2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
With what requests do people most often turn to a psychotherapist for help? Lack of energy to achieve goals and realize your ambitions; an incomprehensible sense of guilt that blocks any movement; frequently ill children; non-folding personal life and the impossibility of procreation … Adult children, desperately looking for all kinds of ways out of the impasse, crisis, financial hole, loneliness, which ultimately boil down to finding the father's support and the mother's permission to live independently.
In the overwhelming majority of cases - an interrupted movement to the mother, an interrupted flow of love. As a result, the father, performing an incomprehensible function in the family, often aimed at supporting the mother, and little energetically present in the child's life.
We are all well aware of the greatest role that Mother plays in the life of a child. She becomes his first Universe, giving him life, providing him with the first abode, nourishing and nurturing him with her own juices, giving him energy and strength to develop, and then releasing him into the world through her own body. It is from the mother that the child, while still in the womb, receives his first impressions of the family into which he will soon come, of the people close to him, of the world around him. It is from the mother that we receive the first knowledge about our father, what he is, how to treat him. The mother, with her emotions, thoughts and actions, sets the program of existence for the future child: whether he is desired, joy or sadness, he delivers to the mother, how to love his future father, grandparents. All of this shapes our subconscious emotional responses and behavior patterns in later life. The greatness of the mother for the child is undeniable. He lives by it and exists, for the mother, access to the consciousness of the child is unlimited, and he remains the same throughout our life.
And what about the Father? What is its role in a child's life? In our society, to our great regret, a stereotype has developed that the presence of a father is not so important for a future person. A biological donor, a source of material well-being, an advisory voice - most of the stories, unfortunately, confirm this attitude towards fathers. Women become stronger, they are able to feed their child, give him education and a good start in life. But children for some reason often get sick, show unwanted behavioral reactions, are incapable of growing up and living independently, unsuccessful, unhappy - the list goes on and on.
The role of the Father in the child's life is much more important and significant than we would like to think. The father is the support, the pivot and foundation on which the child's life is built. The father is initially a breadwinner in the family, he forms the material base of the family, supports the mother emotionally, through the fulfillment of her desires and aspirations, he realizes his own potential. The father forms an interest and movement towards the world, the ability to fully exist in this world, realizing his own boundaries. It is the father who gives the concept of boundaries, while the mother gives herself to the child infinitely, through complete merging with him.
Confidence, accomplishments and achievements are the Father, his strength gives us the opportunity to dream and achieve, fills us with the necessary support and courage, teaches us to overcome pain and take risks, fight and win, casting aside doubts and insecurity. "My father makes me WHOLE. Thanks to him, I know myself completely, because he is different, not like my mother. Thanks to him, I know my mother is not so omnipotent. He limits her greatness. In harmony with my father, I can withstand greatness. my mother. Thanks to my father, she remains human for me. This allows me to accept my mother together with my father "(B. Hellinger)
There are three basic movements for the development of a full-fledged and happy person: a directed movement towards the mother, from mother to father, through the father - into the world.
For a child, father and mother are of equal importance. He loves both of them wholeheartedly. A child can only move freely and confidently in the direction of life when he can calmly turn his back to his parents, knowing that peace, tranquility and harmony reign between them.
What actually happens in most cases? When disagreements arise in the family, the child is forced to choose between the parents. He was originally programmed by nature to support the mother. Aggression against the mother is an absolute taboo by birthright, the mother is the basis of life, her resources, therefore, most often the child supports the mother's side. But his soul is torn to pieces by this choice, he is trying his best to keep the belligerent parties, as if holding them over an abyss. Sometimes he succeeds. With the help of illness, bad behavior, he reconciles his parents for a while, thereby giving vent to emotional passions simmering in the family.
It does not matter at all whether the family retains its integrity, whether it is falling apart, whether the father is alive or not. The child unconsciously always takes the side of the mother. This choice further makes him feel burning guilt towards his father and hatred of his mother. A paradoxical phenomenon, at first glance, but if we recall the analogy with the abyss, then by letting go of one parent, he thereby doomed him to death, and the mother is an eternal reminder of the choice made. If the mother respects the child's father, despite the relationship with him, then the child is able to freely go through life, receiving the energy and strength he needs through the father. If the mother gives permission to communicate with the father, she thereby gives the child access to the resources of his family.
On the other hand, the mother's resentment against her father blocks these channels. As a result, inconsistency in life, apathy, the inability to make their own decisions. The child, rejecting the father in himself, seeks to unite with him with all his soul. He can unconsciously take on his "hard sides", character traits, destinies, etc. The more the mother rejects the father, the more vividly the father's traits appear in the child. As soon as the mother sincerely allows her child to be like her father, gratefully accepting his features, then the child becomes able to make his own choice - to love his father with all his heart or to unite with him through "difficult" manifestations.
If there is no agreement between the parents, and the mother, in various ways, which she has innumerable, blocks the father's access to the child, a huge number of options for the development of the further scenario arise. The father only then has the right to stay in the family if he becomes a "shadow", "a zombie of his terrible wife," hides behind alcoholism, plunges headlong into work. Otherwise, he must leave - to another family, to another territory, or completely out of life. The child remains forever cut off from him emotionally and energetically, each time communicating with his father experiencing burning guilt and fear of his mother.
Out of love for his mother, he renounces the masculine in himself. This is how effeminate men, "mama's sons", henpecked men are obtained. Children take the grudge instead of their mother and carry her through life at the cost of incredible efforts. Sometimes they take on the role of their mother's parent. The price to pay for giving up your own life is extremely expensive. Deep in his soul, a child cannot forgive himself for such a betrayal. He will certainly punish himself in the future with poor health, distorted fate, failure and failure.
There is a way out of these states. And this is the deliberate work of the mother. Permission for the child to have his own life, to communicate with his father. Full acceptance and respect of the father, as one of the main components in a child's life. Allowing the child from the mother to connect with the father at all possible levels, as a source of strength and movement. Permission for a happy life without limits and doubts.
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