From The TV Series "The Sopranos"

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

From the TV series "The Sopranos". The protagonist, mafioso Tony Soprano, at a session with a psychologist, complains about his mother's condition, her deteriorating health, difficulties in coping with everyday problems, and her refusal to accept help from him and from his family:

- She finally agreed to be helped in the morning. The wife contacted the agency and a nurse was sent to us. But no matter what I do for her, I still feel guilty.

- Why? - the psychologist asks in surprise.

- Because I understand that we cannot settle her with us.

- But it seems to me that it is not entirely realistic if she herself refuses to do it. What about your sisters?

- They broke off relations with her long ago, there is no chance that she would agree to settle with them.

- Why do you take full responsibility for this situation, despite the fact that here it is obvious that your mother has serious problems in communicating with anyone?

“She’s my mother. I have to take care of her. Anyway, - Tony spreads his hands with a smile, - she's just a sweet fragile old woman.

- Not for you! For you, she is omnipotent, you give her literally magical abilities to sow discord and devastation.

- What nonsense, - Tony is indignant.

“There are parents whose upbringing cannot be called ideal,” the psychologist continues.

- Come on, - she's so cute, - he waves it off.

- What warm memories do you remember from your childhood?

Tony thinks for a few minutes, and finally remembering, with a wide smile replies: “In 68-69, we went with the whole family to rest. My father was coming down the stairs, he accidentally slipped and almost crashed down. Mom was laughing so cheerfully, the whole family laughed.

- Do you still have fond memories?

“Hey,” Tony raises his voice. “She's the nicest woman. She prepared food daily. I'm the last bastard in this whole story. I come here to you, I complain about her, I let my wife close the doors of our house for her!

It is not at all a rare situation when an adult child cares and takes care of his parent. This behavior is very commendable, worthy of respect, but what worries me in this whole situation is the inability of a person to perceive himself objectively as he really is. Despite the fact that the hero of the film, Tony Soprano is a mafioso, and of course in his life he commits many deadly sins, at the same time he is an ideal son who, for several episodes, is anxious about his mother. He tries to persuade her to move to him and settle with his family, the hero's wife visits her mother-in-law every day and also tries to buy, cook something, but all her attempts come across venomous smiles and sarcastic remarks from her mother-in-law that they only expect death from her. The worst thing that happens in this situation is that the son is not only unable to objectively accept his mother as a cruel and stingy person, but also blames himself for everything that happens.

Why is it so important to work through childhood trauma during therapy? Because you are not Mowgli, who grew up on a desert island, but a direct “product” of your family's upbringing. This is neither good nor bad, just accept it as a fait accompli. Speaking of resentment and even expression of rage and anger during therapy for your experience will not change your attitude towards your parents, they will in any case remain the closest and most important people to you, but understanding that perhaps some mistakes in your life were a reaction to your attitude and behavior parents to you, will allow you to show yourself a little more sympathy and empathy, and will help (perhaps for the first time) to show more love and understanding for yourself. When this happens, a person for the first time allows himself to lower all his defenses, to remove the mask of cruelty or indifference that he has worn for years, he becomes kinder and softer in relation to his loved ones.

Take care of yourself!