Capricious Adults

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Author: Elena Guskova Source:

I think each of you either heard about such a situation, or came across.

An elderly parent behaves in a certain way that affects his child in a very inhumane manner.

For example, a mother can rudely joke or make fun of her already adult child when guests are visiting.

Or a mother, who is already a grandmother, can pass on completely non-ecological life programs to her grandchildren, such as: “life is a hard thing,” “you will have to work a lot and hard to earn a living,” etc., and her daughter, who is a mother these grandchildren may not agree at all with such statements.

Or a situation when an elderly mother gets sick, a nurse is hired for her, but the mother does not want a stranger to sit with her, and her daughter is forced to leave work to take care of her mother.

Interestingly, in each of the situations described, an adult child of an elderly mother finds himself in a situation in which he suffers. But if you ask a question why he does not want to defend his position, for example, prohibit talking to himself like that or seriously talking with his grandmother about possible topics of conversation with grandchildren, or not paying attention to the mother's whims and leaving the nurse with her, and go to work herself - the person replies that he cannot do this because his mother will be offended, upset, and even more ill (the most common answers are: “her blood pressure will rise,” “her heart will become bad”), etc.

If you define the roles in such situations, it turns out that the child takes responsibility for such a touchy reaction of his mother, as if closing her from adversity and in no case violating her peace of mind.

What happens? The child does not allow himself to show the inner Adult, who will calmly explain to his mother what she is wrong about. He also does not allow his mother to turn to the inner Adult, the very Adult who will responsibly approach the situation and be able to correctly assess it. But to the capricious uncontrollable inner Child of his mother - welcome)) I will groom and cherish you, be capricious as much as you want.

This amazing situation is widespread. Two grown adults: mother and child - practically do not communicate like Adults. Or the child still pulls out his Inner Child in communication with the mother, forcing the mother to pull out his inner Parent (more often angry, controlling than caring). Or the mother manifests her inner, most often very capricious Child, forcing her daughter or son to serve her inner child's state with might and main.

I asked clients how they feel when they are being led by their mother's (or father's) inner Child. The two most popular answers are the mother of a young child and the guardian angel. True, realizing these roles, there is a desire to stop playing these games. Because they are unpleasant and unhealthy.

What relationships with parents (as well as with partners and with children of a certain age) are healthy? When communication is conducted from an Adult-Adult perspective. Parents, even if they are elderly people, have the same responsibilities of activating their inner Adult in all areas of life as their younger children. They are also responsible for their lives, choosing their reactions to circumstances. And if they do not want to do this, taking the position of a capricious Child, then this literally corrupts them. The loved ones around them literally assent to them when they do not want to treat their parents as adults.

In support of the need to communicate from an Adult-Adult perspective, I will say that those who behave like Adults keep both mind and body healthy for a very long time. Those who want to remain a Child, long past childhood, age quickly. Therefore, it makes sense to be an Adult yourself and to see your interlocutor the same, to interact with his Adult.

Then the relationship will sparkle with new colors, where there will be no victims of circumstances, since a real Adult cannot be a victim by definition.