Parting Is A Little Death

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Parting is a little death

We all have the experience of separation and loss, we were all once born, separated (lost) from our mother, learned to live on on our own. Then they learned to believe that my mother would return and the loneliness would end.

We all once parted with friends, with first love, with grandparents leaving forever. Parting is okay. And everyone has this experience.

But when a loved one leaves, we again fall into our fears. After all, we were abandoned, abandoned. It is not clear how to live further, what to do, where to run, where to look for support, how to return the "object" to the usual life. Confusion, pain, chaos, anger, aggression. Many different experiences.

I am often asked "how to get over a breakup" …

Our mental system has its own laws of functioning. As the saying goes, ignorance does not exempt them from their actions.

Therefore, new relationships are not built on heartache. Entertainment is not entertaining. Alcohol brings oblivion for a while.. But then the pain returns..

Parting is a little death, sung in one song. And indeed it is. In the inner world there is no difference whether a person died physically or left our life on foot. All stages of grief are exactly the same. And it takes time to get over the breakup and return to life. It is necessary to endure the grief of loss and separation. And experience, grief, as I wrote above, has its own laws and stages, and they still have to go through, because - the law is the law, even if it is of the inner world.

I'll tell you a little about the stages.

So. You receive the news that your partner is no longer your husband / wife / lover

1. The stage of denial. Can not be. How to live on? This event is shaking to the depths of the soul, the pain can be so strong that emotions seem to freeze, the person is in a certain altered state of consciousness. It hurts so much that it’s better not to feel anything.

For example, a woman convinces me (herself) that her husband loves her, that nothing terrible has happened and he will soon change his mind and return. (the husband had four years before the real departure from his wife, another family appeared and the reason for the separation was the birth of his second child there. The wife “did not know anything”, although all 4 years there was no intimacy between the spouses. “he works a lot, gets tired, impotence and so on. I found out about this later)

2. Stage of aggression. The one who left is considered an aggressor, a traitor, who took and violated his usual life, betrayed his feelings, chose another partner. This anger and aggression can be as obvious, in the example above, a woman broke the windows of her husband's car, calculated his new address, entered the apartment and there, too, broke everything that could be beaten.

And also, aggression can go inside, then it is ailments, high or low blood pressure, headache, temperature, gastritis, asthma, and many different manifestations of such an experience of aggression.

3. The stage of bargaining. The abandoned partner begins to persuade himself that he is ready for this and that, if only he (she) returned. I am ready to forgive treason, indifference, deception. Violence, rudeness. The fear of living on without a partner is so great that a person is ready for anything.

In my example, a woman demanded meetings with her husband, persuaded him to live in two families, blackmailed him with suicide, and did not allow him to meet with her daughter.

4. Stage of depression. And when it comes to the understanding that parting is inevitable, that nothing will be returned, that those meanings that were there are no more … A period of timelessness, silence, depression begins. The person accepts this fact. And it just exists. Heals wounds. Retires. That woman, only six months later, was able to come to terms, agree and accept the changed reality

The husband will never return, we must live without him. How? It is not clear yet. New meanings have not yet been created. There is no other life yet. While there is a state of “just living”.

5. Stage of acceptance. Slowly, little by little, the person begins to "recover", looking around. Comes out of sadness and melancholy. He starts to take an interest in life, other people again. Internal forces appear to understand what happened, see the reasons, some of your mistakes, accept your part of the responsibility for parting and move on. Create new meanings, new relationships.

These are the long-known laws of the experience of loss.

How long is each period?

Everyone is different.

But you will have to go through ALL these stages..

Without having lived, for example, the stage of aggression, you can hang on to it, and live in hatred and accusations towards the whole world … So it is with other stages …

For what, we need parting. Perhaps these lessons bring us closer to understanding ourselves, and the only necessary and important relationship. Which will be built in a completely different way …