Children And Adults With Avoidant Attachment

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

In a forced overheard conversation in a minibus, a woman shared her impressions of her friend's son by phone (not a quote, but a general meaning):

"And what a child she has! He's perfect, not like ours. Doesn't cry, doesn't throw tantrums, independent, so smart, understands everything, you can agree and explain. She doesn't suffer with him at all. She immediately began to work after giving birth, already after 3 months, and it was not necessary to sit next to him, and now he is already 4, 5."

I sit (forced, still in the minibus), waiting for her to tell her interlocutor about the price for such an independence of the child (at 4, 5 years old!). After 10 minutes, she goes from admiration and envy to sympathy - the child has health problems, severe allergies …

This is what a child looks like when he has developed an emotional bond with a parent in an avoidant manner. He appears to be autonomous, independent, "little adult" and (often) has health problems. When a mother leaves, such a child shows that it does not bother him, he is calm and sometimes even seems indifferent. When the mother returns, the child does not greet her, does not run to her and does not try to climb into her arms, he does not radiate joy, just as he is not upset. His gaze is directed either in the other direction, or turned to the occupation for which he was left. More often than not, this is exactly what parents expect from a child: so that he learns to cope with stress without crying and screaming, preferably on his own.

If during the first year of life a child is faced with the fact that no one comes to calls and shouts, or, even worse, they cause anger and irritation, and his desire to cuddle and climb into his arms is suppressed, then he learns to hide his need for help and support …

In the arsenal of a parent who establishes avoidant attachment, phrases with the help of which support are expressed are the following: "nothing terrible", "nothing happened", "don't cry", "it's your own fault", "don't pretend that you are in pain", "you don't obey - now you will know”,“you will calm down then you will come”and so on.

The child begins to hide feelings and show the behavior that parents expect and approve, becomes ideal, comfortable, calm.

But modern research has shown that these children are deprived of inner peace. Children with an avoidant type of emotional connection experience stress at the time of separation from loved ones. This is evidenced by objective indicators: the pulse quickens, stress hormones are released. Due to the fact that it is impossible to express their emotions, stress finds its expression in the form of psychosomatic reactions, therefore such children often complain of pain, nausea, they have problems with sleep, in the worst case it is manifested by chronic diseases.

The type of emotional connection is formed before the first 5 years of life. After that, it can gain a foothold, and in the future it is reproduced in relationships with other people, friends, partners, and their own children. Parents who establish an avoidant type of emotional connection with their children, as a rule, also inherited a certain style of behavior from their parents, and they, in turn, adopted it from the older generation.

In a relationship with a partner, a person with avoidant attachment appears to be distant, detached. Rarely opens up and talks about himself, his experiences. It may be difficult for him to recognize and share the feelings of another.

Avoidant emotional connection in childhood can be a prerequisite for the emergence of "counterdependence" or "avoidance addiction".

Establishing a secure, healthy bond between an adult and a child requires:

- a constant significant adult in the first year of life (mom, dad, grandmother does not matter), providing care and attention;

- sensitive behavior towards the child (attentive to calls for help, the desire to understand what the child wants to communicate, actions to meet the needs of the child and in the interests of the child);

- the ability to realize the need for knowledge and sensory perception of the world (the presence of incentives for development, approval of research activities, praise);

- maintaining eye and body contact, verbal communication and dialogue (starting with sounds and syllables);

- consolation in a stressful situation (pain, fear, separation, etc. can become stressful for a child, even if it seems insignificant for an adult), always with the help of bodily contact.

For successful psychotherapy, it is important to create a reliable therapeutic relationship. For their establishment, the same recommendations apply as for parents! It is important to be sensitive to the client, approval, empathy, sympathy, etc. In addition, the work must take into account the characteristics of clients with established different types of attachment.

For clients who have established avoidant attachment in childhood, it is characteristic of denying the influence of parent-child relationships on their development and personality in general. They can hardly share specific memories of early childhood and family, often idealize and generalize childhood experiences: "an ordinary normal family", "the relationship was good, like everyone else."

With such clients, it is important to accept their pace of establishing intimacy, to take into account the tendency to distance and control, otherwise there is a risk of withdrawal from therapy.