support in each other and now you cannot return it.
• It is better to say this when both parents still live in the same house, in order to give the child time to adapt to this news, but not to delay the move, so as not to create the illusion of the possibility of preserving the family.
• To say: “You are not guilty, you have not done anything and you could not have done anything to make this happen, or to prevent it. So now, there is nothing you can do to keep us together, this is only our decision. " Make it clear that there is no hope of preserving the marriage, so that the child does not live in illusions (although this will certainly be, but you must do everything so as not to fuel the child's fantasies).
• Be sure to say that you love him, repeat this constantly, now the child needs these words even more, because he has a fear that since you are leaving each other, then you can leave him. "Mom will always remain your mom, and dad will remain your dad."
• Do not blame each other in any way! As much as your ex-partner hurts you, you are one for your child! He cannot choose what he loves more, the right hand or the left, or which leg does he "hurt" for, or what is more important to him the right eye or the left? There is no separation between you for him, so don't tear him apart. Do not show how angry you are at his second parent, for him it is insurmountable suffering!
• Discuss this situation with your child. Depending on the age, children experience divorce in different ways, but there is no such age when the child would not be hurt by this breakup. Speak in an understandable language with your baby, make sure that he understands you. A child can come up many times with the same questions, it just means that he is trying to assimilate and somehow survive this difficult event. Answer calmly, talk to him again and again when he needs to, talk about love and assure that you will always be there. To visualize what it is like for a child, double your pain and add the children's inability to cope with emotions.
• Tell your child that it is hard and painful, but you will definitely cope with it, and you, the parents, will help him. Remember that you yourself are responsible for your pain, and the child suffers "for nothing." Do not say that after the divorce it will be better, perhaps you will feel better, and then not immediately, but for the child this will not happen very soon, and while he is waiting for this, he may lose faith in your words.
• It is undesirable to change something in the child's life at this moment: moving, changing kindergarten / school. It is important for him to maintain friendly ties, because during such a period the child's self-esteem and self-confidence fall, he needs outside support.
• If the child stays with the mother, it is important that the father sees him often and regularly. You cannot think that while it hurts you to meet with your "ex", you can take a break from communication with your father. If he is not there during a difficult period, then later he will hardly be able to get closer to the child, and the latter, in turn, will consider that dad does not communicate with him, because he is some kind of “not that”, unworthy and unloved. The same is true in the opposite situation.
• Neither mom nor dad can ever replace both parents. Both the girl and the boy need both parents for proper development, try for the sake of the child to find understanding with the ex-spouse and work out a scheme of regular communication with him.

How does a child feel during a divorce?

* Most often, the child considers himself guilty of the parental discord. This comes from the fact that children consider themselves to be the center of their world, and have a kind of self-centered idea of their importance in everything that happens around them. He may think that his parents quarreled and divorced because he misbehaved. Above, I wrote that this should be discussed with the child.

* The child begins to behave differently. He may become more capricious, he may be angry with one of the parents as the culprit and even talk about it to him, academic performance may drop, become more aggressive towards children and animals, attentiveness and self-esteem decreases - all this can happen before you announced a divorce, as I already wrote, the child begins to feel it without your words. It is important to understand that this behavior is a reaction to stress and anxiety. Talk to and comfort your child. Do not scold him for his aggression towards you, but explain. Keep his previous regime, try to get rid of overwork. Tell about the divorce at school / kindergarten so that teachers understand what is happening with the child, what it is connected with and, ideally, support the child.

* Conversely, the child can become very quiet and affectionate. Literally "cleave" to mom, constantly hug her, say that he loves. Don't want to go to kindergarten / school. Or it will behave "as before", will not show any oddities. These "quiet" types of reactions are even more dangerous for the child's psyche. They only say that the child is in great anxiety and either hides his feelings from himself deep into the subconscious, or clearly shows that he does not believe in the love of his parents and that they will not abandon him just like each other. Such types of experiences of similar trauma (as well as other psychological traumas: death, disasters, violence, etc.) are dangerous with the appearance of serious psychosomatics. In such cases, it is better to consult a psychologist.

* Sometimes the child deliberately provokes aggression towards himself. He kind of checks whether you really love him, even like that. Or he thinks that one more conflict with him, and you will leave him, and subconsciously check whether this is so. It is important to make it clear that despite the difficult situation, no one canceled discipline. It is necessary to say that his behavior is unpleasant to you and you will not allow yourself to behave this way, but you continue to love him. Practice consistency and caring support in parenting.

* The child may think that he has the power to unite the parents. And he begins to behave deliberately badly so that the parents come together to solve this problem, or very good, thinking that then the departed parent will return. He may also think that his illness (and sometimes death) can unite mom and dad and subconsciously attracts illness. To avoid this, as I wrote above, it is important to make it very clear that it has nothing to do with it, that the reunion is impossible and repeat this regularly.

Parental behavior

• Ideally, parents should communicate calmly with each other in front of the child.
• Calmly let the child go to the other parent, trust him (after all, this is his child).
• Do not ask the child about how his second parent lives, do not ask to convey anything, do not ask to hide something about you and learn about him - all this is very difficult for the child, because here again you put him before a choice: to be good for you or for the second parent.
• Do not put your son in the place of your husband. Don't say, "Now you are a man in the house!" Because he remains a child, let him be him. In addition, if you want to create a new family, the son will interfere with this in every possible way, because he is the “man in the house”.
• Pay attention to the child. Often parents are so worried about the divorce that they “forget” about the child. It is not easy for adults themselves, this is understandable, but it is imperative to allocate time for the child. You can directly define half an hour - an hour a day, when you “forget” about all your worries and worries and communicate with the child: you read to him, play, you are both in thoughts and actions only with him! These joint minutes will become an excellent basis for the child's further confidence in your love and, as a result, in himself.
• It will be useful for the child if the mother creates a new family. According to research by psychologists, this will have a beneficial effect on his development. But it's important to know that almost all relationships created in the first year after divorce fall apart. Because the person has not yet “come out” of the previous relationship, is not very aware of himself as a separate person, and cannot soberly evaluate the new partner. Working with a psychologist helps to analyze all aspects of the previous marriage, to see your contribution to the development of the couple and to its breakup, as well as forms new types of behavior that will allow, armed with experience, to build new, healthier relationships.

In the modern world, divorce is becoming "common". This does not mean that it has become less painful, but numerous studies of psychologists on this topic and their conclusions can help parents survive this event with the least possible consequences for themselves and their children.

Troubles happen in life and we cannot avoid them, but it is in our power to get out of them "correctly". Don't be afraid to build new relationships. It is important for a child to see happy parents so that he has a positive attitude towards life, family, love, parents and himself!

Be happy, no matter what!