Fathers And Sons. Separation, What Is It?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Author: Konstantin Karakutsa Source:

Difficulties in the relationship between adult children and their parents are far from uncommon. One of the most common problems in this matter is the topic of the so-called separation. In psychological literature, separation means, in particular, the separation of an adult child from the parental family, his formation as a separate independent and independent personality. In some families, separation is successful, but if the family does not function very well, then the separation of an adult child either does not occur at all, or it passes with such strong tension that relations between relatives can be very much disturbed.

Let's see what an incomplete separation might look like with a specific example. And also let's see what the option of completing this separation could be. Let's also talk about how difficult separation is for parents from whom an adult child is trying to separate. To do this, first we will draw an imaginary portrait of a person who could not separate from his mother.

Alexey, a 35-year-old man. Lives with her mother in a two-room apartment. He was married for 2 years. During the marriage, the couple lived with Alexei's mother in the same apartment. However, in the process of living together, they quarreled a lot and could not find a common language in the issue of independent life. Alexei could not understand what exactly his wife was dissatisfied with when she repeatedly showed him a desire to rent a separate apartment. His argument was: “Well, what are you unhappy with? There is food, - mom is cooking. You don't need to get out. We all pay for the apartment together. Less costs. You and I have a separate room where we can do whatever we want. However, despite such a tempting prospect, the wife's tension grew, quarrels became more and more frequent. As a result, she could not stand it and went to her parents. She lived there for some time, and did not return to Alexei. He, in turn, did not grieve very much. Considering that he got a stupid and capricious woman, he calmed down. Today he meets with different women, but does not want to start a serious relationship. Occasionally he brings his chosen ones home, but does not begin to live with them.

Let's now digress from the content of the life of our imaginary character, and analyze his situation a little. It would seem that everything is in order, and there are no serious difficulties in his life. In general, this is the case, because this example is rather mild. He is very typical for many men, and does not seem to be so "criminal". However, if you delve deeper into the psychological analysis of what is happening, you can see the continuing close connection between Alexei and his mother, and the lack of readiness to sail away from the safe shores of his mother's home into the wide ocean of independent life. This can be seen by reading his arguments to his wife. For Alexei, the realization that a separate life with his wife is not at all the same as life with her in the parental home is absolutely inaccessible. When a person brings a chosen one, or a chosen one, to his parental family, then he automatically loses the opportunity to get to know this person more fully, since the person will be forced to follow the rules established in this family by his parents, and is unlikely to be able to express himself more openly. Generally speaking, the stage of a separate and independent life with a partner is very important for building family relationships. At this stage, partners get to know each other, establish their own rules and methods of interaction. And if they manage to pass this test, then the likelihood that further life together will be successful is much higher than in a situation where the life of a couple begins inside the parental family of one of the partners.

If you look a little into Alexei's future, and assume that he will never be able to separate from his mother, then the likelihood that he will be able to build a full and satisfying family life will be rather small. It is important to understand here that in the case of such a close relationship with the mother, the exit from merging with her can lead to acute emotional outbursts on her part, all sorts of illnesses that unconsciously allow the mother to keep her son near her.

But let's consider the option of a positive outcome of the separation. Let's say that Alexei still managed to understand that he and his mother are in closer relations than with the women around him. What will happen then? Usually, in family psychotherapy, the moment a child leaves the family is considered a crisis. Why? All this is due to the fact that, firstly, the entire structure of the family is changing, and with it all the usual mechanisms of interaction. And, secondly, the parents of the "nestling" that fluttered out of the nest are forced to be left alone with each other. In this situation, the parents also have a rather acute situation, which makes them think about why they are together, how they can continue to be together, and whether they want this? After all, earlier (after the birth of the child) they smoothly switched from the roles of husband and wife in the role of father and mother, which allowed them to get closer due to the upbringing and care of the child. When a child becomes independent and leaves the family, the parents are forced to deal more with their relationship, rather than caring for the child. Then the problems and questions begin, do they still love each other, do they want to be together. Very often, parents intuitively have a premonition that without a child, their marriage will collapse. In this case, the parents, unconsciously, can keep the child within the family, not allowing him to separate. All this can be done, for example, by instilling in the child a sense of failure, helplessness, horror and danger of the outside world.

If we return to the case of Alexei, we can see that in the situation of his leaving the family, his mother is left alone. And then she is faced with many painful experiences inherent in a lonely person. If a person is not fully matured, then the feeling of loneliness can be unbearable for him. As a result, Alexey plays several roles within his parental family. He is both a son and a husband. It is the position of the husband, which he unconsciously takes upon himself in relations with his mother and prevents him from building close relationships with women.

Let's summarize this article briefly. In it, we tried to revive the concept of separation, to show, using the example of the life of a specific person, what a successful and unsuccessful separation might look like. We also touched on the issue of the crisis in the relationship between parents, which occurs at the time of separation of the child. Of course, there is no easy way out of a difficult separation situation. Separation is a big life task for every person. And depending on how he solves it for himself, the quality of his future life, as well as satisfaction with himself and close relationships, largely depends.