2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Why can people lie to you? I can distinguish several reasons for this phenomenon. Lying is often a defensive form, a defensive reaction, out of fear, shame, or guilt. These are three feelings that are, by and large, stopping in contact. And often there are people who lie, knowing that their lies will be declassified, will understand. But they hope that maybe, after all, this will not happen. As a rule, such pathological lies happen in narcissistic people who find it very difficult to accept their own guilt. Even when I work with such people in therapy, at best, after six months we come to some kind of feelings of guilt and shame. Shame that I am what I am - wrong, bad. Therefore, on every item, about every little thing, I will lie to myself, about events in my life, so that God forbid they do not know who I really am. This, by the way, can also be borderline disorder or near borderline disorder. Some kind of characterology, when a person has a split inside, from the category - the right hand does not know what the left is doing. True, he can have two realities: one is his own internal, and the other, which he does. And what he does is one thing. But he thinks that he is better in this reality, etc. These are the different options.
It's clear about fear. When a person is afraid of being rejected, rejected, misunderstood, etc. Well, in general, this is also to the category of shame and guilt. Most of all, as a person, I am depressed when I come across such people personally. When people lie out of self-shame, it is very difficult to communicate and interact with them. Because it is very difficult to touch a person. Here I am, and there is this wall of shame, which creates there different masks, different personalities. And depending on the tone in which I ask the question, I get the answer. But I would like to be sincere, regardless of my tone. I can get angry and somehow ask abusively: "Why did you do this?" But I would like to receive a sincere answer, not a defensive reaction.
But the problem is that when we enter into close relationships, we become more vulnerable, vulnerable to each other. And then these defenses can be layered more and more, like some kind of habitual stereotypical reaction. Maybe the person has not yet received anything painful from you, but he is already defending himself in advance, just in case. Because as a child he was mistreated and when he spoke the truth, he would get punched in the face for it. And when he lied, then, in general, it was punctured. Therefore, a person has learned to behave like this stereotypically: lie - lie - lie and lie again.
If you have a relationship with a person who pathologically lies all the time, then I really sympathize with you. Because it's really very hard. There is a lot of powerlessness. You can fight against these walls of guilt, shame for many years, and never get through to the true personality. As if a person consists entirely of injuries, a wound on a wound. Because he lies right at every step. This often testifies to very authoritarian parents, narcissistic, maybe even psychopathic, but definitely narcissistic, who demanded from the child, demanded, demanded, and did not accept him as he is. And then he had to adjust every time. Put on masks for every situation and dodge. And lie, lie, lie in the hope that, maybe, at least someone like him will love him. Let not the way he is, but at least let the way he invented himself. Such a struggle for love, acceptance, recognition, attention, warmth …
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