2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Fathers and Sons. Excursion into literature
Parent-child relationships are key to building relationships and trusting the world in adulthood.
And if the influence of the mother on the child is well described, then there is much less literature on the topic of the relationship between fathers and children and there are so many stereotypes that it is much more difficult for clients to understand this topic.
On the one hand, the widespread stereotype of public consciousness in the second half of the 20th - early 21st centuries - about the weakness and incompetence of "modern fathers" has already outlived its usefulness, and on the other hand, the question of the degree of the father's participation in the child's life, his involvement remains without a clear answer … Is an unambiguous answer possible?
Societal attitudes toward fatherhood are changing over time, and cultural and economic conditions are changing. And literature becomes the source that can illustrate this.
As an example, I will give two examples - these are excerpts from letters from fathers to their sons: Earl of Chesterfield and actor E. Leonov.
They were written at different times, but how much they tell about the authors themselves, about their attitude towards their sons, towards fatherhood in general. Sometimes they report much more about themselves than they might have intended.
It is these living books-letters that make it possible to feel what these fathers felt, to put oneself in the shoes of the children, to accept or reject the advice given by them, to understand the social laws of different times. In this sense, such reading has a therapeutic effect.
The book "Letters to a Son" was published after the death of the Earl of Chesterfield, who wrote them, and was published not by a widow, but by the mother of an illegitimate son, to whom the letters were addressed, and was highly appreciated by Voltaire. It is read even now lively and gives a complete overview of literature and subjects that children studied in a particular stratum of society. But what can be understood about the attitude of a father to his nine-year-old son, born out of wedlock, who grew up outside his father's home? Here are some quotes:
- How is the perfection that you promise to achieve achieved? First, you must fulfill your duty to God and to people - without this, whatever you do, loses its meaning; secondly, to acquire great knowledge, without which they will treat you with great contempt, even if you are a very decent person; and, finally, to be perfectly educated, without which, with all your decency and learning, you will be a person not only very unpleasant, but simply unbearable.
- Remember these three tasks; resolve to excel in both. This is all that is necessary for you and is useful both during life and after death, and as you improve in this, my love and tenderness for you will grow.
- May my life experience fill the lack of yours and clear the path of your youth from those thorns and thorns that wounded and disfigured me in my youth. Therefore, I do not want to hint with a single word that you are completely and completely dependent on me, that you received every shilling from me, and from no one else, and that it could not have been otherwise, and since there is no female softness in I have no relation to your person, the only thing that can incline me to kindness is your merits.
- Farewell and be sure that I will always love you dearly if you deserve this love, and if not, I will immediately stop loving you.
There are so many demands and expectations that make their fulfillment directly dependent on the father's love and support. If a boy loses his diligence and obedience, he will instantly lose both financial support and attention. How destructive such daily pressure must be, not only during life, but also after it. Rational and balanced, they do not carry any feelings. And although this book has been reprinted for many decades, it is difficult to offer it as an example for a family wishing to improve parent-child relationships. This is rather an example of how not to. It is all the more painful to read the numerous reviews of fathers who choose this model of upbringing as a model. The illusion of omnipotent control in a certain sense helps parents to relieve anxiety, but it also destroys trust and spontaneity in relationships with children.
But the letters of E. Leonov, more chaotic, are of a completely different nature:
That is why I am writing these letters to correct something wrong, and I probably look funny and ridiculous, like some of my characters. But it's me! In fact, my friend, there is nothing simpler than the living anxiety of the father's heart. When I am alone, out of the house, longing, I remember your every word and every question, I want to talk to you endlessly, it seems that life is not enough to talk about everything. But you know, what is most important, I realized this after the death of my mother, our grandmother. Eh, Andryusha, is there a person in your life in front of whom you are not afraid to be small, stupid, unarmed, in all the nakedness of your revelation? This person is your protection
How much this passage says about the family, about the connections within it, how easily the author admits male disarmament, the unwillingness to cope with life's circumstances, and what a call to communication it contains! No far-fetched distance between the father's figure and the child's.
What a difference with the letters of the Earl of Chesterfield!
And here is how A. P. Chekhov: “Children are holy and pure. Even among robbers and crocodiles, they are in the angelic rank. We ourselves can climb into any pit we want, but they must be enveloped in an atmosphere decent to their rank. You cannot make obscenities in their presence with impunity … you cannot make them a plaything of your mood: either kiss gently, or furiously stamp your feet on them …”Yes, constancy in a relationship is a difficult job.
The paternal figure is the second after the maternal one. How many superfluous beliefs, not justified, but socially acceptable, can take away the acceptance of the father from a child, changing the places of love and upbringing. Get closer to your children!
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