"Parting Is A Little Death!" Stages Of Living Emotional Loss

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

/ At this time, I am working with several requests for the experience of a love breakup, loss. I would like to respond with useful psychological material. /

To begin with, I propose to recall the catch phrase from Alla Pugacheva's song "Three Happy Days", a phrase that has become an epithet for such cases - emotional losses …

How can I overcome this pain? Parting is a little death!

In an allegorical sense (despite the fact that the partners are alive), parting is still a serious, great loss, loss of relationship, deep spiritual grief. Accordingly, the phases of this psychotrauma, as in cases of physical loss of a partner, are the same, the difference (perhaps) in the duration and intensity of the experience of a particular loss.

This is exactly what the well-known specialist on losses, Varvara Sidorova, who is the author and host of a special thematic course at the Institute of Industrial and Social Problems (which I graduated from in due time), asserts.

Here is a quote from Varvara Sidorova's article "The Four Tasks of Grief" …

Psychologists define grief as a reaction to the loss of a significant object, part of an identity, or an anticipated future. It is well known that the reaction to the loss of a significant object is a specific mental process that develops according to its own laws. The essence of this process is universal, unchanging and does not depend on what the subject has lost. Grief always develops in the same way. Only the duration and intensity of his experience differs depending on the significance of the lost object and the personality traits of the grieving person.

In accordance with the above, I will specially note the following: it is important to understand that a mental breakdown of any significant relationship is a serious psychotrauma - great damage, grief; whose pain cannot be "turned off", as well as the patterns of his residence. The experience of loss is a process that has its own stages and laws. Let's take a look at them.

Stage one - denial of what happened, refusal

At this stage, the person does not believe in the finality of what happened - in the loss that happened. What is happening seems to him a bad dream, which is about to end, returning the situation to its former, familiar course.

Denial is essentially a psychological defense that softens the blow. The breakup (separation, separation and divorce) is not perceived by the grieving as an indisputable and fait accompli, but is taken as a mistake that is still not difficult to correct.

What will help at this stage?

It is worth looking at the concrete truth in the eye, calling things by their own true names. It is more correct to see reality as it is, without fancy. This brings a person to the ground, delineates reality.

In psychological work, it is necessary to determine the fact that happened: what happened, what is the result, the results? Slowly accepting the events that have happened. And the shock is gradually replaced by other feelings - anger.

Stage two - aggression, anger

So, the person saw his cruel truth and clearly names it. What happens to him in this case?

He experiences natural anger - against the destroyers and destruction of his life.

He blames the perpetrators of the situation, feeling aggression towards those who are involved in psychological damage. He is angry at fate, at the Almighty. He is also not pleased with himself.

He is overflowing with rage and this is natural: there is no old world, on its fragments (in ruin, collapse), everyone at first feels strong anger.

What will help at this stage?

It is necessary to ecologically experience your emotions, feelings: to give an opportunity for a soulful couple to come out.

It is appropriate here:

- writing psychological letters to the offender (and offenders), - playing aggression in psychodramatic, special sketches,

- the physical living of rage (stamping feet, shouting, punching a punching bag, smashing dishes, tearing things and paper that are permissible for this to shreds - everything that will help the grieving person to live safely and let go of his rage).

Slowly, anger will leave the grieving face and will be replaced by depression (devastation, apathy, emptiness).

Stage three - depression

This stage is considered the longest: from 3 months to a whole year. It is characterized by despondency, passivity, not wanting to go further … Here we symbolically die along with the past …

At this stage, it is important to realize: the past goes to decay, and we are alive! For further revival, one will have to part with the "dead" - the departed, deceased material, ritually "burying" the dead, lost connection.

Here I am reminded of a well-known parable. I will give it to the readers. Sobering "anecdote".

There is an old Indian parable: "The horse is dead - get off." It would seem that everything is clear, but …

- We persuade ourselves that there is still hope.

- We are trying to beat the horse harder.

- We say to ourselves: "We always rode like this."

- We are organizing an event to revive dead horses.

“We explain that our dead horse is much“better, faster and cheaper”.

- We organize comparisons of different dead horses.

- We sit next to the horse and persuade her not to be dead.

“We buy products that help you ride faster on dead horses.

- We are changing the criteria for identifying dead horses (proving that ours is not at all like that).

- We visit other places to see how they ride dead horses.

- We are gathering colleagues to analyze a dead horse.

- We pull off dead horses, in the hope that together they will gallop faster.

But the essence is the same: THE HORSE IS DIED - TEAR!

What will help at this stage?

A meaningful view of things: losses and gains are unchanging parts of human history, life; one must learn to let go, as well as accept a voluminous, integral reality, as the providence of the great God admitted by fate. Life is an endless process of dying and birth, losses and gains, partings and new meetings … And as great wisdom says …

Even after the darkest and misty night, dawn will surely come, and heavy rain will end with a rainbow.

Parting with the past leads us to embrace a new life.

The last, fourth stage is acceptance, new light

At this stage, we learn to love our life again, being open to the future, new life. There has been a transformation - a transition from the old, obsolete to the new - resource, with the expansion of horizons and prospects. The past is no longer ruins, but a platform for the better - more holistic, larger.

Here I am reminded of another parable. I will share the attached video. Svetlana Kopylova - Gemini. Be sure to listen to her)

What will help at this stage?

It is very important, while working through your experience (even the most destructive, difficult one), to make constructive conclusions at the end: what did this material teach us, why was it allowed by God?

It is also useful to answer yourself the following question: what good would not have happened in our life if it were not for a difficult parting?

I remember another big quote from the famous film "Moscow Does Not Believe in Tears" … Do you remember what the heroine said to her offender, many years later?

I think if I had not been burned so badly then, nothing would have come of me. It's good that you didn't marry me, because then I would have missed my only and very beloved person in my life.

So, at the turn of a new life, we let go of the past without regret and take a confident step forward. The former school is behind us, all the lessons have been learned, the teachers have been released, forgiven.

Ahead awaits us - a wonderful graduation ball and a triumphant admission to a further institute of life. And can there be something more inspired than this ?!