2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
To compel or induce…
First, let's talk about "forcing". Any psychologist, most likely, will announce to you on the fly that it is by no means possible to force a child to do something, such "impudence" breaks the core of the personality, its will. A full-fledged person must be a Personality and have his own will for self-affirmation in life, protecting his boundaries and many other useful manifestations. In general, the word "force" itself has a very negative connotation. Here I would prefer the words "induce" and "motivate" the child to any actions. By prohibiting or forcing something, it is more likely to get resistance from the child, so you waste a lot of time and energy, plus the whole situation will have a negative, stressful background.
Perhaps in the flow of our modern life, lack of time or patience, it is often easier for a mother to force a child to do something or forbid him to do something. She will hardly ask at such moments a question whether she makes him or still prompts him. How then to be? Everything is actually solvable. On your part, you just need to give yourself a directive: I want to encourage my child to do something, involve him and gently motivate him. Imagine this goal in all its glory, in pictures: how you would do it, what you say, what emotions you feel, what kind of result you get. Having given yourself such an internal setting, your subconscious mind will already work by itself in the right direction and turn on in certain situations. The main thing is that you change your ATTITUDE to the upbringing process, to the child, to yourself and to the result, without breaking the child himself and without putting pressure on him.
My youngest is now two years old. Already from the age of six months, I tried to encourage him, involve him in this or that action, with the help of a game or simply by verbally interested. Important to enjoy the process of upbringing and communication with the child herself, then the process of finding a solution to induce will not cause you much difficulty!
Prohibit or mark boundaries …
Forbid is also a negative word. I would rather say "set frames", "mark boundaries." The child will feel more relaxed and safer when boundaries are set for him.
For example, if you are a driver and drive behind the wheel, of course it will be calmer and safer for you to drive on a road with markings and signs. Where there are no markings and signs, plus the road is wide, most likely you will be in tension. The same is with the child, when you explain to the child the difference between good and bad, you can or cannot, thereby you set him some framework within which he can make his own choice.
At one time I had a problem: my oldest child was eating too much candy. I had to explain to her that a large amount of sweets badly spoil the teeth, show clear examples, tell what diseases a large amount of sweets causes, what they lead to. I did not hide sweets and forbid the child to eat them. But she put the dish with them in the middle of the table and gave her the opportunity to make her own choice. At first, there was an abuse of sweets, but then, I can say for sure, my child ate no more than one candy a day. I marked her boundaries: giving all the information about the dangers of sweets. She made the choice herself - this is the correct behavior of the parent.
By prohibiting, you thereby push the child to break the rules. The forbidden fruit is always sweet. In any case, he will eat his portion of sweets, only it will be behind your back and you will not know about it, and accordingly, you will not be able to assess the harm caused.
Or take gadgets. Now all children are actively using them, despite the indignation of their parents, and sometimes it is very difficult to drag them away from these devices. But even here it is worth understanding that our children are very different from us and grow up at a completely different time. These are people of a different generation.
Of course, "sticking to gadgets" contradicts our attitudes and views on training and development, the development of professional skills, etc. But now is a different time, different ways and means, it is worth understanding and accepting this. It is worth giving children the opportunity to develop in a way convenient for them!
By the way, we often talk about the development of talent in children. So, in order to develop it, you must first see it. You can designate a framework or boundaries for them, see how they feel within these boundaries, what is happening in their life, so it will not take long to discern talents.
Instead of a total …
Once the mother of my daughter's friend wrote to me and asked me if her daughter was in a certain group in WhatsApp (in the same one that was discussed above). I, without suspecting anything, answered in the affirmative, saying that the group was created by my daughter with the aim of organizing all friends for a joint pastime. Soon, this girl unexpectedly left the group. Accordingly, she stopped receiving information about the plans of her friends and stopped taking part in their common life. And then we learned that her parents only allow her to use the phone for calls and no more, since this gadget is unhealthy. But this girl more than compensated for her need for a phone at school. Instead of playing and chatting with friends, she sat on the phone all the time, making up for lost time.
And we cannot influence such a need. We must always be able to choose only what we can influence. What could we do in this case? We can give the child all the information about the negative impact of gadgets on health, but it is up to them to make the choice.
If you believe in your child and see a Personality in him, it is important for you to bring up in him a bright, lively individuality with a strong will and interest in life, then you must trust him and accept his choice, and not spend all your strength, nerves and attention on that., for example, to track whether a child walks in a hat in winter or not. Anyway, he will find a way to take it off and do it the way he likes, the same goes for the rest.
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